


A Bullet's Echo

by Jean_The_Bean_Queen



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Accidental Drug Use, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Child Abuse, Deaf Character, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, F/M, Forced Prostitution, Foster Care, I only make myself cry, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, My poor babies, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Probably other people too, Prostitution, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Shitty Relationships, Slurs, So soft and sad, Soft Hercules, Underage Drinking, Wakes & Funerals, cause i cant slow down, god help and forgive me, i do not condone any of this, irregular updates like woah, ooh boi, probably fast paced, this isnt a happy time, who've been dead for hundreds of years
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-10-16 06:55:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 22
Words: 50,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10565982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jean_The_Bean_Queen/pseuds/Jean_The_Bean_Queen
Summary: New York was Alexander's home away from home, and that's being ripped away from him too. He's out of places to go, but he'd gladly live on the streets if that meant staying in NYC. But what he wants doesn't really matter, so he's shipped off to Virginia to live with a new family: The Reynolds, a wealthy, upper-class husband and wife. Maybe, just maybe, things are looking up for Alexander.***Just another Foster Care AU





	1. New Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMERS: This isn't going to be happy. At all. Unless if I have a sudden change of heart, but angst seems to be one of the only things I enjoy anymore. I've put everything I can think of that could be triggering in the tags, but please don't hesitate to let me know if there's anything that I didn't add that should be added. Your mental well being comes before a shitty fan-fiction, so please don't read this if you even have the smallest shadow of a doubt. Next, I often don't know what I'm talking about. I've been fortunate enough to never have to personally deal with foster-care, any mental disorders or abuse of any kind. So if anything's inaccurate, please tell me! I love being taught new information and I'll try to incorporate it into my writing as much as I can. Also, I don't condone any of the abuse or shitty things that happen. Don't do any of this and don't think that it's okay if anyone ever does anything of the sort to you. Lastly, I love criticism. Criticize me I love it. Constructive criticism is preferred, but I don't really mind either way. Anyways, onwards we go!

“What did you do this time, Alexander?”

Bruised muscles screamed in protest as their owner turned to face the man behind him. Cold eyes met lazy ones as the two boys stared the other down. Finally, a hoarse voice sounded from the man in question. “Nothing, Aaron, so lay off.” Venom dripped from Alexander's lips, he was unwilling to attempt kindness though he was far too exhausted to sound even remotely threatening.

With a sharp roll of the eyes, Aaron left Alexander with the promise of a visit at his new placement. Oh yeah, he was getting kicked out. Best not to make Mr. Knox wait. The ratty teen flung his bag across his shoulder and ran down the narrow staircase of his foster home (old foster home), and jogged to his social worker’s sleek van.

“Mr. Hamilton,” Mr. Knox greeted, with a hard stare. He paused momentarily to sigh. “Get in the car and we’ll talk about your new placement on our way there” with a swift nod, Alexander crawled into the passenger's seat, his hands trembling as he buckled himself in.

You would think that after being placed into a new home the thirteenth time in the past year alone you wouldn't be nervous, but that wasn't the case. Alexander shook in his seat, glancing from the window to his lap and back as his body wracked with nerves.

“Mr. Hamilton,” droned Mr. Knox as he pulled out of the drive way, merging onto the road. “We’re running out of places to put you, and quite frankly, I'm disappointed in you.” Alexander rolled his eyes. It wasn't even his fault this time! Eacker swung first, Alexander was just protecting his foster brother. “That be said, we can't just leave you on the streets. So you have a new placement in Virginia, and will be part of their system.”

Alexander choked on his spit. “Virginia? Why Virginia?”

“I have a friend who knows someone willing to take you in, his wife is your new social worker. Your file’s in the glove compartment if you want to see who you'll be staying with.” Shaky hands opened the compartment under the dash and pulled out a file. Alexander flipped through his old families until he reached an unfamiliar name.

“The Reynolds Family,” He read out loud. “What's so good about 'em?”

“They have high social status, live in a good neighborhood and are qualified to home-school if necessary.”

“Downsides?”

“There aren't any. You truly lucked out this time, Alexander.”

Alexander hummed thoughtfully, and went back to staring out the window. Wonderful, a socially well off family taking in a charity case. At least they didn't have any other children, he’d probably get into less fights that way. Though, he wondered what made them think that their first foster kid should be a scrappy teenager? Ah well, count your blessings. At least he’ll be fed.

To put it simply, Alexander was a mess. An unwanted, greasy, scrawny mess. Born a bastard, at age twelve made an orphan, and at age thirteen tossed into the mess that is the American foster system he held onto very little hope and even less patience.

Alexander fidgeted and squirmed the entire eight hours to Virginia, with few reprimaindments from Mr. Knox. When arriving he stared up at the large house before him. It had pillars holding a roof over the front entrance. What kind of house has pillars? “Well, come along now, they’re waiting inside.” Alex nodded and stepped out of the car, legs wobbly from sitting for so long.

Trailing behind Knox, Alexander took in the front yard. It had beautiful pines and spruces, lightly dusted by the passing flurries of snow. Before he knew it, the front door was answered.

“Martha! How lovely to see you.” The small woman nodded, a cheerful smile stretching across her rosy face.

“Yes, quite. Henry, is this Alexander?” Knox nodded. “Wonderful! I’m Martha Washington sweetie, your new Social worker. Come inside, James and Maria were just visiting.” Alexander followed suit as Knox stepped inside, wiping his shoes on the dark mat, then toeing them off. Martha led them happily through the large house, chatting happily with Mr. Knox as they made their way to the drawing room.

Soft laughter ceased as Alexander stepped into the room. He swallowed wearily, uncomfortable under the eyes watching him. “H-Hello, I’m Hamilton. W-Well, uh, A-Alexander. Alexander Hamilton” he stuttered through his introduction, mentally cursing himself. A man with a wide brimmed hat stood, flashing a dazzling smile.

“No need to be nervous, Alex. I’m James Reynolds and I’ll be housing you along with my wife Maria. Pleasure to meet you.” Alexander noticed the sweet southern lilt to his voice and immediately found it calming. He reached out for the extended hand to shake it, the warmth from the large hand melting away the cold from his smaller, more delicate hand. “Come on and sit down with us, we have much to discuss.”

Mr. Knox and situated Alexander with Martha, and had left soon after. After some more discussion, Alexander discovered that the Reynolds were very close to the Washington family and that the Washingtons also had an adopted child, but he was out for the night. Mr. Washington used to be the senator of Virginia, an impressive feat in Alex’s mind, but now he works at a law firm. Mr. Reynolds had worked there previously, but now works at the local High School teaching pre-law.  
Alexander, to say the least, was excited. He hadn’t had a family so outwardly kind to him, and actually cared to hear his opinion. It was liberating and left him with a satisfyingly numb mouth. He always had so many thoughts swirling and filling his head, and it was a rarity to be able to share them through speech. Though lurking in the back of his mind was the biting thought that it was all an act. It wasn’t like that hadn’t happened before. Even with his apprehensions, he followed the couple to the car, thanking Mr. Reynolds as he held open the door to the back seat.

The car ride was quiet, though not awkward nor suffocating. Alexander thanked any deity that may be responsible for this foreign experience, and relaxed slowly into his seat. He stared at the scenery passing by for the short, two minute drive, humming happily when they arrived at a house with a distinct lack of pillars. Wonderful. It was a much cozier looking property with a beautifully cared for (though dying due to the cold) garden.

“Didn’t you grab your stuff before Mr. Knox left, hon?” Alex looked at Maria then gestured to his messenger bag.

“Yeah, I did. This is, uh… This is it.” The pity in the woman's eyes made him cringe. He didn't need pity, all it did was make his stomach crawl with guilt. As if he was the one to make her eyes look to sad.

“Well, we can go shopping tomorrow. How’s that sound ‘lex?” Alexander shuddered at the nickname Mr. Reynolds had given him, though he said nothing. He just launched into protest at the prospect of someone else buying things for him.

“Lexi, it’s fine. We’re more than happy to spend money on you, son” Alexander shuddered again at the nickname, but lost it at being called son.  
“Don’t call me son!” He snapped, whirling around to face the man with an animalistic ferocity. Only after the fact he realized his mistake, slamming his teeth shut as if that would retract the words that flit from his mouth. Mr. Reynolds almost had a foot on Alexander’s height and was far more fit compared to his frail, starved frame. He took a timid step back, muscles tensing, ready to bolt. With one glance up at the hulking figure before him, he sprinted off, primal fear clouding his mind. Or, well, he tried to as it’s rather challenging to run with a pair of arms wrapped around your waist.

“Alexander, calm down! You’re okay. You’re safe.” He couldn’t bring his heightened senses down. He was in a full blown panic, air rushing in and out of his lungs rapidly, ready to bite and claw his way out of the hold.

“James, let him go!" Maria cried out, fearing James holding him would only make things worse. James loosened his grip and Alexander stumbled away. He felt his panic leave him in a sudden rush, his blood pressure dropping as he collapsed like a rag doll. Luckily, James was still close enough to catch him before he hit the ground.

“Hey, ‘ria…” James began softly, gently pulling Alexander up. “Let’s get him inside.” Maria nodded, following her husband inside. James carried the boy to the couch putting him down quick, scared the boy was going to wake up and be thrown into another fit of panic. Maria wrapped a blanket tight around the boy's small frame, easing his head into her lap. She sat with the boy for a few minutes, deciding that he was most likely out for the night.

“He can sleep on the couch tonight, I don't want to risk waking him up by moving him.” James spoke in a soft whisper, watching his wife slip a pillow beneath Alexander’s head in place of her lap. She nodded solemnly, looking at the boy in pity.

“I have work down town tonight. I’ll be back tomorrow morning, so look after him, please.” James could only nod, sitting down on the chair across from the couch as she left, watching over the sleeping boy.


	2. Bonding and Shopping

_ “Maman! Maman! Rêvez-vous, Maman!” Alexander felt a scream of desperation rip from his throat. His mother’s pale, oily and sweat-drenched skin was cold beneath his small hands. “James! Aider Maman!  _ **_James!_ ** _ ” He wailed and sobbed, screaming at his brother to help. But all his brother could do was stand helplessly to the side, silent tears streaming down his face as his baby brother begged for their mother to still be alive. _

 

Alexander bolted up right, nearly falling off the couch. His heart was pounding in his chest, ears ringing. Where was he? Oh god, has he been kidnapped? Before he knew it someone was by his side. He nearly hit the large man, but had stopped himself just before contact. “Oh god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know it was you, I got so scared,” Alexander felt excuses pour from his lips, letting his hand fall back to his side. He was surprised at how well the other took his panic.

“It’s all good kiddo,” His voice was soft, filled with concern. “ I shouldn't of scared you like that. I’m sorry.” Alexander was shocked at the apology, but before he could insist it wasn’t necessary James had left for the kitchen with the promise of food.

Alexander sat on the couch in stunned silence, slowly taking in his surroundings. He was in a well lived in family room, large windows letting sunlight filter in. Judging by how high the sun was in the sky, it was probably mid-afternoon by now. He let his eyes settle on the coffee table before him.  Novels, magazines and coasters littered it’s surface. He stared at the table for a few more seconds before he gently picked up one of the novels and sunk back into the plush cushions. “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency” He read out loud to himself.  He let his eyes flit over  the backing of the book and hummed in interest. By the time he was half way through the first chapter, James was back with a bowl of soup and a grilled cheese. When he saw what Alexander was reading he let out a huff of laughter.

“That one’s real good. I heard they made a show out of it. Ever read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?” Alexander shook his head as James shoved the books on the coffee table to the side to make room for the tray of food. “If you like the one you’re reading now, I’ll let you borrow it. Now have some food kid, you look starved. After, maybe we could talk? I have a few questions.” Alexander swallowed nervously and nodded. Are they getting rid of him already? Or is he going to try to pry into his past? God, he was near hyperventilating now. “Alex. Alexander! Look at me, buddy.” Alexander looked into his eyes as he tried to gasp for air. “Breath for me, kid. Can you follow me? Just breath with me, bud” He took over exaggerated breaths, telling Alexander when to inhale, and when to exhale. It took about ten minutes of this before Alexander actually was able to get his breathing under control, but James was sweet and supportive through it all.

“H-How’d you know to do that?’ Alexander’s voice was still shaky, his eyes glazed over with unshed tears as he looked at the man kneeling in front of him in wonder.

“Maria gets like that sometimes. Can I ask what I said that made you go into a panic?” The older man’s voice was soft, seemingly aware of Alexander’s sensitive ears. Alexander shied away in embarrassment, and spoke no louder than a whisper. 

“I just, I was scared that, well, that you didn’t… Didn’t want me anymore?” James sighed softly, a sad smile on his face. He held open his arms in a silent invitation. Alexander immediately took the offer, wrapping his arms around him as desperate for contact as a starved man for food.

“Alexander, kid, of course we want you. As soon as I heard about you I thought of you as my own. I know this must be weird, but I really think we click.” Alexander let himself smile, sighing contently. 

“Thank you…” he breathes out, pulling away from James. “I’m sorry, the food's cold now” James huffed out a laugh.

“That's why we have a microwave” he said, rising to his feet and carrying the tray back to the kitchen, leaving Alexander alone yet again. 

  
  


Later, when the two had finished their meal (or, well, James did, Alex tried to), Maria had made her way home. She looked exhausted, tired eyes staring at the floor. She let out a mumbled greeting to the two and forced a smile before shuffling to, what Alexander assumed to be, the master bedroom. Alexander spoke softly with concern. “Is she okay?” James nodded.

“She works night shift at a factory, it's exhausting for her. I tried to convince her that we have enough money that she doesn't need to work, but she won't hear of it.” Alexander nodded in understanding, ignoring the guilt coiled inside his gut. He's been nothing but a burden to both of them, he doesn't even have a job so that he can help them, what a fucking dick. Before he could get much deeper into his thoughts, James started up again. “Well, I was thinking that we could let her sleep and go to the mall to get you some new things?” Alexander nodded, but had insisted that they not spend much money on him. James made no such promises.

 

Alexander had never been to a shopping mall before. When he saw the size and amount of people he knew why. James leads him through the crowd with ease, hand firmly on Alexander’s shoulder. “Do you know what size you are?” Alex guesses he’s a medium, but as he tries on clothing, he finds that extra smalls are what fit his boney figure. With James’ (limited) fashion sense, he was able to find clothing that didn't hang too loosely on him and was able to make him look casually put together. Two hours later, when a new wardrobe and school supplies were bought, the two men sat chewing on freshly baked pretzels as James talked about his students.

“What grade do you teach?” Alexander asked, after hearing about one “John Laurens” that James seemed to find hilarious yet frustratingly rebellious.

“It's a course for seniors,” Alexander deflated, finding that the more he heard, the more interesting the course sounded, but he was only in grade ten. James continued “but, if you're interested, and have the credits you need, I could fit you in for next semester, considering that it's almost December now, and you'll want to take it from the beginning.” Alexander was shocked.

“You can do that?” James nodded, smile playing at his lips.

“The principal is pretty easy to convince, but Mr. Adams is hardly there anyways so it wouldn't matter if he disagreed” Alexander huffed out a laugh as James stuffed the rest of the pretzel in his mouth and tried to talk through the chewy dough. After swallowing, James tried again. “Are you interested, though?” Alexander nodded quickly in excitement, to which James smiled, picking up most of the bags. “Good, I was hoping you'd like to be in my class. Now grab those last two bags and we can head home.” Alexander complied, and trailed after James happily. Things are looking up for him. He has hope. Happiness has found him at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've taken French for nine years now and the only thing I know how to do is order a pizza. So if there's any mistakes, feel free to correct me.  
> Maman - Mama/Mom  
> Rêvez-vous - Wake up  
> Aider - Help


	3. Our Favorite Fighting French Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My French is still crap but I don't trust Google translate. The translations will be at the bottom, don't hesitate to tell me if something's wrong. Enjoy!

“Do you want to meet Washington’s son?” Alexander had stopped reading his book to look at James wearily. “He was looking forward to meeting you when you came but he had plans with friends. Maria and I were going to go for a visit anyways and we thought you could make a friend before starting school tomorrow.” Alexander felt as if he just swallowed a medicine ball.

He decided he could manage not fucking up and besides, it  _ would _ be good to at least know someone going into school tomorrow. Alexander agreed to go, feeling confident for the first time in a while. James smiled and told Alexander to take a shower and get dressed out of his ratty clothes and that they'll go afterwards. He flinched at the comment towards his clothes, but went along without a fuss. His mother had worked hard to get him this sweater, torn or not it’s all he has left of her besides a crumpled photograph. 

Stepping into the shower, he adjusted the temperature to scalding hot and quickly washed away the grease and dander from his hair and body. He washed his face outside of the shower not wanting to be brought back to… nevermind. When every inch of his skin was rubbed until pink he was satisfied. He tugged on one of the new button-ups and and a nice pair of jeans, adjusting his hair until he was happy with how the loose waves fell over his shoulders.

When his hair was dry he left the bathroom and saw that Maria and James ready to go. James stared at Alexander with a smile, clapping his hands together. “I knew you’d look amazing in those.” Alexander stared at his feet, a blush creeping onto his face at the attention, missing the look shared between his foster parents. “C'mon kid, we need to go.” James pulled Maria out with him, leading her to the car as he murmured in her ear. Alexander followed a little ways behind, curious about their conversation but not wanting to be rude. He clambered into the back seat giving James a thankful smile as his door was held open for him. He sat quietly in the back, itching to strike up a conversation, but the harsh whispers from the front seat made him cautious. Instead he thought about the compliment he received. It wasn’t sitting well, making him nauseous. He brushed it off after a few minutes, he had never been good with taking complements about anything but his intellect. What? He was a smart kid, straight A’s for as long as he could remember.

 

The first thing to be seen when pulling up to the Washington property was a tall boy with a bright shirt and floral tights running to greet them. Alexander was scared that he’d trip. When the car was parked, his door flung open and rapid fire French was excitedly pouring from the man's lips.

“J'ai h â te quand j'ai entendu vous avez été à venir! Maman dit que vous êtes à l'aise en français! Je n'ai pas rencontré quelqu'un d'autre qui a été depuis que je suis venu en Amérique. Oh mon Dieu, vous êtes très beau! Je sais que vous allez l'adorer ici, alors venez, entrez!” His speech was like rapid fire and Alexander was shocked. Usually he could keep up, but this kid completely threw him off his game, he had been expecting a snob that would treat him like a nuisance. Like  _ Burr.  _ Fuck Burr, he’s not going to ruin Alexander’s night.   
  


“Plusieur lentement s’il vous plaît!” Alexander cried out, frightened and overwhelmed. The tall man slowed his speech, yet his excitement didn't waver.

“Tu  _ dois  _ parler français! Bravo!” He leaned over and unbuckled Alexander's seat belt to pull him out of the car. “Je suis trop excité pour faire votre connaissance” he continued, as Alexander stumbled into his chest. “Je m'appelle Lafayette! Ton nom sont Alexandre, oui?” He finished after grabbing Alex tightly by the shoulders and placing a large kiss on each of his cheeks. Alexander could hear the amused laughter of the Washingtons and his foster parents.

“A-Ah, oui… Une pleasure a faire votre connaissance” he said in a daze, barely processing Lafayette's wild grin, tripping over his feet as he was ushered inside.

“Oh Maman! He is simply wonderful!” Lafayette had gushed to Martha. His cheeks turned pink as he was scolded for overwhelming Alexander. The French man quickly offered his apologies to him.

“It's perfectly fine, there's no need to apologize. I'm just a tad slow today is all” Lafayette grinned at the confirmation that he was in the clear, then tossed his head over his shoulder to look smugly at Martha.

“Gilbert, won't you show Alexander around? I'm sure you won't want to stick with us boring adults.” Mr. Washington had ordered. Well, it was posed as a  suggestion, but it was a command if Alexander had ever heard one.

“You are right! You are boring.” Lafayette teased. Alexander looked at him in horror. Is he insane? George could snap him in two! “Venir avec moi, Alexandre. I will show you around.” When they were alone, Alex voiced his concern.

 

“Why would you say that? He's twice your size and his hand’s as big as your face! Mon Dieu, he could easily snap your neck, you have to be more careful! Doesn’t it hurt when he hits you?” Alexander’s eyes were wide in fear for his new acquaintance.

“Hit me!?” Lafayette asked, voice cracking at the sheer idea of such a thing. “He would never!” They both had stopped now, standing in the corridor. Lafayette softened his voice when he saw the fear on Alexander's face. “ What made you think he would?”

“You talked back… you insulted him! Don't you get hit for doing that?” Lafayette could feel his heart twist painfully at how concerned the small boy in front of him was for his safety. He led him to the nearby drawing room and sat him on the couch, holding Alexander's hands in his as he crouched in front of him.

“The Washington's would never lay a hand on anyone. You are safe here. Have you been hit for talking back?” Alexander was embarrassed now, Lafayette must think he’s a freak. How could he think so lowly of these people? He hadn’t realized he had zoned out until Lafayette had begun talking again. “It is okay, Mon ami. That won't happen here. The Reynolds are the nicest people I have ever met. Well, besides George and Martha, but they are like, how you say,  Gods among men, oui? You are my friend now, you can talk to me if you need. No one will hurt you here, you are safe with us.”

Alexander felt tears well in his eyes at the raw emotion on Lafayette’s face. “You don't even know me!” Alexander choked on his words, unable to wrap his head around how quickly he was being accepted here. Lafayette encases him in his arms, bringing him close to his chest.

“I do not need to, mon ami. I do not need to.”   
  


The rest of the night was spent in good spirits, no more personal information shared. that wasn’t a problem, both boys deciding that relaxing was a better option. When it was time to go Alexander was disappointed, but the sooner tomorrow came the better. He was excited to start learning again.

  
  


When they returned home Alexander got ready for bed, tugging his old sweater over his small frame and his boxers, huddling into it’s reassuring warmth. He scouted his new room  for his book, realizing as he checked his nightstand that he had left it in the living room. Quietly he tiptoed from his room to the living room, not wanting to wake his foster parents. His heart was pounding in his chest, he had never been a huge fan of the quiet, and the house was quieter than the dead. He saw the book on the coffee table and smiled, incredibly happy that James had let him read his personal books. Mr. Eaker would have near killed him if he had so much as touched any of his books. He held the book close to his chest and smiled, silently turning back to his room only to be met with a solid chest.

He dropped his book and nearly screamed, but a hand had covered his mouth before he could. “Shh darlin’, it’s just me. You’re fine kiddo,” James spoke softly, but his voice was filled with worry. Alexander relaxed immediately, sinking to his knees to pick up the book. From the ground he looked up at James and spoke just as softly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were still up,” Alexander stood back up, book safely in his arms.

“Don’t worry about it Lexi. I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” Alexander shifted on his feet, uncomfortable with the close proximity. But like Lafayette said, he’s safe with the Reynolds. No need to panic. He let James push a strand of hair behind his ear, willing himself to relax. “Don’t stay up too late, you have a big day tomorrow. Good night ‘Lex.” Alexander smiled.

“Good night, James,” With one last soft smile from James, he headed back to his room, closing the door behind him. His intention was to read for an hour or so, but as he crawled under the covers he discovered he couldn’t keep himself awake any longer and quickly drifting off to sleep

  
  


***

  
  


As he lay awake, Lafayette thought of Alexander. They'd love him, and John would absolutely adore him, much more than the rest. He was sure of it. He'd protect Alexander even if they didn't. No matter what happened, he was sure Alexander could never be at fault. With that last thought, he slept.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> J'ai hâte quand j'ai entendu vous avez été à venir! Maman dit que vous êtes à l'aise en français! Je n'ai pas rencontré quelqu'un d'autre qui a été depuis que je suis venu en Amérique. Oh mon Dieu, vous êtes très beau! Je sais que vous allez l'adorer ici, alors venez, entrez! - I was so excited when I heard you were coming! Mama says you're fluent in French! I haven't met anyone else who was since I came to America. Oh my, you're very handsome! I know you're going to love it here, so come in, come in! 
> 
> Plusieur lentement s’il vous plaît! - Slower please!
> 
> Tu dois parler français! Bravo! - You do speak French! Great!
> 
> Je suis trop excité pour faire votre connaissance - I was very excited to meet you
> 
> Je m'appelle Lafayette! Ton nom sont Alexandre, oui? - I'm Lafayette! Your name is Alexander, yes?
> 
> Une pleasure a faire votre connaissance - A pleasure to meet you
> 
> Venir avec moi - Come with me
> 
> Mon Dieu - My God


	4. The Place To Be

_ Water. Cold, cold water. It filled his lungs, biting at his skin. His hair floated around him, swaying gently. He saw the yellow sky from below the water's surface and felt his heartbeat slow, calming him. The eye of the hurricane. Peace. _

 

 

Alexander woke at five in the morning, ready to face the day. He chose a loose tank-top and jeans, throwing on a cardigan that reached his knees. He pulled his hair into a messy bun, smiling at the blurry figure in the mirror. Crap, he needed new glasses, his last pair were destroyed at his last placement. He walked over to his bag and knelt in front of it. He realized he should unpack sometime soon, but he didn’t feel like it at the moment. He dug through the satchel, finding the wiry frames. He pulled them out, reapplying the tape on the bridge and left arm. There was only one crack along the far side of the right lense but it was still pretty beat up. He decided that being able to see was more important than his looks, so he shoved the large, circular lenses onto his face and made his way to the living room.

He tugged his school bag filled with new supplies to the front door, then sat on the couch. He rested his head against the backrest, it was only six and he didn’t have to leave until eight so he decided to read. By the time James had gotten up he had finished the last chapter and was basking in the afterglow.  When James saw Alexander he had let out a laugh. “How long have you been up?” Alexander shrugged, offering a smile.

“About three hours now. School starts at eight, right?” Alexander sat up straight, trying to wake himself up.

“Yup. Don’t worry, I’ll give you a ride.” Alexander smiled, grateful that he wouldn’t get lost on his way to school. He adjusted his glasses, following James to the kitchen. James poured himself a cup of coffee, offering Alexander a mug to pour his own.

Alexander took it gratefully. “Thanks, I run mostly on caffeine,” James chuckled softly, watching Alexander closely. James had suddenly realized the pair of glasses sitting on his face.

“Where’d you get those?” Alexander looked confused, taking a sip of coffee before realizing James was talking about his glasses. 

“Oh, I’ve had these for a few years now… I don’t like wearing them, but it’s better to see than not, I suppose.”

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Alexander was startled, it’s not like he was trying to keep a secret. Was James mad? “Hey, look at me darlin’,” Alexander shuddered slightly, looking up at James. “Don’t worry, I’m not mad. I just thought you might’ve wanted some new ones.” Alexander relaxed when he felt James rub his arm comfortingly, all previous fear leaving his body.

“I, yeah, I’d really like that.” Alexander smiled and James nodded, draining the rest of his coffee.

“We can go after school, alright ‘lexi? I’ll tell you my class number and you can meet me there” Alexander nodded happily and finished his coffee. “Time to go, kiddo” James led him to the front door, both picked up their respective bags and made their way to the car.

 

 

The ride was short, James had dropped off Alexander by the doors then pulled around to the teacher’s parking lot. Alexander was soon met by Lafayette who dragged him over to the old smoking pit. There sat a group of four kids laughing loudly. Or, well, one of them laughed loudly, but the energy from the others was upbeat as well. Lafayette cleared his throat and suddenly Alex had all eyes on him.

“Yo, Laffy Taffy, who’s this?” The freckled one spoke with a teasing arrogance, raising his eyebrows at Alexander after raking his eyes up and down his small form. Alexander felt his heartbeat pick up. God, this kid was beautiful, he couldn’t fuck this up.

“Alexander Hamilton,” he responded smoothly. “A pleasure to meet you.” The kid put out his cigarette and stood up to hold out a hand to Alexander. Alexander took it to shake, but was surprised when the taller male brought his hand to his lips and left a lingering kiss.

“John Laurens. The pleasure’s all mine” he responded with a wink, earning groans from everyone else.

“Hey Laurens, how about saving some for the rest of us?” A strikingly beautiful girl sat with her arms crossed, eyeing Alexander’s red face. Lafayette let out a snort as John put up his hands in defense and sat back down.

“Mes amis, this is Alexandre. Alexandre, these are your new friends, Hercules Mulligan, John Laurens, and Peggy and Angelica Schuyler,” Alexander’s eyes lit up.

“Schuyler?” he asked excitedly, grinning from ear to ear. Peggy rolled her eyes as Hercules let out a chuckle.

“Yes, Schuyler as New Senator Philip Schuyler, amazing, I know” Hercules said in amusement, watching the sisters reactions.

“Your dad’s senator?” Alexander asked, but had launched into his next sentence before he could receive an answer. “Sorry, stupid question. But you two are Eliza’s sisters, right? How is she?” Alexander couldn’t believe his luck. He got to meet Eliza’s sisters! She always spoke so highly of them both.

“How do you know Eliza?” Angelica snapped, rising to her feet. In her heels she stood a good three inches above Alexander. Peggy grabbed her sister’s hand, urging her to calm down.

Alexander took a step back, not noticing the stares from his new friends. “I, I met her. When I was living in New York, we went to the same school? Um, I lost contact with her since I don’t have a phone… Um, I’m sorry?”” Alexander was scared of this young woman, especially from what Eliza told him. She broke a kid’s jaw and got the other  in trouble for it!

Peggy covered her mouth, tugging on Angelica’s arm. “He’s  _ the _ Alex, Angie!” Angelica took a step back, biting her lip.

“He’s  _ the _ Alex? Oh god, I’m so sorry… Peggy, we should go.” Angelica tugged her sister along side her, making her way through the mass of students and into the school. Alexander turned back to the last three, looking at them in confusion. John had his his head turned the other way and Lafayette and Hercules looked at him in sympathy.

“I’m so sorry, man…” Hercules mumbled out, softly grabbing his shoulder. Alexander flinched away and the other was quick to remove his hand. “I gotta get to class and so does John.” John stood up, not meeting anyone’s eye and walked to the front doors. Hercules followed, not before stopping to whisper into Lafayette’s ear.

“Okay, so what’s going on?” Alexander questioned. “All I asked was how my friend was! What did I do wrong..?” Alexander could feel tears begin to well up in his eyes. He never made many friends, but he had never scared people away this quickly. What did he do?  _ What did he do? _

Lafayette sighed and took a seat on one of the sitting stones, beckoning for Alexander to join him. Alexander sat and rubbed his tears away. The last thing he needed was to break down on the first day of school. “We only have a few minutes, and I don’t really want to tell you this now, but you do deserve to know, so I will tell you after school, oui?” Alexander shook his head.

“No, what happened? Laf… J’ai peur… Qu’est-ce que je fais?” Alexander was timid, uncomfortable with not knowing.

“I will tell you after school mon ami. I do not want it to ruin your day.”

“Ruin my day? Just tell me what’s going on, it’s not like Eliza’s dead or something!” Alexander couldn’t stop his voice from rising, but luckily no one looked his way.

Lafayette’s eyes widened, sadness and sympathy filling them. His voice cracked “I am so sorry Alexandre… I am so sorry.” Alexander’s breath caught. Are they fucking with him? He let out a harsh laugh. 

“Nice one Laf. But really, what’s going on?” He didn’t like how Lafayette was looking at him, it made him uncomfortable. He really was a good actor, but sadness really didn’t suit him. Lafayette’s next words came out softly.

“Je suis desolé, Alexandre… Let us, let us go get you your time table.” It dawned on Alexander he wasn’t joking. No one was playing a stupid prank on him, this was real.

“Take it back. Tell me this is a joke. Please… Please Laf...” He couldn’t keep his voice steady, he didn’t want to believe it. He looked up at Lafayette, letting the taller wrap his arms around him. He clutched onto his shirt, but he didn’t cry. When did she die? It could’ve been months ago. There’s no use crying over someone who’s been dead for that long. Alexander pulled away, keeping his face calm. “Let’s go get my timetable. We… We can talk later, the bell’s about to ring.” Lafayette agreed, gently leading him to the Student Service's Office. Alexander was fairly numb for the entirety of the process, but he shoved his feelings down. This isn’t the place for that. He could tell Lafayette felt guilty, but he didn’t know how to tell him it wasn’t his fault.

Suddenly he had his time table in his his hands and was walking to his first class. He was about ten minutes late, but he’s a new student so it shouldn’t be a problem. Though that didn’t stop the panic from rising in his chest. He tried to squash it, but it wouldn’t dissipate. He had the same courses he had at his last school, so he shouldn’t be missing out on too much information. Hopefully. He’d still be able to pass regardless. He was excited because after this semester he would have all of his grade ten credits and by next semester he’d only have grade eleven courses, so he might get a few classes with his new friends. If, well, they still want to be his friends. He had just realised Lafayette was talking about the school’s history, his happiness just a slight bit more strained than he was before. They finally arrived to his first class. He said a quick thanks to Lafayette and knocked before walking in.

  
  
  


 

Alexander’s first two classes were uneventful, yet panic inducing nonetheless.   He hadn’t made a single friend in his grade, but that didn’t matter all too much to him. He was lucky to have Lafayette there for him. Extremely lucky indeed. Just as he was turning a corner, he slammed into someone's chest. It was like running into a brick wall, and Alexander fell flat on his ass. “Fuck, Alexander! Sorry, I didn’t see you” John Laurens was crouched in front of him in all of his freckled glory, helping him to his feet. Usually if he could, Alexander was a huge flirt, but this boy left him completely speechless.

“Oh, no, it’s fine, I wasn’t watching where I was going,” Alexander offered a small smile and John had laughed. God, he must be a great singer if his laugh is that beautiful. John laughed again.

“Uh, thanks I guess?” Alex startled when he realized he had spoken out loud. He reverted into a stuttering mess, trying to make excuses. He probably isn’t even gay! Wait, didn’t he kiss his hand earlier though? “Don’t worry kid, you’re pretty cute yourself.” John smirked, happy to have  left the poor kid helpless. It wasn’t of malicious intent, it’s just  that  _ God _ this kid is cute when he stutters. “Here, I’ll show you our squad’s spot for lunch,” he ushered Alexander along, near unable to keep his eyes off of him.

Alexander was surprised when they made their way up to the roof. “Are students even allowed up here?”

“Nope” John replied, popping the ‘p’. “But the staff hardly cares, so we’re fine.” Alexander nodded, smiling when he saw the rest of their group. “Hey, Can I just talk to you quick? Before we meet up with the rest…” Alexander nodded, nervous. “I’m sorry about ditching you this morning… Angelica, Peggy and Herc are too, it’s just hard for us to talk about… and, uh, we figured it would be better if it was just Laf there to tell you, and… oh God, I’m so sorry.”

Alexander didn’t need an apology. He understood, he was just glad to know that he didn’t immediately make everyone hate him. “Can I hug you?” he blurted out, not wanting the other to look so guilty. When he had the okay he wrapped his arms around the other tightly. “It’s okay, I understand,” He muttered into the other’s chest. “I was just worried I scared you all away,” John chuckled, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy, surprised by how much heat the tiny Latino gave off. 

“You could never. You’re too small to be scary,” John retorted, smiling in victory when Alexander tried to pull away.

“I’ll fucking fight, don’t think I won't!” Alexander challenged, as equally irritated as he was amused. John was about to respond, but wolf whistles were heard from their group, so he let go of Alexander and walked with him to the others.

“Ah, John mon ami! I knew he was your type, but that was incredibly quick,’ Lafayette winked at the two of them as the others laughed and Hercules whistled again. 

“Shut it you French fuck,” John mumbled, trying to keep the blush off his face to remain cool in front of Alexander. Lafayette shared a knowing look with hercules, but backed off nonetheless. The six of them chatted happily through the lunch, the missing Schuyler not being mentioned once.

“So, Alex. Can I call you Alex?” Alexander nodded. “You must’ve had some other friends, huh? Any of them as amazing as us?” Peggy questioned, looking innocent though a slight hint of mischief sparkled in her eyes. Alexander laughed and shook his head.

“This is the first group of friends I’ve had.” Alexander smiled, traces of melancholy stuck in his dimples.

“Well then, Alex,” Hercules started, looking at him warmly. “We can provide as a mind blowing first,” Peggy and John snorted loudly at the phrasing, so in good spirits Hercules added in a sarcastic wink, causing everyone to chuckle. “But seriously,” he continued. “We’re here for you. So welcome home.” Alexander liked that. Home.

 

 

The rest of the day went by in a quick blur. Before Alexander knew it, it was the end of last period and he had to go meet James in his class room. It took him about ten minutes to find it, but he made it.

“Oh good, I just finished my lesson plan for tomorrow,” James stated when Alexander walked in, packing up his bag. “Now, let’s get you some new glasses, huh?” Alexander nodded excitedly, he hadn’t had new glasses for a few years. When they had gotten into the car, James rested his hand on Alexander’s knee and chatted idly with him about their respective days as he drove to the nearby optometrist. Alexander enjoyed the friendly physical attention, liking how safe James was able to make him feel. This what he was missing.

 

Getting glasses was a relatively quick affair. Alexander got some chunkier, boxy ones, and a pair similar to his old ones with a thicker frame. The best thing, Alexander had thought, was that he had glasses that actually were his prescription now. They had went home and shared dinner together, Maria not being home. It was fine, until James had left for bed.

Well, it was about a half an hour after  James had went to bed that everything came crashing down. It was lodged at the bottom of his satchel. The last letter he got from Eliza.

 

 

_ Be good at you new placement you goofball. I don’t want you getting shipped off somewhere away from New York, I want to see you again. _

__ Lots of love, _ _

 

_               Eliza _

 

Alexander felt a sob rip from his throat. She wouldn’t see him again. He didn’t stay in New York. Was this his fault? He should have stayed in contact with her. It was his fault, his fault,  _ his fault,  _ **_his own fucking fault._ ** A scream clawed it’s way from his chest, God it  _ hurt _ . He deserves it. Why didn’t he do something?  **_Why didn’t you save her, Alexander?_ **

Alexander didn’t hear the banging on his door over his wailing. James barged in, scooping Alexr into his arms. He held him close despite his squirming, rocking him back and forth until his screams died down into sniffles. Softly, he cupped Alexander’s face. “What happened, sweetheart?” Alexander, despite his tears, quietly giggled at the nickname. He took a shaky breath, trying to speak.

“I-I’m so, I’m so s-sorry. I just, I j-just found out… my friend, she-!” Alexander had let out another broken sob, his whole body shaking violently. James wiped away his tears and kissed his forehead. He didn’t quite understand, but he thought he knew.

  
“It’s okay darlin’... It’s gonna be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was longer than I expected it to be...
> 
> J’ai peur - I'm scared  
> Qu’est-ce que je fais? - What did I do?


	5. A Conversation Between Man and Wife

Maria stumbled inside, peeling off her coat and setting it to the side. That fucker almost broke her nose! But, well, she had the money. When she saw her husband was still awake she slowly made her way over, sitting beside him on the couch. Silently, she handed him the small stack of bills. Two hundred in twenties, just like James had asked. She spoke timidly. “Did he fall asleep?” James nodded, double checking the money in his hand before putting it in his pocket.

“Something happened, he panicked. Something about his friend.” James sighed, sinking into the couch. “God, this kid’s exhausting…”

“Why are you taking care of him then?” James scoffed, glaring at his wife. He stood up, stretching. 

“Because unlike you, he could actually make decent money.” His voice was still soft, completely devoid of warmth.

“He’s only fifteen, James!” Maria shouted, her anger making her over-step. James was shocked at the display of disobedience but didn’t hesitate to hit her as hard as he could. Maria fell to the floor, clutching her bleeding nose. James pulled her up by her hair, making sure she was looking him in the eye.

“I don’t give a shit you filthy fucking whore. He’s young  and he’s far more pretty than you ever were. Now stop yapping like a bitch because he’s  _ tryna fucking sleep! _ ” He shoved her back onto the couch. She didn’t mean to talk back, really. Apparently fifteen years hasn’t taught her much.

“He’s just a kid, you sick fuck! Who the hell does that to a  _ kid!?”  _ She had stood up again, shoving her finger into James’ chest. He grew calm, stony indifference coating is features. He grabbed her wrists in one hand and her chin in the other. 

“That’s it, Maria,” His voice was low, staring at her intently. He dropped her chin and dragged her to the door. She stumbled trying to keep up with his long strides. James opened the door, the wind howling loudly. It had started to snow. He shoved Maria out of the house, her bare elbows collided with the wooden porch. “Don’t come back tomorrow. I swear to God if I see you, I’ll snap your fucking neck!” Jame’s voice had rose to a shout. Maria was glad their neighbors were all asleep, not wanting to have to explain this to them.

“W-Wait, James, please! My-” James slammed the door before she could finish. Maria shut her mouth, staring out at the snow. She slowly stood, wincing when she realized she must’ve twisted her ankle. As fast as she could, she limped off into the night.

 

***

 

Alexander woke to a door slamming. Fearful, he waited in his room for about a half an hour before he slowly made his way to the living room. He found James slowly sipping at a glass of whiskey. “Hey, what happened?” Alexander asked in a soft whisper. “And isn’t it a bit early for a drink? It’s like, three in the morning” James shrugged, patting the cushion beside him.

“I’m sorry, I was hoping we weren’t too loud…Maria and I had a little fight, nothing big, really. I’m just, well, I’m upset she isn’t home anymore. And that lead to accusations that, oh God, I’ve ruined everything…” James hung his head, looking away from Alexander.

Alex was shocked. It made sense, but they both seemed so loving that he never thought they  _ could _ fight. The man in front of him looked so devastated, it made his stomach twist with guilt. Was he tearing them apart?  “I’m so sorry, I didn’t...”

Jame’s cupped Alexander’s face in his hand. “It’s not your fault.” Alexander nodded slowly, not completely convinced. He didn’t deserve these people. He watched James pour whiskey into a separate glass, offering it to Alexander. Alexander took it, but didn’t raise it to his lips. Instead he rubbed his foster father’s back soothingly, feeling nothing but sympathy for the man. He knew what it was like to lash out and only after the damage was done to realize his mistake.

“I’m sure she’ll come back… Just give her a day.” James nodded, straightening his spine. He drunkenly tugged on Alexander’s arm, urging the boy onto his lap. Alexander complied, not wanting to upset the man further, but was visibly uncomfortable. He knew James was doing it out of fatherly instinct like every other soft touch Alexander received since he got here, but this was a little more... Intimate than what he was expecting. It was fine, though. He could get used to this. He could be used to being loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short, but I couldn't really think of anything else to add... Thank you for reading!


	6. Christmas Time is Here

It had been a month since the fight. Maria had come back after a couple of days and the two had seemed to have worked things out, but Alexander felt that things were more tense than before. But it was Christmas break and nothing brought people together like a nice holiday. Maria even had one of the two weeks off. Earlier that month the group had gotten together, had a heart to heart and went to visit Eliza’s grave. As Alexander leaned back, sinking into the couch and closing his eyes, he remembered that day.

 

_The wind was bitter, but it wasn’t snowing. A crisp layer of frost had settled on the grass, crunching beneath his feet as he slowly walked towards the stone. He set down the blue lilies, stepping back. It was odd to see it in writing.Set in stone. She was gone._

_A warm hand grasped one of his own. Another colder one had wrapped it’s thinner fingers around Alexander’s other hand. He didn’t have to look to know it was John and Angelica. Peggy was behind them with Hercules and Lafayette. They all stood in heavy silence, each praying to God, whether or not they believed in him, prayed that she was okay. They each felt a warm presence embrace them despite the bitter cold, but no one said anything. Just stood, mourning their loss, but also celebrating the gift that was Eliza’s life in silence. Without words, they grew infinitely closer together._

 

Alexander smiled. Everyone had been so good to him. He was still mourning, but he was at peace. He was excited to get to know Maria over the week she was home, he had never really seen much of her since he had arrived in November. James was excited, Alex had arrived after Thanksgiving, so this was his first holiday in Virginia. Everyone had told him that there was no need to get them anything, but he would never be able shake his guilt if he didn’t.  Unknown to everyone else, he was able to pick up a few odd jobs, whether it was house cleaning or dog walking, he took it. He had made about five hundred dollars and had every intent to spend it on his friends and foster parents. It was high time he did something to thank them. He had already started his shopping. A simple throw blanket for Mister and Missus Washington, for Hercules, gold leafed knitting needles with “Mulligan” scrawled in beautiful script along the side of each needle, for Lafayette a small framed painting of the Lavender fields near Mont-Ventoux in France, the top that Peggy had been eyeing for the past month for, well, Peggy and “Bad Feminist” by Roxanne Gay for Angelica, knowing she’d love every point made. For Maria, he was at a loss until he found the most beautiful blood red lipstick. He didn’t know too much about makeup, but it applied smoothly, Maria was running low and the shade would contrast against her skin beautifully. But now he was at a loss for what to get James and John. He had asked both of them, but both had told him many times that they didn’t want anything from him. He still had two hundred and thirty left though, and he was adamant on using it. He’ll find something for them eventually.

 

The Washingtons had invited them over for Christmas day, and Alexander was excited. This would be the first Christmas he had surrounded by friends and family. When his mother was alive she often had to work on Christmas, but if she could afford it she’d get him a small bag of candy, smiling as he ate. The Schuyler's were coming too, along with Hercules and John. He opened his eyes when he heard his friends approaching. They had demanded that he stay in the small lounge until they had bought him something. He complied easily enough, enjoying the break from walking. He stood to meet them, stretching. Lafayette chuckled. “Have a nice nap, petit lion?” Alexander nodded, rolling his eyes at the nickname. He had earned the title by chewing out a kid for their homophobic behavior. He got punched for it, but it was well worth it considering that everyone in their group was queer. John was gay, Peggy was both Aromantic and asexual, Angelica was asexual, though she was heteromantic, Lafayette and Hercules were pansexual and Alexander himself was bi. He matched the rest of his friends pace, joining in on the conversation. His friends had brought him out of his shell quite a bit, though he was still much more reserved than his younger self, the one who could easily talk for an hour straight without tiring. The conversation had suddenly shifted to the get-together tomorrow.  Wait, shit, tomorrow?

Alexander choked on his spit. “Christmas is tomorrow?” He questioned, regaining his breath.

“Yeah man, why do you think we were doing all this last minute shopping?” Hercules spoke, chuckling in amusement.

“I’ll be back! Meet me at the front doors or something!” He could hear his friends protest from behind him, but he needed to get  something for James and John! After a few minutes of searching he saw a sleek looking watch for only a hundred and fifty dollars, and he remembered James cursing that the one he had didn’t work. He smiled and made his purchase, getting it wrapped in a gift bag. He was still at a loss as to what to get John, though… the two of them had grew especially close, and Alexander was planning to confess to John for some time now. Christmas was a perfect time to do it, right? Alexander stopped mid step, Finding himself in front of an art store. Perfect. He made his way inside.

_Dear God that was a beautiful sketchbook._ Alexander picked it up, surveying it. It was thirty dollars, he’d still have fifty left for himself afterwards! Then he saw a calligraphy pen and a small ink pot on for fourty. Alexander had an idea. He purchased all three items then rushed to the front doors. Thank god his friends were there. He made his way up to them, panting.

“What’d you get?” Peggy looked at him curiously. Angelica looked at him too, but a knowing smirk was plastered onto her face. Of course she fucking knew, she could read him like a book. Alexander caught his breath, playfully glaring at Angelica. He turned to look at Peggy.

“Last minute shopping, yeah?” he smiled innocently. He sighed when his friends chorused his name with varying degrees of irritance.

“You agreed, Alexandre!” Lafayette frowned at him.

“I did no such thing,” Alexander retorted. “All I did was shrug.”

“He’s got a point, dude,” Hercules mumbled to Lafayette, letting out a hearty laugh when the taller man slapped his chest. Laurens was the next to speak.

“Alex, we told you, you really didn’t need to buy us anything,” Alexander shrugged with a cheeky smile.

“Well, I already did. Are we going now?” John let out a long sigh, draping his arm over the smaller boy’s shoulders.

“Yeah, we can go,” John muttered. Alexander caught Angelica’s eye, sticking out his tongue at her. She continued smiling, but let her gaze drop nonetheless.

  
  
  


No one was home when Alex got in. he supposed his foster parents were doing some of their own last minute shopping. This was fine by Alexander, he had wrapping to do.

 

He had finished within the hour. He wrapped the watch and lipstick separately, but tied them together with ribbon, sliding in a short letter (by short I mean five pages long, but whatever) explaining how grateful he was to them. In fact, he had done this for each gift. They all deserved to know how much they meant to him. But John’s gift… Alexander had cleaned up the tape, ribbon and wrapping paper, thinking about the leather bound sketch pad sitting on his desk. What was he going to write in the cover? He pulled out a piece of paper from his school bag and began to brainstorm and practice with his new pen.

His foster parents had gotten home before he finished, but neither had  questioned him. They just came in to tell Alexander to get some sleep before tomorrow. It was one in the morning when he had figured out what he was going to write, two in the morning when he had it scrawled in his best writing in the front cover. He read over his writing one last time then let out a shaky breath, content with his work

He waited for the ink to dry before closing the book, trailing his finger along the floral etching along the spine before sliding it gently into the gift bag that he had gotten with the watch. He changed out of his day clothes and into a large sweater, about to crawl into bed before he heard his window click shut.

His breath caught, his heart pounded, he whirled around ready to fight the intruder. Then he registered their face. “Burr?” Alexander choked out. Burr smiled.

"I told you I’d visit, didn’t I Alexander?” Alexander relaxed, stepping forwards to hug his friend. His strong grip was matched  by an equal amount of strength. After a minute, the two pulled away from each other.

‘I’m glad to see your stupid face, but really Aaron? Through my window?” Aaron shrugged,

“It seemed like something you would’ve done.” Alexander couldn’t really argue with that. The two boys sat on his bed.

“How long are you staying?” Alexander asked, wishing that his friend would stay, no matter how much they irritated each other.

“I’m afraid it’s just for tonight Alexander. But let us talk as we have the chance. How’s your new placement?” Alexander grinned, launching into conversation. When he had finished spewing out every detail he could remember, Burr was smiling, but his eyebrows were knitted in concern.

“I’m glad people are treating you well here. But, I have to ask… Are you not concerned about Mr. Reynolds, you know… I just don't want the same thing to happen here that happened with Mr. Frederick.” Alexander glared at the boy across from him.  His voice came out low, no room for disagreement being left.

“Mr. Frederick was a awful man, and it wasn't just me that he did that to. Don’t you _dare_ compare James to that fucking dick.” Burr let the subject drop, changing the topic to something lighter for the next few hours, before he left out the window, just as the sun began to rise. Alexander fell back onto his bed, deciding to catch at least an hour of sleep before the day begun.

  


He managed to squeeze in three full hours before James woke him up with a few light shakes. He told him that they’re leaving in an hour and that he wanted Alexander to wash and get dressed into something nice before kissing his cheek, wishing him a merry Christmas and leaving him to his own devices. Alexander got up and quickly and began his morning routine after kissing the photo of his mother, wishing her a Merry Christmas. He grabbed his nicest jeans, a white dress shirt, a dark green crew neck sweater and the christmas socks James had bought him the week before. He smiled at them. They were black with a christmas light pattern sewn into them, and some lit up if you step on the heel the right way. He then carried his clothes to the bathroom, took a quick shower, dried off got dressed and brushed his teeth. After a few minutes of decision making, Alexander blowdried his hair and left it down. He slid on his glasses and made his way out of the bathroom. James was waiting for him outside the door.

“You look great, ‘lexi.” Alexander smiled happily. “Are you ready to go?” James asked. Alex was about to nod before he remembered the presents.

“I just need one minute, then I’ll be down.” James nodded, tucked some of Alexander’s hair behind his ear then proceeded to head downstairs. Alexander went back to his room, gathered all of the presents, then made his way down.

 

James and Maria gasped when they saw him with all the presents. Luckily for Alexander, they were quick to help him carry them down. “Thanks,” Alexander breathed out. He hadn’t realized how hard it would be to carry everything at once.

“Where’d you get the money for these?’ Maria marveled.

“I was doing some odd jobs, I wanted to make sure everyone got something,” Alexander said softly. “I had to guess a little bit, but I hope everyone will be happy with what I got them…” His foster parents smiled softly at him, both of them pulling him into a hug. James glanced over the clock, seeing that it was already noon.

“We’re gonna be late!” He exclaimed, causing Alex to let out a soft giggle. The piled all of the presents into the trunk of the car and then drove off to the Washington’s.

 

 

Alexander stood in awe at all of the golden Christmas decorations. He almost dropped the presents in his arms when he saw the huge, ten foot tall tree in the foyer. He gently placed the presents beneath the tree, craning his neck to try and look at everything. They were the last ones to arrive, but the Washingtons weren't upset, they merely teased James for his fairly consistent tardiness.

The adults gathered in the kitchen to talk and help to prepare the dinner. The teenagers headed to the living room where snacks had already been set out. They snacked and talked in high spirits about their usual family traditions on the holidays. The Schuyler’s were a little lost without their sister, but they kept their chins up, knowing that Eliza would never want them to be upset on their favourite holiday.

Alexander and John sat close, staring at the other when the other wasn’t looking. By the time the Christmas dinner had been made, Alexander was practically laying on John, both of them giggly and flushed.

 

Dinner was a loud affair, conversations upbeat and cheerful. Many complements went to the chefs, and when the dinner was finished they all sat around the television, eating chocolates and cookies, watching _A Christmas Story_. The close proximity between Alexander and John didn’t go unnoticed by anyone but themselves. It was nine at night when the movie was over, and now it was time for the gift exchange.

The throw blanket Alexander got the two Washingtons was immediately wrapped around the two of them, both thanking Alexander profusely for the extra warmth. Hercules loved the new needles, almost bringing himself to tears. Lafayette thought the painting was perfect, telling everyone about the lavender fields it reminded him of when he was living in France. Maria was incredibly happy about the new lipstick, saying that she had wanted the same one for a long time. Peggy had nearly screamed when she saw her gift, quickly latching onto Alexander. Angelica and Alex laughed when they realised they had gotten each other the same book. James loved the watch, wrapping Alexander into a tight hug. Each of them though had been brought to tears by Alexander’s personalized letters, to which Alexander laughed off, but was touched to know that he had been able to move them all so deeply.

Alexander wasn’t left empty handed either. He had gotten a sleek new laptop, and he was excited to begin writing more. He also got a new phone, eliciting a loud laugh from everyone when he admitted he had no idea how to use it. He was promised free lessons from each of his friends and took them gratefully. He also had gotten sweaters, a beautiful silk tie, a hand knitted beanie and a lion onesie. When all eyes were off of him, John pulled him to the side.”

“I was wondering,” John began. “If I could give you your gift in private?” Alexander blushed, nodding quickly.

“I wanted to give your present to you in private as well,” Alex said with a grin, bending down beside the tree to pick up John’s present. John had led him to a guest room, both of them sitting on the bed. They looked at each other with flushed faces, the moonlight and the reflection from the snow illuminating the room. They handed each other their respective gifts without a word and opened them. Both let out a gasp.

Alexander weighed the heavy journal in his hands. It was leather bound with intricate knot work, an opal embedded in it’s center. He opened the book to find a beautiful drawing of a lion and a turtle done on the natural paper. Alexander felt tears slip down his face. It was the most beautiful gift he had ever gotten.

 

John let his fingers run over the dark leather and the floral design. Slowly he opened it to find a poem in Alexander’s beautiful script.

 

_Of Stars and Morning Dew_

 

_Each freckle that rests upon your face is like a fleck of gold._

_A star._

_A galaxy sprawled across the canvas of your body, as if the gods decided they had too many supernovas so they gave them to you to wear as if a cloak._

_Your eyes shimmer like sunlight through amber, and your tears…_

_Are like raindrops._

_Your teeth are like ivory and your scars are as if a scriptor used candle wax instead of ink to tell your story,_

_You, my dearest Laurens, are beautiful._

_With your scabbed, rose bud lips, your feather soft hair and the eyelashes that flutter like a raven’s wing against your upper cheek,_

_You, my dearest Laurens, are beautiful._

_Your fingers are that of a pianist, long and delicate, but skilled and quick,_

_Your palms and brow glisten with morning dew as fire fans across your cheeks,_

_And your eyes burn with an ambitious flame, unmatched and unknown by any creature that roams this mortal plane_

_You, my dearest Laurens, are beautiful._

_Each step you take is placed with hesitant curiosity,_

_The subtle swing of your hips done accidentally,_

_And this, I can say with certainty,_

_You, my dearest Laurens, are beautiful._

_What else am I able to say,_

_So that I can convey,_

_You, my dearest Laurens, are beautiful._

_Understand that_

_You, my dearest Laurens, are beautiful._

 

_Ever yours,_

_Alexander Hamilton_

 

 

John almost cried.

No words were spoken between the two boys, just a mutual feeling of love and admiration flowing freely in the air. Slowly, they leaned into each other, lips colliding, sparks flying free as fireworks boomed inside their heads. Material objects were left behind as Alexander was pulled into John’s lap, both of them melting together, their molds fitting perfectly against the other’s. Alexander pulled away to catch his breath. Lips less than a centimeter away from the other’s, he spoke.

 

“Merry Christmas, my Dearest Laurens.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be sleeping, but instead I'm here hyping myself up for a holiday that's eight months away. The poetry is my own.  
> petit lion - little lion


	7. Nobody Needs to Know

James had just noticed his foster son had disappeared from the room. He was gone along with the Laurens kid. It was midnight now, and he and Maria wanted to go home. There still was no sign of him and he was becoming worried. Well, more irritated than worried. He was starting to wonder if this kid was even worth the effort. He left the company of the Washingtons, excusing himself to look for Alexander.

He looked through the large house, most rooms being empty. Where the hell was he? He stopped in front of a door to one of the guest rooms. He walked in. There he was.

Alexander was sitting on that little shit’s lap, too busy swapping spit to notice him. The two of them moved together, slowly rolling their hips, listening for the sounds that came from the other. James was disgusted by what he saw. He cleared his throat.

Alexander quickly pulled off of Laurens, face flushed and panting. “Oh, is is it time to go already?” Alexander spoke smoothly, trying to play off what happened. James wasn’t impressed. Fuck, what happens if he lets the kid get attached to John? He had to act quick. James gave a curt nod, telling Alexander to hurry. James and Maria waited a full ten minutes by the front door, carrying cheerful conversations with the Washingtons and the other four teens. Alexander and Laurens were more put together then when he had left them, but both were obviously disheveled. Their friends noticed but didn’t say a word, laughing amongst themselves. When Alexander was saying his goodbyes, James caught the small comment that came from the French boy’s mouth.

“I will see you on New Year's, Tomcat,’ James frowned but lifted back into a smile to say his final goodbyes. With Maria and Alexander in tow, he made his way to the car and sped off to their home, white knuckling the steering wheel as he tried to get the image of _his_ _Alexander_ on top of that fucking kid. Maria tried to help him calm down, but he brushed her off in irritance.

 

 

If Alexander hadn’t been so high off of his first real kiss on the drive home, he would’ve noticed something was off about the way his foster parents were acting. But once he was inside, coming down from his high he realized something was wrong. Maria was scared. What of, he didn’t know. He closed the front door behind him, kicking off his shoes and hanging up his coat. He then noticed how tense James was. Why was he angry? He felt self conscious under his foster father’s scrutinizing gaze, feeling it cut deep into his skin. He walked over to him, gently putting his hand on the older man’s shoulder. Before he could say anything, ask what was wrong, he was shoved to the floor. His skull connected with the cold tile, his glasses falling off his face. He could hear Maria’s voice, screaming. What was happening?

“James, what the Hell!? He didn’t do anything!”

“He was being a fucking slut, Maria! You should have seen him, fucking writhing in that bastards lap!’ _Bastard._ **_Bastard._** Alexander sat up, slowly getting to his feet.

“Don’t use that fucking word…” James snorted.

“You think you’re tough, huh ‘lexi? _”_ James stepped towards Alexander, only stopped by Maria clinging on his arm, begging for him to calm down. James shrugged her off, pushing her away. Alexander was shaking. What happened to James? Suddenly his feet were off the ground. James held him up by his collar.

“You didn’t answer me, you _bastard._ Do you think you’re fucking tough!?” James shook him violently, and Alexander swung up his leg, kneeing the man in the stomach. James dropped him, doubling over in momentary pain. Alexander stumbled back, his spine thudding against the drywall.  Maria had gotten back onto her feet and was begging again, pleading for James to stop. James snarled viciously. Wrapping his hands around her thin throat, he pinned her to the ground. Alexander was suddenly eight again, in his tiny little shack of a house, his father lashing his mother with his belt, over and over and over again. Alexander rushed over to Maria’s side, with the small amount of strength he had he was able to pry James off of her. Maria choked and spluttered, trying to catch her breath. Alexander stood in front of her, taking on a defensive stance. James only chuckled. “That’s pretty cute, darlin’.” Alexander shivered.

“ _Who the_ _fuck are you?”_ Alexander asked, hands balling into fists. James smiled, stepping forwards. Alex tensed, ready to fight back, but James only held his face in his hands. Alexander almost relaxed into the touch, hating himself for enjoying the familiarity, especially _now._

“I’m still the same person, sweetheart. Nothing’s changed.” Alexander shook his head, trying to pull away. Tears had started to run down his face now and James gently wiped them away with one hand, the other gripping Alexander's wrist painfully tight. Maria had begun mumbling out pleas again, trying to sit up but falling back to the floor time and time again. James rolled his eyes, grabbed Alexander’s other wrist and kicked her in the nose. She wouldn’t be getting up for a while. Alexander struggled against him, screaming for him not to touch her.

Alexander was pushed out of the kitchen and into the hall. James had easily picked up Alexander, and even with all of his squirming he carried him to the Master bedroom and tossed him onto the neatly made bed. Alexander’s eyes widened, realizing what was about to happen. Burr was right, oh God _Burr was right._ Alexander was quick to press his back flat against the headboard and pull his knees to his chest. This couldn’t be happening, please be a bad dream, _this isn't happening_ . James rolled back his shoulders, making sure the door was locked. “Don’t look so scared, ‘lexi. There isn’t a need to worry. You won't struggle, right?” Alexander’s breath picked up, but he nodded, knowing from experience that if he struggled it would hurt so much more than it had to. As James crawled ontop of him, peeling off his shirt, tears rolled down Alexander’s face. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want this, **_he didn’t want this, please no._ ** James kissed away his tears, hands roaming up and down his sides.

“Please… Please be gentle.” Alexander choked out. James nodded against his neck, murmuring sweet nothings. His whole body trembled with fear as James trailed kisses from his ear lobe, to his jaw, to his neck, and to his chest. Alexander let out a sob, what did he do? What did he do wrong? Everything was fine, so what did he do? Alexander let out a gasp when he felt James’ mouth latch onto his nipple, sucking softly. Oh god he hated this, he wanted it to stop, but the slow torture continued. His heart was beating loud in his chest, soft sobs bubbling up from his throat. James had tugged off Alexander's pants and his own shirt. Alexander was completely bare against the larger man. Alexander shifted his wrists in James’ hold, which earned him a sharp bite on his lower lip in warning. Alexander felt himself gag when he realized through the soft kisses and gentle touches, he was getting hard. He wasn't the only one that noticed.

James chuckled, pulling away to look at Alexander’s tear stained and flushed face. “Are you enjoying this, sweetheart?” Alexander looked away, but that was answer enough for James. Alexander almost screamed when he felt something wet warm around his cock. His newly free hands flew to his mouth to keep himself from being too loud. He squeezed his eyes shut when he felt a dry finger make its way into his ass, mouth still around his cock. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and blocked out every touch he felt.

 

***

  
  
Alexander laid in James’ arms, ear on the other’s chest, listening to his heart beat. He felt disgustingly filthy, laying with drying cum on his stomach and deep in his ass. Bile rose in his throat as he realized he _enjoyed_ what had just happened if how quick he was to spill was any indication. He was told that this was his punishment for being a whore. And he agreed, he was a whore. Sure, it wasn’t official, but he and John had just gotten together, and what does he go do? Get fucked by his god damn foster father, his body enjoying every second of it. This was all his fault.  He watched the room slowly fill with light as the sun rose. This was fine. James loved him and was just making sure he stayed in line. John didn’t need to know. Nobody needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was the most disgusting thing I've ever wrote. I feel physically ill.
> 
> (Side note: I had planned for this chapter just to be more Lams??? What happened????)


	8. And a Happy New Year

_Hands covered his small, bare frame. Tears streamed down his face and his body shook as he let out gasping sobs, but he was far too frail for them to be louder than a whisper. It hurt so much, he felt filthy. His body wasn’t his own anymore. He shivered, trying to squirm away from Frederick’s voice, but he was too weak, and the voice turned from comforting words to grotesque threats. His heart pounded loudly in his chest, and he decided, maybe just this once, it would be better not to fight back._

 

Alexander bolted up-right, sweat drenched and misty eyed. He looked over his shoulder to find Mr. Reynolds still asleep. He exhaled slowly. Good. He slowly stood, wincing as a stab of pain ran up his spine. He felt something dribble down his leg and he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He dashed to the attached bathroom and collapsed in front of the toilet bowl, throwing up last night’s Christmas dinner. He retched until nothing was left, and even after the fact, he had continued to dry heave, salty tears mixing with the acidic taste left in his mouth. He heard someone walk in behind him, but he was exhausted. He rested his head on the seat, letting his eyelids fluttered closed.  A hand was on his back. _He’s going to hurt you._

Alexander flung himself away from the touch, smacking his head on the cabinet door. The person was quick to shush and sooth him. It was Maria… Oh thank god. She closed the door behind her, an action that usually makes him anxious, but knowing that James was in the other room, it comforted him. Maria flushed the toilet and opened the window, trying to air out the smell. Silently, she filled a glass with water and handed it to Alexander. When he didn’t take it she gently tipped his head back and lifted the glass to his lips. Not wanting her efforts to be for nothing, he took a sip, enjoying how it washed away the god awful flavour in his mouth.  Maria smiled softly and pulled away, her face becoming a blur again. She began to run water for a bath, making sure it was nice and warm. Why was she taking a bath in front of him? He felt her soft hands on his elbow and forearm, helping him stand with the patience of a Saint. Oh, the bath was for him. Slowly, he got in with her assistance and when he hit the water he instantly relaxed, everything melting away. “How bad was it?” She asked softly, her eyes shining with tears. Sadness. Shame. Sympathy.

“Nothing I haven’t dealt with before, I’ll be fine” Alexander replies with false confidence. _He thought this place was different. Thought he’d be safe. When was he ever safe?_ Maria nodded slowly, guilt weighing heavily on her.

‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t want this to happen. I tried so hard, I swear…  I should’ve tried harder. I’m so sorry,” she cried like an angel. She reminded him of Eliza, how her chin would scrunch up and she’d bite her lip, leaving perfect prints of her canines. _Not now_.

“Hey, hey. It’s not your fault. Is… is your nose okay?” He looked at her in concern. It didn’t seem to be broken and the swelling had gone gown, but you can never be too sure. She nodded and stood up, muttering for him not to worry about her. He couldn’t help it. She grabbed a washcloth and go to her knees again, dipping it underwater.

“Can I wash you?” She asks hesitantly. Alexander shakes his head, taking the cloth from her. She nods in understanding and turns away to give him more privacy. Alexander was glad. He was already embarrassing himself, sitting in front of her disgusting and helpless. He didn’t want to bring anymore shame to himself. He cleaned off his stomach and legs, scrubbing them till they were raw. He took a deep breath and tried to slow the beating of his heart. He quickly slid a finger into his aching ass, trying to rinse out all of the sticky fluid still deep inside of him. _Fuck, your ass is so tight Alexander._ He shuddered, finishing as quickly as possible, not feeling any cleaner than before. _Are you enjoying this, sweetheart?_ Alexander pulled the plug out of the drain. Maria turned around, helping him out of the tub and into a warm towel. She told him to keel on the carpet, saying that it would hurt less than sitting. _So quick to get on your knees for me, my desperate little slut._ Alexander said that he’d prefer to stand.

She helped him dry his hair, being sure to be as gentle as she could. “Thank you… so much.” Alexander whispered,  saturated sincerity filled his features as he looked at her, tears in his eyes. She smiled, opening her mouth to reply. A knock on the door made Alexander’s blood run cold.

“Alexander, Maria, can I come in?” James didn’t wait for a reply before turning the handle and opening the door. Alexander and Maria stood in fear, not knowing what to expect. James smiled, walking up to them and brought both of them close to his chest. “Good morning, darlings,” James said, voice still rugged from sleep. James kissed each of their foreheads, and for a second, Alexander felt loved.

 

***

 

The last few days of the year passed relatively normally, no mishaps, no fighting, nothing out of the norm. Alexander almost wondered if it was just a horrible dream. He would’ve believed himself if he didn’t still have hickeys littering his chest and thighs. But it was probably only a one time thing. James was a good man, he just had made a mistake, and he made up for it. He didn’t go a day without apologizing at least once, and he got both of them new clothes. A beautiful red dress for Maria and nice canvas vest for Alexander. Soon enough, it was New Years. He was quickly getting the hang of his new phone and was able to talk to his friends with minimal difficulty. The emojis were a little odd, but he enjoyed the miniature characters greatly, they were so bright and colorful. He and his friends were meeting at the Schuyler's house for New Years, no adults, just them celebrating together. As a family. Alexander was excited to say the least. I was nine o’clock when Lafayette picked him up, flaunting his new car that the Washingtons gave to him the the morning after Christmas. Alexander thought back to what he was doing the morning after, but pushed it aside, waving to his foster parents as he got into the car and sped off with Lafayette to the Schuyler residence.

It was fucking huge. That’s all Alexander could say. What’s with these people and their oversized houses? Lafayette hadn’t knocked, just walked right in, dragging Alexander behind him. “Vite, Alexandre! Or they will start the movie without us!” Alexander picked up his pace, laughing with the Frenchman as they ended up sprinting through the empty halls. They stopped in front of a sliding door. Lafayette flung it open and walked inside. Or rather, outside. Surrounded by the huge house was a private lot, sitting in the middle was a pool in the shape of a ring. A small bridge connected the outside of the ring to the inside where the rest of their friends sat in a large hot tub, a T.V set up and ready to go in front of them. Lafayette handed him some swimming trunks and told him to change. “You know where to find us” Lafayette winked and made his way over to the tub, throwing off his shirt along the way. Alexander laughed and went back inside, deciding just to change in the hallway. He was halfway through taking off his undershirt when he remembered the hickeys. John. He decided to leave on the under shirt. Sure, they were almost completely faded now, but he didn’t want to risk it. He tugged on the trunks and hurried back out to his friends, shivering at how cold the snow was against his bare feet.

“Yo, what took so long?” Hercules questioned, moving so that Alexander could sit between him and John. Alexander shrugged, slipping into the tub. God, it was nice and warm. He looked over at John and blushed, smiling at him softly. John immediately wrapped his arm around Alexander and pulled him close. Peggy groaned.

“Okay, if you two are done pinning, we’d like to start the movie now” John laughed and nodded. And so they started.

 

It was ten forty five when the movie was over. Quickly everyone got out. John gave Alexander a chaste kiss before helping him out. Alexander smiled bashfully, and kissed John again once he was out. He pulled away slightly and whispered against John’s lips. “Last one back in the house owes the other a kiss,” Alexander dashed away, giggling like a maniac when John chased after him.

John ended up winning and stood by the door, pointing smugly to his lips. Alexander passed him walking inside. John followed. “Hey, where’s my kiss?”

“I said first one _in_ the house. I win. So where’s _my_ kiss?” John chuckled, wrapping his arms tight around Alexander’s waist.

“You’re lucky that I’m okay with losing,” John murmured, pressing a lingering kiss against Alexander’s lips.

“Ugh, get a room ya nasties,” Both of them stopped, looking at the youngest Schuyler. The two blinked, suddenly aware that their friends were watching. They blushed and pulled away, embarrassed.

“I don’t mind mes amis, but I do suggest changing out of your clothes before you two, how you say, um, catch a freeze?”

“Catch a cold,” Hercules corrected gently.

“Ah, yes! Catch a cold,” Lafayette finished. Alexander caught sight of Lafayette’s chest. He had two identical scars under each pectoral muscle. _What happened?_ Lafayette had caught him staring. Crap, he was staring. He hadn’t meant to. The others had noticed as well, and Hercules took a defensive stance and Lafayette was suddenly looking self conscious. “Herc, I’m sure he didn’t mean it. I will tell after, oui Alexandre?” Alex nodded, and picked up his clothes from the floor. Angelica gave him directions to the nearest bathroom tensely, and Alexander quickly followed them. Fuck, he shouldn’t have starred. _They hate you now._ He didn’t even realize. _You hurt him_. He didn’t mean to, he swore it on his mother’s grave.

Alexander quickly changed back into his clothes, hanging his wet ones over the side of the bath tub. He was nervous. He looked around the house for a little bit, and eventually found everyone else in the main living room. John was quick to make room for him to sit. Lafayette stopped pacing when he saw him. Alexander sat quickly and was going to start apologizing before Lafayette held up his index finger, an indication to shut his mouth. He took the advice. Lafayette looked at Hercules and received a nod of encouragement. Lafayette paused, taking a deep breath.

“I am, how you say, uh, trans. I was a girl, but now I am a boy, you see? Non, non, I'm not explaining it right..." he frowned for a second before resuming. "I was always a boy, I just was not... equipped properly? ” Peggy snorted at how badly Lafayette butchered his explanation but nodded along supportively none the less.  Lafayette was tense, waiting for a response from Alexander. The boy blinked.

“Oh. That’s all?” Lafayette looked confused.

“That’s all? That’s _all?”_ Alexander blinked again. _Was_ there something else? “I was here, pacing, scared to tell you my huge secret, and all I get is “that’s all?” Alexandre, ce que l'enfer?” Alexander shrugged.

“ _Is_ there more?” He asked.

“Non! I just came _out to you!_ Are you not to saying anything else!?” Lafayette’s English had begun to slip.

“Do you _want_ me to say something else?” Lafayette laughed, sitting back on the couch, falling back into his regular, relaxed state.

“Non. I was just surprised, mon ami,” Hercules patted Lafayette’s shoulder heartily.

“See, man? He’s chill,” Lafayette smiled. John turned to Alex grinning.

“Where’s that chill when someone talks shit about immigrants?” Alexander glared at him, shoving him playfully. Everyone laughed cheerfully. Peggy smiled brightly.

“Since you know about Laffy Taffy, I might as well tell you too. I was assigned male at birth but that never really, ya know, was me. So I identify as a woman and go by feminine pronouns, cool?” Alexander nodded. “Great! Now with that out of the way, who wants brownies?” Everyone let out a cheer. Angelia rushed to the kitchen with Peggy. Angelica came back with two six packs and a few coolers, and Peggy set a large tray of brownies on the coffee table.

John picked up the largest brownie and split it in half, giving one half to Alexander. Angelica had flipped on the T.V, changing it to the New York Ball Drop and sat down. When she looked over to Alexander, he had finished the half of the brownie he was given and was reaching for another. “Alexander, slow down you pot head!” she called to him. He looked back confused.

“What?” Alexander asked. John looked mortified.

“Babe, the fuck?”

‘What, they’re good!”

“You’re gonna green out, dipshit!”

“...What?”

“They’re… oh fuck, you didn’t know they were pot brownies,”

“... _what.”_ Alexander repeated, face paling. Peggy fell off of her chair, howling with laughter. Angelica stared a the interaction. _Holy fuck, she thought he knew._ Hercules and Lafayette were crying, each had their head in their hands, shoulders shaking with laughter.

“Oh fuck, I’m glad I only gave you half…And you haven’t eaten in at least an hour, shit,” John put down his barely touched half on the coffee table. Alexander looked up at him in fear. His voice was barely a whisper it was so quiet.

“...Am I going to die?” John snorted, shaking his head.

“God no, Alex. You’re fine, Doll. Just don’t panic, and no more for tonight,” Alexander nodded, relaxing against John. John reached and grabbed the rest of his brownie and a beer. Everyone settled down and stared at the T.V with a drink in hand, waiting for their own high to hit. Most of them had fallen asleep before the ball dropped, but Alexander and John had managed to keep their eyes open, fighting off sleep. When the clock turned and cheers roared from the television, Alexander slowly moved, straddled John’s hips and kissed him lazily. Their lips moved together slowly, each basking blissfully in the other’s warmth. John pulled away after ten minutes on wandering hands and sleepy kisses, pulling Alexander to his chest. Both were on the brink of sleep.

 

  
“Happy New Year, my Dearest Hamilton,” John breathed out before letting his eyes fall shut, Alexander safe in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gong to write and post this earlier, but I watched Collateral Beauty today and needed a small break from the angst to heal myself.  
> Vite - Quickly  
> Ce que l'enfer - What the Hell


	9. Thomas Jefferson's Coming Home

Thomas looked out of the window, watching the white clouds stretch endlessly below him. He hummed in content as he turned back in his seat. He leaned back comfortably in his chair, stretching out his legs. First class was pretty nice, but his parent’s plane was far nicer. He looked at his smaller friend who was comfortably sleeping, soft snores slipping from his lips. He smiled knowing that in less than two hours they’d be home just in time for the second semester. France was a beautiful country but there really is no place like home. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes.  _ What did he miss? _

  
  


***

 

Alexander woke up happily for the first time in a while. Exams were finally over and the next semester started today. He had already checked his schedule with his friends, sharing every class with at least one of them except for Pre-Law. In English he had Lafayette and Hercules, Math with Angelica and World Issues with John. After New Years John and Alexander decided to make their relationship official, and even now Alexander still got the same kind of butterflies he had when first met the older boy. His Birthday had been a small affair at his request. He never did like his birthday and he was glad his friends respected that, so they all sat down to marathon the Lord of the Rings and that was more than Alexander could wish for. Aaron even came to visit for the night, keeping Alexander up to talk until the morning.

Fuck, he still had to get ready for school. He quickly got in the shower and scrubbed himself down, changed into some clean clothes and tied up his hair. He quickly rushed out of his room and to the front door where James was patiently waiting. Alexander smiled apologetically and stuffed his feet in his shoes. He grabbed his bag and pulled on his coat, following James to the car. Their relationship had returned back to normal after… The incident. Alexander didn’t like to think about it, and he was glad they could just put it behind them. He was more jumpy than he was before though, and shied away from the older man’s touches. He got into the passenger’s side, buckling his seat belt before James drove off. “Hey, what do you think about getting a new jacket  this weekend? The one you’ve been wearing is pretty thin, plus it’s filthy.”

Alexander looked down at the thin grey coat. James was right, it was stained with dirt and the fabric was frayed and ripped. “You really don’t have to spend anymore money on me, you’ve been incredibly generous as it is. Besides, I-” James stopped him.

“Sweetheart, you’re rambling again.”  _ Are you enjoying this, sweetheart? _ Alexander pushed his intrusive thoughts away. “I want to, plus I totally missed your birthday, remember?” Alexander nodded. “Great, then it’s settled, we can get one this weekend,” All Alexander could do was nod again. They finally pulled up to the school, James mentioning that he was looking forward to seeing him last period. Alexander agreed, getting out of the car and making his way to the smoking pit where his friends were chatting happily. Without breaking the conversation Alexander made his way over to John where he was pulled into the other’s lap.

“I can’t believe you’re moving on to grade eleven you jerk. We could’ve had classes together this semester,” Peggy spat at him in false agitation. He gave a little shrug and smiled innocently.

“I guess I’m just too smart for you,” Peggy scoffed.

“As if!” Alexander grinned at her. John spoke up.

“Hey, Angelica, Debate starts up today, right? I’m sure Alex here would love to fight some ‘under educated fucksticks’ if he’s still the same Alexander he was a week ago,” Alexander snorted and pushed his boyfriend's face away from his neck where he was leaving a trail of kisses.  _ His boyfriend.  _ Angelica grinned and nodded.

“Jefferson’s back today too. I’d love to see that prick get destroyed,” Lafayette looked affronted.

“Thomas is my friend! He is not that bad!” Everyone looked at him with their eyebrows raised.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Alexander started. “Thomas Jefferson? Like  _ the _ Thomas Jefferson? Like wealthiest kid in Virginia Thomas Jefferson?” Everyone nodded. “He goes  _ here? _ ” They nodded again and Alexander stared at the ground, tuning everyone out as he almost vibrated in excitement.

“Yeah, everyone would expect him to go to some fancy private school, but he’d prefer to ‘Slum it with the poor’” Hercules stated, scrunching his nose.

“He was joking when he said that!” Lafayette defended.

“Sure he was,” Hercules muttered, rolling his eyes. Lafayette frowned, looking away. First bell rung loudly and Lafayette became chipper again, gesturing for Alexander to follow him and Hercules. Alexander gave his boyfriend a chaste kiss goodbye and quickly caught up with his other friends. He could feel the tense air that lingered between the two, and talked lightly, trying to ease them. It hadn’t worked all too much, so in English Alexander sat between the two. 

 

The day had gone by gruelingly slow, and as he walked to last period, Alexander was exhausted. It was going to be weird seeing James teach, should he call him Mr. Reynolds? That’d probably be better. Lost in thought, Alexander continued walking to his next class, only to be stopped when someone ran into him. The kid was even shorter than him! It was only by an inch, but it was still surprising to see.  Both him and the other had stumbled back. Alexander was able to catch himself, but the other wasn’t quite as fortunate. Alexander held out his hand to him. “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there,” the kid stared at Alexander in fear, then nervously pulled on his earlobe. Alexander blinked. “Are you okay?” The kid pulled his earlobe again nervously, looking Alexander in the eyes. Oh, the kid’s deaf. Alexander tried to think back to when he was younger his teacher had taught the small class sign language. He couldn’t remember enough to have a conversation. Quickly, he pulled out his pen and wrote on his hand, showing it to the smaller boy.

**“Are you okay?”** The kid smiled softly and nodded, finally taking Alexander’s outstretched hand. He dug into his pocket and pulled out his own pen.

**“Yes, thank you. Do you know where Pre-Law is? I’m lost.”** Alexander nodded and held out his arm for the other to grab onto, leading him to the classroom. When they got there James had beckoned them in, sitting them together at the front of the class.

“Wonderful, Alexander. You can help Mr. Madison here, right?” James questioned. Alexander nodded.

“Yes sir.” James smiled professionally and began to take role-call. When he finished he stated that today would just consist of getting to know your classmates better, admitting that it was because he forgot to make any kind of lesson plan which earned a laugh from the class. Soon enough he let them each go off to socialize. Alexander took his note book and opened it to a blank page, scribbling down a quick line before passing it to the kid beside him with a disarming smile.

**“What’s your name? I’m Alexander Hamilton.”**

**“James Madison. I’m sorry about earlier, I can usually read lips, but of course I forgot my glasses today.”** Alexander let out a small laugh and nodded in understanding. For the rest of the period the two boys passed notes back and forth, quickly growing close. By the end of the period James had offered to walk home with him, but Alexander politely declined, saying that he had something to do. James smiled in understanding, wishing him goodbye and saying (well, writing) that he couldn’t wait to see him tomorrow. And as quickly as that, his new friend was gone. Alexander smiled to himself, packing away his things.

 

“So kid? How was your first day?” Alexander smiled up at his foster father. 

“Good! A little slow, but it was nice,” James smiled at him.

“I know how you feel. I’m going to stay behind a bit, are you okay to walk home?” 

“Actually, debate’s starting today. I was wondering if I could check it out?” Alexander asked. James grinned.

"That’s perfect, great for practicing law. I should be done by the time you are too, so I can still drive you if you’d like.” Alexander grinned and nodded. Giving his foster father a quick wave before promising to meet him back at the classroom. Angelica was waiting outside, ready to show him to the debate team.

“Our team’s rather small, but I’m sure you’re fine with that, right Alexander?” Alex grinned and nodded, excited to meet Mr. Jefferson. God, he’d be a brilliant debate partner. Educated by only the best? He must be a genius. Alexander was confused as to why someone as wealthy as him would ever bother with leaving his home for anything, even education, but he admired wanting to learn in a public setting with so many diverse and conflicting ideas floating around. He and Angelica walked into the room, and upon seeing him,the tall, curly haired figure, Alexander bounded over, hand outstretched in greeting.

“Mr. Jefferson, sir! An honor to meet you!” Jefferson looked at him, an eyebrow raising with interest.

“And who may you be?” Thomas replied smoothly, giving the small hand a gentle shake. Alexander blushed in embarrassment.

“Oh yes, of course. Alexander Hamilton, at your service!” Alexander spewed out quickly, not realizing he had let his faux New York accent slip. Thomas grinned. This kid was adorable.

“Well Alexander, the pleasure’s all mine. It’s always lovely to see a fresh face. Where are you from? Your accent is beautiful.” Alexander’s eyes widened in shock. He had kept it so well hidden for so long, how the hell did he manage to slip up now? Fuck, he still had to answer the question. He supposed there was no use in covering his accent now, but Hell would freeze over before Alexander didn’t try to cover up a mistake, so he fell back into the fake accent.

“U-Uh, well, I moved from New York, but I’m from the Caribbean…” Jefferson nodded. 

“I’m sorry to hear. Say, are you a legal immigrant?” Alexander choked.

“Jefferson! On your first day back, really? Leave him alone,” Angelica butted in, obviously irritated with the tall man.

“It was only a question, Angelica. Well? Are you?” Everyone was staring now and Alexander felt his heart race, face flushing in shame and embarrassment.

“Well, I… I don’t have the documents for it, but-”

“So you think you can come here and just laze around, not putting in any kind of effort and mooch off of us for free?” Jefferson waited patiently for a response. Sure the kid was cute, but there’s no use going after him if he isn’t interesting. Well, he supposed he could just fuck him and leave, but that game was starting to get old. Alexander on the other hand was furious. What the fuck was wrong with this pompous prick? Alexander turned icy, listening to the chorus of ‘ooo’s’ coming from their audience. “Well, come on now. If the shoe fits, wear it,” Alexander snarled.

“Isn’t that precisely what you did for the two years you were in France, Mr. Jefferson?” Alexander replied coolly, all previous admiration towards this man completely gone. He ignored the shouts from the others. Angelica leaned back against a desk, a smirk playing on her lips as she took out her phone and hit ‘Record’. “And furthermore, Mr. Jefferson,” Alexander continued, ready to rip this fucker a new one. “Have you ever worked a day in your life? Are you not part of the wealthiest family in Virginia? What is it your family does? Press grapes into wine? Have you ever even  _ been  _ to a vineyard, let alone work at one, Mr. Jefferson?” Thomas felt his eyebrows dart up in shock, and slowly shook his head. “So then don’t mouth off to me about being lazy when I’ve been working my ass off since since day one to keep myself alive when you’ve never had to list a finger for your entire  _ life.”   _ Thomas was surprised _.  _ This kid had guts. He could feel all eyes on the two of them, gawking. He noticed Angelica videotaping, and was willing to let this kid have this one victory if his friends would be watching. Hey, he could be generous. “So why don't you turn around and bend over?  _ I’ll show you where my shoe fits!”  _ Alexander finished, face flushed an angry red, chest to chest with Thomas. The screams from the other kids were priceless. Angelica had stopped videotaping, breaking up the two boys.

“Okay, okay. That’s all for today. Thank you two for being our, um, examples, I suppose. Everyone out, come back tomorrow, we can actually start then.” Angelica said without any room for argument. Alexander gave her a small smile and wished her goodbye before leaving to find James. 

 

Alexander was almost back at the classroom when he heard quick footsteps behind him. He turned around to come face to face with Jefferson and scowled.

“ _ What.”  _ Jefferson grinned at the greeting.

“You did well today. I was impressed.” Alexander raised his eyebrows at that.

“You know we’re a nation founded by immigrants, right?” Thomas nodded.

“I know. It was a test of sorts. To see if you were worth my time.” Alexander blinked. Oh. Of course! A test, someone as well educated as Jefferson would have done such a thing. Alexander grinned. 

“O-Oh, well, thank god… I was scared you were another bigoted asshole.” Thomas laughed at that, grinning widely.

“Say, Alexander, are you free tomorrow night? We could possibly grab some dinner together?” Thomas asked, leaning against a locker, looking down at the small boy. Alexander blinked.

“Like.. a date?” He asked. Thomas nodded, a charming grin gracing his lips. “I... No, I’m sorry. I’m taken.” Thomas frowned.  _ What?   _ “But maybe some other time? As friends?” Thomas stood back up and nodded, smiling sweetly.

“Of course. May I ask by who, though?” Alexander smiled, glad that Thomas was taking it well.

“John Laurens.” He said, grinning. “Anyways, it was lovely to meet you. I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Jefferson.” Alexander smiled, walking away to his foster father’s classroom. He knocked on the door and walked in to find James packing up.

“Just in time as always, Darlin’. How was debate?” James questioned.

“Pretty well. I met Thomas Jefferson, he’s absolutely brilliant! He was really nice at first, then he was a total dick, but it turned out he was testing me? He was so believable too!” James let out a laugh.

“Was that who asked you out?” Alexander was startled. “Don’t look so shocked,” James said lightly, swinging his bag over his shoulder. “Neither of you are exactly quiet people.” Alexander smirked and nodded, not trying to deny the fact. The two of them walked to the parking lot. “So did you say yes?” Alexander shook his head. 

“You know I’m dating John,” James sighed.

“I know, but Thomas is a good kid, smart. He’d be better for you than that pothead troublemaker.” Alexander glared at James as they got into the car.

“He’s really not that bad, I don’t know why you don’t like him,”  James shrugged and didn’t continue any further on the subject, driving the two of them home.

 

***

  
Thomas layed in bed that night, staring into the darkness. That Hamilton kid still hadn’t faded from his thoughts like other people usually would. He was so sure he would’ve said yes, but now he was losing sleep over the small boy. One thing was for sure though, Thomas knew what he wanted and what he wanted was Alexander. He was going to get what he wanted one way or another. He’d make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *jazz hands*


	10. Say No To This

Lafayette rushed after Hercules, trying to keep up with the shorter boy’s brisk pace. He finally caught up, lightly jogging to keep up with him. Neither said a word. The two walked in tense silence, making their way to the nearby park. Given the cold weather, no kids were playing on the small plastic and metal set. The two had sat on the swings, swaying back and forth.

“Look, I just do not understand why you hate him so much, it wasn’t his fault.”

“He’s dead, Laf. _Dead_ because of him.”

“It was an accident… I know it hurts, but it really was not his fault, mon ami.”

“Quit calling me that.”

“Hercules, I-”

“No! I’m sick and tired of you acting like it didn’t happen! Like I was nothing to you!” Hercules pushed himself off the swing, tears openly running down his face. “...I loved you, Laf. I _still_ love you.”

“Hercules, I just do not feel the same way…” Lafayette stood up, looking at his friend in concern. He gently wiped away the other’s tears, heart twisting with guilt as the Irish boy flinched away from his touch. “I am sorry.” Hercules laughed humorlessly.

“Yeah, you keep saying that," Hercules shook his head. "Is it me, Laf? I’m the only one who can’t hold a relationship. You have Adrienne, Angelica has Church, their _tenth_ anniversary is coming up, Hell, as soon as Alex came he and John were pinning after each other, and now they’re in a fucking beautiful relationship, why… why can’t I have that?” Lafayette frowned. He and Adrienne had broken it off a little while back, deciding that the long distance wasn’t working for either of them. He watched as his friend roughly wiped away his tears. He could never stand it when Hercules cried. So he kissed him.

Nothing was there. No spark. No flame. Hercules didn’t even kiss back. After a few seconds, Hercules pushed the taller man away from him. Lafayette could feel guilt stick to him, making him feel disgusting. It only got worse when he saw the look on his friends face. He was expecting anger, hurt, something. But he just looked lost. Scared. Desperate. Slowly, Hercules stepped towards Lafayette again, their foggy breaths twirling together. “One more night?” He had asked, and God did the Frenchman ever wished that he hadn’t. “Please, let me believe it again for one more night?”

  
Lafayette had never been good at saying no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have an extra... thing, I guess.


	11. God Help and Forgive Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I rewrote this chapter completely and it's way longer. So the same kind of things happened, they just happened differently (plus John isn't just a straight up dick in this one). So you can probably skip this and still have the rest of the story make sense, but I'd suggest reading it anyways.

Lightning flashed across the sky, thunder roaring, crashing like tidal waves. _Alexander needed to get home._ He was sprinting now, clothes soaked, lungs burning, screaming for air. _He’s drowning, oh god he’s fucking drowning._ He was almost there, only five minutes away. _He couldn’t do it, he was going to die out here._ Alexander dove into the closest alleyway.

The alleyways in Virginia were nice, nothing like New York’s. They were finished nicely, clean. Alexander would of taken notice of this if he wasn’t tucking his head between his knees, curling into fetal position against the brick wall. _The hurricane’s coming, he wasn’t supposed to survive._

 

***

 

“Where the fuck is he? School ended _three hours ago!”_ James was angry, scared.

“Maybe he’s at a friend’s house?” Maria offered, keeping her distance. She knew how protective James could be, and when he was like this he could lash out. She didn’t want her husband to blame himself if he had hit her though, so it was better to stay away. James chewed on his thumb nail.

“No, all of his friends are busy on Wednesdays. Besides, he would have told me,” James paced the floor, eyes darting across the room. He picked up a lamp, throwing it against the wall. He was shaking. He wasn’t supposed to and he didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he grew dependent on this kid. Alexander was supposed to just be someone that he could just whore out for extra cash like his wife, but Jesus fuck, _why the Hell isn’t he home yet?_ He heard the front door open. He found the small boy shaking, soaked to the bone and eyes swollen red from crying. As soon as Alexander closed the door James was yelling again. “Where the Hell were you, Alexander? You were supposed to be home hours ago!” James grabbed the boy’s shoulders and pulled him inside, shoving him onto the couch. “Do you have any idea how worried I was? Wipe that damn look off your face, where were you?” Alexander couldn’t control his voice, He couldn’t stop stuttering, trying to form a coherent sentence. He flinched when James grabbed him again. “The fuck is your problem? Speak normally, dammit!”

‘I’m s-sorry, the, the, the storm, I couldn’t!” Alexander choked on his words, letting out a sob. James sighed, relaxing his posture.

‘Maria, clean up the floor. I’m going to help Alexander,” Maria was quick to get the mop from the closet, readily cleaning the floor. James carried Alexander to the bathroom, setting him on the counter. He turned on the shower head, making sure the water was warm. He turned back to Alexander and gently began pulling off the boy’s clothing.

“No, no, no, not again, no more, please James, please,” Alexander was still shaking from the aftermath of his panic and was on the verge of falling into a new one again. James was irritated, he thought Alexander was over what happened over the holidays.

“Alexander, stop whining like a brat. I’m helping you,” Alexander shut up and let the man undress him. He quickly relaxed, melting into the warm hands. James slowly stood him up and helped him into the shower. Alexander was expecting the man to leave after that, but was surprised when instead the man joined him under the warm stream. Alexander wasn’t complaining, after being in the rain for so long he didn’t want to be left alone anywhere near water. He rested his head against the older man’s chest, whimpering in delight when he felt fingers threading through his hair. He was safe. James would protect him.

Alexander slept soundly that night, nestled comfortably between his foster parents. James insisted for him not to sleep alone, saying that he wanted to keep an eye on him. He had also insisted for Alexander to stay home on Thursday, but Alexander would try and convince him in the morning that he was fine to go.

It didn’t work. James was completely adamant on keeping Alexander home, even saying that someone was coming over to watch him. “James, that’s really not necessary, I can just go to school and skip debate today, I’ll go home with you.”

“Not after last night, ‘Lexi. I have a friend coming who owes me a favor, so I’ll know if you try to leave,” Alexander rolled his eyes, but he supposed James had a right to worry. So Alexander said his goodbyes and waited for his foster father’s friend to show up.

 

***

 

It was two hours after James had left that the Devil appeared on his doorstep. _George fucking Frederick._ Alexander wasn’t ten anymore, didn’t belong to this man, but dear God was he scared. Timidly he let the man in, planning escape routes in his head. “Stop that,” Alexander startled. “I can hear you thinking. Now put on the kettle, I want to talk to you over some tea,” Alexander was tempted to spit in the Brit’s face, tell him to make his own damn tea, but James had called this man a friend. _A friend._ So Alexander went to go make tea. Black with one teaspoon of honey, engraved into his memory like a brand from hot iron. His mind was going a mile a minute, racing with questions. _WhyishehereHowdoesJamesknowhimIshegoingtohurtmeWhyisn’thesuprisedI’mhereIshegoingtohurtmeHowishesocalmIshegoingtohurtmeIshegoingtohurtme_ **_Ishegoingtohurtme?_ ** Alexander slowly brought out the man’s drink, trying to still his shaking hands. The Brit sat back comfortably in the arm chair, gesturing for Alexander to leave it on the small table beside him. ‘Alexander, relax.”

“Why are you here?” Alexander blurted out, unable to stop himself.

“To make sure my friend’s son doesn’t bolt, obviously. Sit down and relax, I won't ask you again.” Alexander sat on the couch, staring intently at the man across from him. “So, still scared of a little rain?” Alexander frowned at the man’s taunts. George groaned. “Lighten up, I swear to God you’ve always been a stick in the mud. So, how’s school going?” Alexander stared at him in disbelief. _School?_ “Come on, I’ve done all the talking and quite frankly I don’t feel like monologuing. I’ve had my fun giving you a little scare, so let’s talk like old times,” Alexander complied, easing comfortably into the back and forth of conversation. He remembered why he had liked this man, easy to talk to, made light of things. Easy to trust. _Perfect for a fucking child predator._ Alexander shoved down his thoughts forcefully. This man had changed, he could feel it in his gut. _Too bad his gut had never been trustworthy._

 

Alexander was elated when James came home, he had found himself missing the man, realizing how empty the house felt without him. James shared a few words with his friend and showed him out. “So how do you feel about pizza and a movie tonight, darlin’?” Alexander grinned, nodding. He brought out blankets and pillows as James ordered pizza, setting them on the couch.

“Is Maria coming home?” Alexander asked when the man had hung up. James shook his head muttering something about her work. In less than half an hour the pizza had arrived. The two situated themselves on the couch, eating away while they intently watched the T.V.

Alexander had finished his second slice and was about to reach for his third before James stopped him. “Woah kid, take it easy. That’s enough for tonight, okay?” Alexander looked at him in confusion. “What? You understand, right? I mean, well, you’re starting to get a little chubby, ya know?” Alexander flushed red. James was right, his belly was starting to get bigger and his cheeks had begun to fill out again (this, of course was false. Even though he had the option of food here, he rarely ate. His ribs and shoulder blades still stuck out sharply, his face was still sunken in and his stomach was completely flat). Alexander lowered his hand and sunk back into James’ side, shame sitting heavily on his shoulders.

 

***

 

Alexander was allowed to go to school on Friday. James was a little uncomfortable with it, but had agreed when Alexander told him he had convinced Angelica to let him skip debate so he could drive home with James. When they had pulled up to the school Alexander got out of the car as fast as he could, rushing to see his friends. He grinned at them cheerfully, trying to ignore the space that lingered between Hercules and Lafayette. John was quick to stand and wrap him in a bear hug, shoving his face into his boyfriend's hair. “Hey Doll, how was your day off?” Alexander smiled.

“It was okay. Boring without you, sugar” Alex rolled his eyes when he heard Peggy’s usual gag and went to sit with his boyfriend before the bell rang.

At lunch, Alexander was cornered by Jefferson before he could make it to the roof. “Where were you yesterday?”

“At home, Jefferson. Why do you ask?” Jefferson shrugged.

“Debate was boring without you. Besides, we just started a few days ago, you can’t be bailing out now?” Alexander smiled, knowing that someone missed him.

“No, I’m not quitting just yet.”

“So you’ll be there today, shortie?” Alexander rolled his eyes at the taunt towards his height.

“Sorry, I promised to go home early today. But I’ll be there on Monday for sure,” Thomas frowned but nodded anyways, stepping back to take his leave. Before Alexander turned away, Thomas caught his arm. “Oh, I think you should rethink my offer from Monday. Most people don’t hold my interest this long,” Thomas gave a quick wink and charming grin, letting Alexander on his way again. Alexander turned, immediately seeing John making his way towards him. Alexander met him halfway, letting his boyfriend wrap a protective arm around him.

“What did that prick want?” Alexander shook his head.

“He was just wondering where I was yesterday,” John shot a quick look at the man behind them, narrowing his eyes. Thomas winked at him before turning away, making his own way down the hall.

 

Alexander waved goodbye to Madison as he left the classroom. He smiled to himself. Madison had invited him to meet his girlfriend this weekend, and Alexander was excited. If she was anything like Madison had made her out to be the conversation between the three of them would be incredibly enlightening. As promised, Alexander went home with his foster father. Alexander stared out the his window, frowning at the rain that had begun to spit down. “What’s wrong ‘Lexi?” Alexander looked away from the window.

“It’s nothing, i just don't like rain.’

“Why not?” Alexander decided he could confide in James.

“I’m, well, I’m scared of storms…” James let out a laugh.

“Yeah right, you’re not a little kid. What’s the real reason?” Alexander stiffened. He didn’t want James to think lowly of him, so he let a small laugh fall through his lips

“Hah, no. It just makes everything dreary, I prefer the sun.” James nodded in understanding. Alexander moved his eyes to his lap, keeping silent for the rest of the ride home.

 

Luckily that night a storm didn’t hit. Alexander kept to his room to finish his homework, staying up until well past midnight to finish it all. By three in the morning he had finished, cursing his wandering mind for not being able to focus. He eyed his satchel that hung on the door. He stood up and rooted inside of it. He pulled out a little orange bottle. Great, he only had one pill left. He was supposed to be taking them every night, he knew that, but he hated it. Plus the hoarder in him demanded that he used them as scarcely as possible. He should’ve been out by the first month he was here, but he hadn’t wanted to have the discussion of letting him more. He still doesn’t want to, and he realized by displaying the conversation he had only made thing harder on himself. He groaned and put the bottle back. He went back to his desk and sat, picking up his phone. He quickly punched in a number he knew by heart and hit call.

“Hello Alexander.”

“Hi Aaron.” the boy on the other end of the line went quiet for a second.

“Do you need something?” it was Alexander’s turn to pause.

“I can’t sleep.”

“I figured. What do you want me to do?”

“Can you just talk to me?” Alexander made his way to bed, turning off his light, not bothering with his clothes. He smiled when he heard a small laugh crackle through the phone.

“Usually you’re the one who does the talking,” Alexander let out a giggle. “Okay, you’re in bed?” Alexander breathed out a yes. “Good, so there was...” Alexander closed his eyes, letting his friend’s voice fill his head as he drifted slowly to sleep.

 

Alexander blinked blearily. It was six in the morning so he decided to get up, getting ready to meet Madison and his girlfriend at noon. He dressed up a little more nicely than usual so he wouldn’t embarrass his friend and groomed himself nicely. He sent a quick good morning text to John and made his way to the living room. He was surprised to see James awake. “Hey, why are you up?”

“I could ask the same for you. Who were you talking to at three in the damn morning?” Alexander blushed and sat beside James.

“Sorry, that was my friend Aaron. I couldn’t sleep and he used to help when i was still in New York,” James raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, sleeping seems to be a problem for you, huh?” Alexander nodded bashfully. “Do you need medication for that?”

“No. Well, yes, but I don’t need it, I’m fine without it.”

“Don’t keep things like that from me, okay Alexander?” Alex winced at the use of his full name. “We can go get you some later today, but I’m going to be the one that gives it to you, okay? That way you don’t have to remember,” Alexander smiled gratefully at James and nodded, going to go put on coffee for the two of them. “Say, where are you going dressed like that darlin’?”

“Oh! I’m going to meet Madison and his girlfriend at noon today, is that okay?” James nodded and kissed Alexander's temple as he stood behind him to grab some mugs.

“That’s fine, just be home for five.” Alexander nodded, figuring that he’d be home before then since they were just meeting at the near by coffee shop for something to drink. “Oh, and Fred is going to come watch over you on Sunday, okay?” Alexander sagged a little. He didn’t need a babysitter, but he nodded anyways, not wanting to fight about it. The coffee finished brewing and Alexander poured some into each mug, handing one to James. Alexander gave the man a small smile over the ceramic edge, bringing the mug to his lips. Today was going to be good.

 

Alexander walked into the small coffee shop, quickly seeing his friend and who must be his girlfriend sitting across from him in a booth. He made his way over and saw that Madison had a hearing aid in. _He didn’t have that before, did he?_ Alexander sat next to James and held his hand out to the girl in front of him. “You must be Dolly. I’m Alexander Hamilton, a pleasure to meet you.”

“Charmed,” The girl replied, a smirk playing on her lips. Alexander grinned, knowing he was going to like her already. Madison piped up.

“It’s great to see you, Alexander,” Alexander was a shocked but didn’t show it. James only had a slight lisp, his voice was otherwise completely clear and held with confidence. It was the first time Alexander heard the boy's voice and it was incredible.

“You just saw me yesterday Madison,” Alexander smirked. “And when’d you get those?” James chuckled and let Dolley respond for him.

“He got them this morning, he forgot his last pair in France.” _In France?_ James saw his confusion.

“With Thomas. I suppose we both forgot to tell you, but we’re close friends.” Alexander nodded and smiled.

“You were on a vacation in the country of love with Jefferson?” Alexander turned to Dolley. “Were you worried at all that your man would be whisked away unexpectedly by his closest friend?” Dolley snorted as James glared playfully at the two of them.

“No way, he’s the straightest man I’ve ever met, even straighter than I am.”

“Dolley, you’re bi.” Alexander laughed at the scowl Dolley gave her boyfriend, musing over how well the two of them went together. Before they could resume conversation, the waiter came by, setting four drinks on the table. Alexander smiled when he realized James remembered his coffee order, black with one sug- wait four?

“Is someone else joining us?” Alexander asked curiously.

“Oh, yes, Thomas is coming. That’s fine, right? You two aren’t secretly arch enemies?” Dolley replied. Alexander shook his head with a smile.

“There’s no way they could be enemies with how much Thomas talks about him,” James said flicking his hand dismissively. Alexander felt heat rise to his cheeks. _Thomas talks about him?_ Suddenly Jefferson walked through the door. He walked over quickly, curls bouncing with each step. Dolley moved closer to the wall so Thomas could sit. He smiled politely at Madison and Dolley, but had grinned brightly at Alexander. Alexander’s blush darkened, as he gave a small grin back. He took a double take when he thought John at the front window, but whoever it was had walked away before Alexander could see.

“What’d I miss?” Thomas asked, practically glowing.  


 

When Alexander got home he practically fell onto the couch. He was happy with the way things went. He had gotten to know each of the three better and he felt accepted into their group. It was nice, different from what his other friends were like but not any less fun or interesting. Alexander pulled out his phone, realizing he had forgotten to check his phone the entire time he was out. He only had a few texts from John to which he had responded to with a quick apology stating that he was busy. Alexander didn’t receive a text back that night and chalked it up to his boyfriend having other things to do. James had filled his prescription earlier that day, and was sure to tell Alexander that he was the only one allowed to touch the medicine. Alexander promised not to touch the medicine before James gave him one, sending him off to bed.

 

Sunday rolled around quickly. James and Maria were out and when Alexander woke up, and Fredrick was already there. He came down in his onesie, ignoring the older man’s laughter. He poured himself a cup of coffee. George had made himself comfortable in the living room with a tea in one hand and a book in the other. Alexander was going to sneak back into his room, but George had called him out to the living room. He sat on the opposite side of the couch, crossing his leg. “That outfit is adorable, Alexander. Where did you get it?” Alexander smiled.

“It was a gift from Christmas, my friend got it for me. Lafayette? The one I told you about on Thursday?” George nodded. Alexander finished his coffee, chugging it quickly so he could go back to talking. After about ten minutes Alexander’s brain was getting foggy. He had slept well last night thanks to the medicine. Maybe it was just still in effect? George had moved to sit closer to Alexander. Alexander tried to stand, mumbling about going back to bed but George pulled him back down.

“Sorry baby boy, I just couldn’t stop thinking about how nice you looked on Thursday, and then you came down in that and I couldn’t help myself. You understand that it’s you own fault, right Alexander?” Alex nodded slowly. _He was so tired._ “Also, I took the liberty of using those pills, I hope you don’t mind. Alexander looked to the coffee table staring at the little orange bottle. He felt a warm hand on his side. _So tired._ “That’s okay baby boy, go ahead and sleep. Daddy will get you back to your room before you wake up, don’t worry.” Alexander tried to squirm away from the hand cupping his limp cock but couldn’t. Distantly he felt lips on his neck. Alexander slipped unconscious.

 

Alexander woke up, blinking blearily. When’d he get to bed? Why was it dark out? He groggily turned into the voices filtering in from the living room.

“I’m so sorry James, if I had known I wouldn’t of let him have them.”

“It’s not your fault George, don’t blame yourself. He shouldn’t of manipulated you like that. I’ll speak to him when he wakes up. Here, I’ll see you out,” Alexander’s head was throbbing. _Why did his ass hurt?_ He stumbled to the bathroom, blinking blearily at the mirror. Bruises covered his neck and collarbone and his lips were swollen. He was to drugged out to piece things together, so he stumbled back to bed, curling up under the covers. He heard someone come in and leave. Good, he couldn’t talk right now, so he fell back asleep.

  


The morning was cruel to Alexander. Everything hurt, his body was screaming in pain. Slowly he tried piecing together what had happened. Fredrick… he should have expected it. He should have and that was all there was to it. It was his own damn fault. He should’ve done something different. He didn’t want to think about it. He tried getting up, but a hand pushed him back down. “You’re staying home today, Alexander.” Alex let out a groan. “Shut up you fucking brat or I swear to god I’ll gag you.” Alexander was fully awake now. He stared up at James. “You’re lucky I have to leave now. I’ll talk to you when I get home. Alexander felt his heart drop. “No, he’s not coming again. I know what he did. If I could think you’d be able to move at all today, I’d chain you to your fucking bed. Lucky you, you get to stay in drugged out bliss until I get back,” Alexander let his eyes slip back shut. Fuck, he felt awful. He didn’t know how long he stayed there in the exact same position, but eventually he was able to grab his phone to check it. The only thing he was able to read before his hand dropped back to his side was from John.

**_I’m coming over._ ** And it wasn’t long until he was.

Alexander heard his door click open and with some difficulty, he managed to sit up. “So what’s this?” Alexander smiled to hear John’s voice. His head started to clear. He He grabbed his glasses from beside his pillow and focused on John. _Why was he upset?_

“John, are you okay?” John laughed humorlessly.

“Okay? Yeah, no, I’m great! I just found out my boyfriend was _cheating on me!”_

“John, what are you talking about?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, _Hamilton._ I fucking saw you on Saturday with Thomas. Did you have a good date?”

“No, John, that wasn’t-”

“That’s why you weren't answering me yesterday too, wasn’t it? You were _fucking that dick bag_ while I was at home trying to convince myself that _you still loved me!”_ Alexander flinched.

“John, no, I love you, let me, please let me-” Alexander scrambled to stand, but ended up falling off of his bed. John was almost out of the front door now, Alexander rushed to him, grabbing his arm. “No john you don’t understand, I-” John tore his arm away.

“No Alexander. We’re done. Fuck you, you bastard, son of a whore.” John slammed the door and Alexander stumbled back, falling against the wall. _He had to go, get John, he doesn’t understand, that’s not what happened, he,_ Alexander gagged, collapsed onto his forearms and knees and heaved, spilling stomach acid all over the floor.

 

Alexander was still cleaning when James had gotten home. James immediately picked him up and carried him to the bathroom. He grabbed a cloth and roughly wiped the spew off the boy’s face and yanked his shirt off him, throwing it into the hamper. “I swear to god Alexander you’re fucking useless. You’d be fucking dead without me,” Alexander nodded, tears streaming down his face. He fucked up so badly, he couldn’t do anything right. James sighed, muttering about how he’ll get Maria to clean up the rest. He carried Alexander to the master bedroom, watching over the boy until he fell asleep. _God help and forgive him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, much better than what I had before.
> 
> Also, I don't know if this is gonna work out since I've never used tumblr before, but you can scream at me more directly at http://jean-bean.tumblr.com/
> 
> (P.S I was checking to see if it could rain in February in Virginia and it can??? Their Februaries are 10 degrees Celsius / 50 degrees Fahrenheit while the ones where I live are -10 degrees C / 5 degrees F???)


	12. Is That a Yes?

Lafayette stared at the sobbing boy on his doorstep, fat tears rolling down his freckled face. Lafayette ushered him inside, sitting him down onto the couch and holding him close to his chest. Slowly, he swayed back and forth.  _ What happened?  _ John was a mess, and throughout the ten years Lafayette had known him, he had never looked this bad. “Shh, shh ma petit, what is wrong?” Lafayette cringed when he felt tears begin to soak through his shirt.  _ Who hurt his John?  _

“H-He,” Laurens let out a hiccuping sob. Since when was he ever this emotional? “He  _ cheated _ on me! Then, then he fucking  _ lied to my face,  _ saying that he didn’t! I saw him, Laf! I saw him!” John curled closer to his French friend, seeking some kind of comfort. A warm hand found it’s way onto his back slowly rubbing soothing circles.  _ But it wasn’t how Alexander did it. _

“Mon ami, I am sure you are just jumping to conclusions,” John pushed away. 

“But I  _ saw _ him! He was on a fucking date with Jefferson, doesn’t text me for almost two whole days, then when I come to check on him, scared that he was hurt, and he’s fucking blissed out in bed covered in fucking hickeys!” No, that didn’t sound like Alexander. He was too sweet, he would never cheat on someone. Lafayette frowned. He’d grown so close to Alexander over these past months, close enough for it to feel like he’s known the other boy for his whole life, but he hasn’t even known him for a year. He doesn’t know anything about his past except that he was from the caribbean and his mother had died, that was  _ it.  _ He doesn’t know Alexander, he realizes. But he knows John. He gently reached out towards the boy, feeling bad as he flinched away, obviously embarrassed for showing so much emotion. For not being manly enough. Lafayette sighed.

“Let us get you some tea, oui?” John looked up at him with a small melancholy smile. Lafayette always knew what to do.

“I trust you mon ami, I hate to say it, but I trust you more than Alexander. But Thomas, he  _ knows  _ you two were dating,” John scowls, taking a small sip from his mug.

“Didn’t stop Thomas from asking him out  _ multiple _ times, twice of which were in front of me, might I add” Lafayette leaned on his friend.

“Sure, Thomas is, how you say,  _ determined,  _ but he would not go behind anyone’s back like that. He is a lot, uh, up-front about these things. If he did, um, sleep with Alexander, which I doubt he did, everyone would know by now. Plus, Alexander said no to him, each and every time,” John huffed, not really believing his friend. John looked out the window, staring up at the stars.

“I don’t know what’s going on…” He admitted softly. Lafayette nodded in agreement.

 

***

 

Alexander stared at himself in the mirror. Guilt ate away at his insides, leaving him hollow.  _ How could he do that to John?  _ He stared at the violent bruises left on his skin. Had he wanted it? His logic had reasoned that he was drugged out, not even conscious for the majority of it, but something told him that he had secretly wanted it, that he had longed for the familiarity of the man. He could feel bile rising in his throat again but he pushed it down. If James heard him he’d be forced to take another day off of school and he hadn’t gone today or Monday. Fuck, school. He’d see John. What would he say? If he told them the truth, they’d tell someone and he’d be placed elsewhere. He didn’t want to be taken away, this was the only place he had ever made friends. He jumped when he heard a knock on the door.

“Alex, honey, are you in there?” It was Maria. He unlocked the door for her. She slipped in, holding a bleeding nose. Alexander quickly grabbed a wad of toilet paper, handing it to her. “Thank you,” Came her muffled reply.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Maria nodded, wincing at the movement.

“Knocked my damn head against a door frame,” She said, frowning. Alexander took out some pain medication and filled the glass by the sink with water, offering both to her. She set down the bloody paper and took it gratefully as Alexander handed her more tissue.

“Did you really hit your head?” he asked timidly. Maria nodded and smiled, letting a small curse fall from her lips. She mopped up the rest of the blood and flushed the blood soaked paper down the toilet. Maria got a good look at Alexander and frowned. 

“I told him not to trust that fucker..” She whispered, ghosting her hand over Alexander’s neck, retracting when he flinched. “You should stay home until those heal…”

“No! I mean, no,” Alexander lowered his voice, wincing at the harshness of it. “I can’t keep missing school.”

“ What are you going to tell them? Oh, I’ll help you cover them up in the morning,” Alexander nodded, biting his lip. John already saw. He knew what a whore he was. He thought it was Jefferson. Maybe he could keep it that way didn’t have to leave everything behind, even if it meant losing his first group of friends. He still had Thomas, James and Dolley. They’d understand. He helped Maria finish cleaning up then trudged to bed. He had been asleep for the majority of the past few days, but he still felt exhausted. He laid in bed, tossing and turning for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, he grabbed his phone and turned it on, squinting at the screen. His finger hovered over John’s contact.  _ He can’t know.  _ Alexander clicked on Thomas’s contact instead. “Hello, Alexander,” Alexander relaxed into his mattress, wondering how a voice so tired could still sound as smooth as it did. “Did you need something? I’m always willing to help out, you know that.”

“I know,” whispered Alexander, clutching his phone with white knuckles. He couldn’t believe what he was about to do. “Can you do me a favor?” Thomas let out a chuckle, deep and inviting.

“Sure can. Now, what do you need angel?” Alexander tried not to blush at the affection. His heart still belonged to John.  _ They were split up.  _ The reality of it all crashed down on Alexander like a tonne of bricks. Alexander let out a small whimper, praying to God Jefferson didn’t take it the wrong way. His prayers went unanswered. “Oh? So that’s what  you wanted, huh, beautiful? What, is Johnny asleep?” Alexander’s face burned.

“No!” Alexander immediately hushed his voice, praying to God he didn’t wake anyone up. “No, I, I don’t-”

“There’s nothing wrong with a little phone-sex, Alexander.”

“Ugh, shut up you insufferable brat,” Thomas chuckled.

“You still love me,” Alexander found himself smiling in spite of how torn he felt.

“Shush, let me talk,” “Thomas waited patiently. “I need a favor.”

“Go on, you usually take a shorter amount of time to make your point,” Alexander sighed.

“Something happened. I don’t, well, I can’t share, but I need you to pretend that I cheated on John with you.” Thomas paused for a second

“So that’s why Lafayette avoided me today,”  _ What?  _ “John thinks you cheated on him with me. Relax, I can smell your fear through the phone. None of you friends seem to hate either of us. Yet. I think they’re waiting to confront us together,” Alexander gulped.

“So, is that a yes?”

“Yes,” Thomas replied confidently. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Alexander,”

“Thank you Thomas. Good night.”

“Good night Beautiful,” Alexander hung up. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, not wanting to think about tomorrow. He could hear Burr’s voice in the back of his head, chastising him.  _ What the Hell was he doing? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was shorter than I wanted it to be, sorry.


	13. Selflessly Selfish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this was so late, I stopped writing for a day but then I couldn't get back on track. Thank you for being patient!

Alexander could feel his heart pound inside his chest. _Fuck, he should just tell them the truth._ He felt sick. He was being selfish. _He doesn’t want to be moved again._ Alexander mumbled a goodbye to James and stepped out of the car. He could see his friends watching him. _He had always hated lying._ He took a tentative step towards them, but was stopped when a broad chest blocked his way. He looked up at Jefferson, his curls as wild as ever. “Hi Thomas.”

“Hello, Alexander,” Thomas purred. Alexander was nervous, fidgeting as he glanced over at his friends. John wouldn’t look at him. _He should’ve expected that._ The rest were though, the looks he was receiving ranged from confusion to anger to- his eyes settled on Lafayette. _Pity._ Alexander almost snarled. He gave them each one last look before turning to head inside, Thomas beside him. Alexander didn’t notice the smirk the taller man shot over his shoulder.

 

Alexander waded through the students. Well, Thomas did since he was far taller than the Caribbean. He struggled to keep up but when the crowd started to thin out, Alexander resumed lead. He looked around a bit, he wanted to be away from all the other kids. His head was pounding and his heart was catching in his throat. Thank God, the English hall was empty. Alexander leaned his head against the wall. Slowly, he craned his neck back before snapping it forward, slamming his head against the cement. The contact left a loud _crack!_ reverberating through the hall. Alexander felt dizzy. He could hear Aaron in the back of his mind. _No, Alexander, that’s not going to help anyth-_ Alexander threw his head back and then forward again. He was suddenly spun around and was being slammed back against the wall, though a hand protected Alexander’s head from any contact with the cement. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you, but if you’d rather cheat on your boyfriend than tell him the truth it must be something serious. But no matter how bad what you’re hiding is, smacking your head against the wall is not going to help or solve anything.” Alexander couldn’t look Thomas in the eyes, his stare was far too intense.

“Pretend…” Alexander mumbled out, looking at his feet. He could practically hear Jefferson raise an eyebrow. “ _Pretend_ to cheat on him,” Alexander defended. He decided that it made him feel better if said pretend. Like it’s not real. Like he’s not fucked up. _Like he didn’t dream about Fredrick and had to take a cold shower in the morning._ Thomas leaned close to Alexander, placing the hand that was cradling the boy’s head underneath his chin and lifting his face. Thomas worked his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyelids drooping slightly as his eyes trailed from Alexander’s eyes to his plump lips.

“Sure angel. You didn’t cheat on him if that makes you feel better. But you wouldn’t be cheating on him now,” Thomas leaned closer, his breath hot on Alexander’s lips. “If you just said yes.”

Alexander pushed Jefferson away gently, not noticing the two people who watched from just outside of the hall. “I’m sorry, this, this was a mistake, I shouldn’t have…” Alexander backed away, his fingers twitching before wrapping themselves around the cuffs of his sweater. Thomas looked dejected. _Why can’t he stop hurting the people closest to him?_ “I’ll see you at lunch?” Thomas perked up and smiled sweetly, looking less upset as he nodded quickly in affirmation. He let his eyes wander over Alexander as he retreated into his classroom.

Alexander took a seat just as the bell rang, fumbling with his hair so that it would hang over his bruising forehead. He regretted that he chose for his seat to be between his two friends, but nothing could be changed now. When the two walked in, Hercules looked like he was practically boiling with anger while Lafayette could only manage a weepy expression. Just before he could get chewed out by the obviously protective bear of a man, the second bell rang and the teacher took control of the classroom.

 

Angelica was stony all through math, and the longer Alexander saw her with the expression, the more he wanted to curl up and die. _The more he wanted to tell her the truth_. But when lunch rolled around he bolted from the classroom, praying that she wouldn’t follow him. He made his way to the back of the school to the small garden where he had been invited so many times before. He relaxed to see Jefferson and Madison already there. He quickly moved to sit with them, softly smiling at Thomas’s grin. James stared at Alexander. “You’re an idiot,” Alexander blinked and glanced at Thomas.

“I told him,” Thomas confessed. Alexander groaned loudly.

“ _Why?”_

“Because us two are _probably_ gonna get chewed out and he deserves to know why,” James nodded, adjusting his new hearing aid.

“This is stupid, Alexander. Why the hell are you lying about this? Why do you want to look like the bad guy?” Alexander frowned. _He doesn’t want to lose what he has here._

“Because I’m selfish and he deserves better,” James rolled his eyes but decided to take the painfully vague answer. Alexander turned his head away just in time to see three angry figures stalking towards the three of them. Hercules, Peggy and Angelica. Fuck.

They stopped in front of the three boys, glares sharp. Alexander stared back, regret shining in his eyes. Sure he was going to lie to look like a dick, but didn’t want to actually be a dick. “Can you leave, James?” Hercules growled. He didn’t even glance at who he was addressing, his eyes firmly fixed on Alexander. He shouldn’t of been surprised at Hercules’ protective nature considering that he had seen it before, but when his usually cheerful demeanor was completely wiped away, the tank of a man can be terrifying. Alexander swallowed.

“Sorry, but I’d like to stay. I want to make sure that my friends don’t get hurt. Peggy stared at him incredulously.

“So that _they_ don’t get hurt? _”_ James nodded.

“Yes, is there a problem?”

“A problem?” Hercules practically roared, his anger rising. “The _problem,_ Madison, is that your ‘friends’ practically _destroyed_ mine!” Alexander flinched. Of course he wasn’t considered a friend anymore. _He’s ruining everything._ Alexander stood up, willing his knees to stop shaking.

“Don’t shout at him, Hercules,” He’s able to keep his voice steady, but his panic rising rapidly. Alexander glanced at Angelica. She doesn’t look mad. _Why doesn’t she look mad?_ Hercules growled and grabbed Alexander's collar.

“He fucking trusted you Alexander! And you fucking _ruined him!”_ Thomas stood up, pulling Alexander back to him. Alexander hissed out his name in warning. Thomas ignored him.

“John seemed perfectly fine yesterday.” Thomas said coolly. "Laughing and everything, he looked like he was already over it." _Wait, did John really not care?_ Alexander stood his ground in front of Thomas as Peggy stormed up to them.

“Peggy, please don’t, it’s not worth getting in trouble for-” Peggy shoved Alexander out of the way and stepped up to Thomas.

“I swear to God I’ll fucking _kill_ you, you insensitive prick!” Peggy stood toe to toe with Thomas, seething in anger. Hercules stepped back, confident in her while Angelica hissed out her name, a plead for her not to make things worse for herself.

“Really now, tranny?” Alexander let out a small gasp. _What the fuck did he just say?_ Peggy was about to lunge, but Angelica was quick to intervene.

“Peggy, don’t. Thomas, keep your mouth _shut_ , this doesn’t concern you,” Thomas smirked. Peggy had stepped a few feet back, eyes welling with angry tears. Hercules glared at Thomas but didn’t do much else. The boy was practically indestructible, sure they could beat him to a pulp, but the repercussions were far from worth it. Anyone who had any sense of self preservation wouldn’t ever land a blow on him. Alexander wasn’t one of those people.

Alexander’s fist connected with the tall boy’s jaw, his vision blurring red. Thomas stumbled back a few steps, eyes wide with shock as he licked a small amount of blood from his lip. _“Don’t you ever call someone that again,”_ Alexander had never been looked at as threatening, still wasn’t, but there was a very thin line between him being upset and him being absolutely livid, and Jefferson had just leaped over it. His lips were pulled up into a snarl, but he slowly relaxed back and turned to the shocked three in front of him. “Tell John I’m sorry,” He whispered. He pushed past them and made his way inside. He was quick to make his way into the washroom and lock a stall behind him.

_He punched Thomas Jefferson, holy shit._ His chest heaved up and down. Thomas hated him, he was going to get Alexander moved anyways, he lied for nothing. Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck._ A knock sounded on the stall door. He whimpered in response. “Alexander, it’s James. Come on, Thomas isn’t mad. Unlock the door” Alexander held his panic at bay, just enough to get his breathing under control and to unlock the stall door. James pulled it open, frowning at the boy on the floor. He pulled out a notepad from his back pocket and wrote. **_“Thomas isn’t mad, he wants to apologize. Come back out, the others are gone”_ ** Alexander smiled softly at his friend’s outstretched hand, remembering when they were in reverse positions a week ago. Damn, only a week? This semester wasn’t going well. He grabbed onto James, and with his help was lifted to his feet.

He followed James back out, listening to his friend muttering about how avoidable and stupid the whole situation was. Alexander could only laugh lightly. It didn’t feel real. It felt like he was watching a show in first person, as if he wasn’t really himself. When they go back, Thomas was quick to stand. “I’m so sorry angel, I shouldn’t of said that, I was out of line,” Alexander looked up at him in concern.

“I’m sorry for punching, then, uh, running off. That wasn’t really… smart. Or nice, and I-” Thomas cut him off.

“It’s okay beautiful, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” Alexander relaxed and gently touched Thomas’s jaw.

“Does it hurt at all?” Thomas shook his head, leaning into Alexander’s touch.

“If I knew you two were going to be like this, I wouldn’t of brought Alexander back out,” James groaned. Alexander blushed and took a step away from Jefferson as the taller man smirked.

“Let’s just finish lunch, dammit.” Alexander grouched, exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions he had been through that day.

 

John hadn’t been in World Issues. Alexander frowned as he began to pack up from Debate Club. _For the best, this is the best for both of them._ He squashed the tiny voice that was screaming otherwise. At lunch Thomas had convinced him that it would be more convincing if Alexander allowed him to brag about it. So Alexander let him. At least half of the school must know by now, the entire debate team certainly did. He received both looks of disgust and approval. He didn’t want to think about it. He slung his bag over his shoulder after everyone had filed out. Jefferson waited by the door for him. He hurried over, but stopped when Angelica grabbed his arm. She spun him to face her. “I have no clue what’s going on with you Alexander Hamilton, but I’m calling bullshit,” Alexander blinked, eyes wide. “You couldn’t of cheated on John. You both were so happy together. Besides, my sister trusted you, she wouldn’t of trusted a cheater” Alexander pulled his arm away.

“Did she tell you about Lee?” Angelica pursed her lips together, her eyes pleading, confirmation that she knew. “Yeah, your sister didn’t have a good sense of character. Every fucking day that dickbag she called her boyfriend made her feel like shit. He _hit her_ but no, he just bought her a new dress, so it’s fine.” Alexander felt the rage from well over a year ago fill him.

 

_“You deserve so much better, Eliza!” Alexander screamed at her. Her mother wasn’t home, so the rest of the house had been dead quiet._

_“He’s perfect for me, Alexander! What do you propose? We can run off together and be perfectly happy?” Alexander shut his mouth, locking it into place. His previous romantic interest had melted into somewhat of a sibling bond, but the memories of rejection still hurt._

_“At least I wouldn’t hit you then make it up with some useless piece of junk, you brainless fuck!” Alexander snapped at her._

_“Oh, I’m the one who’s brainless? What about George, huh?”_

_“George was different!”_

_“You were ten!”_

_“Quit making this about me, Eliza!”_

_“I thought everything was about you, Alexander. That’s why you want me to leave him, huh? Because you’re selfish!” Eliza had tears running freely down her face. Her words rung through the empty house, leaving a heavy silence between the two friends. “I’m, I’m sorry Alexander, I just, I-” Alexander brought the weeping girl to his chest._

_“Shh, shh, I’m sorry to, ‘Liz. I just want you to be happy.”_

_“I know. Thank you,” she choked out. Alexander held her closer, wishing silently that Charles Lee would burn._

 

Alexander shook his head, ridding himself of the painful memory. “Did you tell him I was sorry?”

“You have to do that yourself Alexander. Or you could tell us all the truth..?” Angelica’s face went soft, a motherly expression adorning her features.

“There’s no other truth to tell, Angelica…” Alexander sighed.

“Fine.” Angelica stepped away. “The rest of the group doesn’t want to talk to you, anything to even do with you, but Lafayette and I… we’re willing to talk when you're ready.” Alexander gave her a sad smile. “Oh, and thank you for standing up for my sister.” Alexander nodded stiffly and walked over to Jefferson, looking over his shoulder at Angelica one last time.

“Hey, look, about lunch,” Thomas started. Alexander didn’t let him finish.

“You know Lafayette’s trans too, right?” Thomas freezes before nodding.

“I don’t, I don’t actually have anything against trans people, I just, I didn’t want all of the attention on you,” Jefferson admits. Alexander was still angry with him, ready to hold a grudge, but he’d let it go. For now.

“It’s still not okay, Thomas,” The taller boy seemed to shrink in on himself, making Alexander immediately regretted his sharp tone. “But how about we just don’t bring it up anymore, okay?” Thomas seemed pleased enough by the notion. Jefferson walked him to his stepfather's classroom and bid him goodbye. Alexander let out a soft sigh, the day weighing heavily on his shoulders. He walked into the classroom, shutting the door behind him.

James sat at his desk, continuing to type away at his laptop. James had always been ready before Alexander, so he wasn't sure what to do. As quietly as he could he made his way to the closest desk to him and with a small hop sat on top of it, his knees spread apart. He looked over at the closed curtains of the room, enjoying how the sunlight filtered through. James closed his laptop, and without looking at Alexander, he spoke. “So you’re pretending to cheat on him? That’s pretty fucking stupid,” Alexander sighed.

“So everyone's been telling me. But it’s better like this, I guess.”

“Hey, look, I’m glad you’ve finally come to your senses and are getting rid of that kid, but you should've said something else instead of making a huge mess of things. Why didn’t you?” Alexander stuttered, unable to think of a convincing lie. _Fuck, John should've never been over in the first place, that was one of the rules from the very start._

 

_“No one’s allowed over when I’m not home, okay ‘Lexi?” Alexander nodded, a soft smile gracing his features. The rules were so easy here, simple to follow, hard to break. It’s not like he’d have many friends anyways_.

 

“Besides, it’s not like anyone could of made any assumptions you couldn’t of brushed off as rumors,” James strolled over to Alexander, looming over him. “I mean, You covered up the hickies, right?” James trailed his fingers over Alexander's neck, causing the small boy to shiver. James stepped closer so that he was standing between Alexander’s legs. “Unless if someone saw them anyways? But when could they have? No one was over when I was home Alexander,” James’ voice was low. Alexander gulped.

“J-John, he, uh, he came over. On, um, on Monday and, he, uh, he saw them, but I didn’t, I didn’t let him in, I promise,” Alexander defended, craning his neck to see the man’s face. James bent down so he was level with Alexander. His hand wandered to the base of the boy’s head and grabbed a fistful of hair. Alexander let out a whimper, tears pricking his eyes. _Oh no, he broke a rule, this was bad, this was bad._ James gently kissed his nose.

“Promise?” Alexander opened his mouth to reply. James was quick to shush him. “If you open that damn mouth of yours I‘m certain it’s not going to be just a yes or no answer. So? Do you promise?” Alexander nodded, wincing as his hair was tugged with each movement. “ _Liar”_ James hissed out.

Alexander was soon on the floor, wincing at the contact. James growled for him to stand. Alexander stumbled to his feet, tripping back a few steps. James grabbed both of their bags in one hand and Alexander’s wrist in the other, dragging him to the car. Alexander was quick to get in, his mind was racing with fear. _But he wasn’t lying._ James got into the car, slamming the door behind him. His anger was cold, his grip tight on the steering wheel. “I have no fucing clue why I put up with you, I should just hand you off to Martha. Say you were causing too much trouble, get her to ship you off somewhere else. I mean Jesus fuck Alexander, even the fucking teachers are talking about it!” James hit the steering wheel. “Are you so fucking selfish that you don’t even _think_ about how each time you fuck up you’re making _me_ look bad!?” Alexander felt light headed. _He didn’t even think about that._

“No, no, I didn’t lie. I wasn’t lying James, please don't send me away, please that’s why I’m doing thi-”

“Shut up, Alexander!” Alex flinched away, huddling close to the window. James sighed, upset at the boy’s wounded expression. “I’ll ask you questions, keep your answers short, or I swear you won't like what happens.” Alexander was quick to nod. “ You said ‘that’s why I’m doing this’. Doing what?”

“Lying about cheating.”

“And you’d be sent away if someone found out about what happened?” Alexander nodded. “Why?”

“Because if people found out they’d contact child services.”

“...and?”

“...They might blame you…” James laughed, loud and sharp as he pulled into the driveway.

“So you think you’re protecting me?” Alexander nodded. “That’s fucking adorable. Go inside, leave your bag and wait on the couch,” Alexander opened his mouth. “Don’t say anything, just go the fuck inside Alexander.”

Alexander was quick to obey, rushing inside. He sat on the couch, anxiously tapping his foot as James made his way in after him. He had never really been in trouble with James before. Well, he had been in trouble but James was never actually angry with him, he just showed his concern aggressively. James called him to his room and Alexander’s heart sank. _He was in so much trouble._ He made his way to the master bedroom. _He didn’t like being in here._ “So,”James started. “What’s one of the first rules I told you?”

“No one is allowed over unless if you’re here,” Alexander answered softly. James barked at him to speak louder, so he repeated himself.

“And what rule did you break?”

“That one…”

“Which is?”

“Not to have anyone over unless if you’re home.”

“Which is?” James was sounding more and more irritated.

“One of the first, and most important rules.” James nodded.

“Sit on the bed.” When Alexander hesitated James had grabbed his wrist and pushed him onto the mattress.

“James, I’m sorry, please don-” a loud crack interrupted him. He could feel his cheek begin to swell. _James just hit him_.

“If I hear another word from you, I’m gagging you for the rest of the night,” Alexander whimpered. “What the fuck did I just say!?” Alexander’ heart was slamming full force against his chest. He let out a sob.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry James! Please stop, I didn’t-” James groaned loudly, turning away from the sobbing mess on his bed. He opened his wardrobe and from a box pulled out a ball gag. When Alexander saw it he immediately stop talking, but his small sobs continued. James walked back over to him.

“Hush darlin’. This is punishment, it’s your own damn fault. Now open your mouth,” Alexander’s jaw stayed locked. James grabbed his hair roughly and Alexander let out a shuddering gasp as his hands flew up to try and ease James’ firm grip from his hair. James shoved the gag into the boy’s mouth and buckled it behind his head in one fluent motion. He grabbed the boy’s slender wrists and forced his arms behind his back. “Oh, look at you..” James whispered, his voice dripping with adoration. He stared at the face before him. The boy’s were lips stretched wide, the top one cracked and bleeding as tears leaked from swollen eyes. God, it was beautiful. James wrapped his free hand around the boy’s neck, watching and feeling the muscles twitch and spasm. Alexander felt like he was dying. His jaw was already beginning to hurt, and his sobs hadn’t subsided at all, causing him to choke harder around the gag. With the hand around his throat, the quick and shallow breaths he had been taking though his nose stopped. He thrashed and bucked, hoping to get away. Drool had begun to dribble down his chin. James shoved him farther onto the bed as he quickly stepped away, tearing himself from Alexander.

James admired the paleness of the Caribbean for a few seconds. He ears rung after the sudden rush he had. The high had been amazing, and as he was calming down he immediately craved it again. Alexander was still making much more noise than he’d like. He actually found the wet, gasping noises to be disgusting, so after pinning the boy down again he removed the gag. Alexander gasped for air, coughing a few times as his back ached. He was dizzy. His breaths were sharp and sporadic as he gazed up wildly at the man on top of him. James looked starved. “Punishment…” James panted out. Apparently Alexander wasn’t the only one having trouble breathing. Alexander licked his lips, cringing at the tang of blood. “What do you say? I took off the gag, didn’t I sweetheart? What do you say when someone does something for you?’

“Th-Thank you…” Alexander rasped out. James looked incredibly pleased.

“Good boy.” James released Alexander’s hands, shivering happily when he saw bruises already being made on the other’s skin. James knew he needed to calm down before he accidentally killed the kid, so he got off of him. “Stay here, I’ll be back.” Alexander nodded rapidly and James left, closing the door. Alexander sunk back into the mattress as his heart began to beat faster and faster. _He needed to calm down._ He looked around, paying attention to the voice in his head. _Five things you can see._ Alexander hummed, the voice was soothing. It sounded like Burr. he could see the window, the blankets, the bathroom, the tree outside and the wardrobe. _Four things you can feel._ His sweat running down his back, his saliva cooling, his head pounding and his hair tickling his neck. _Very good, three things you can hear?_ Birds chirping, his heart beat, and James in the kitchen. _What was he doing in the kitchen? What was in the kitchen? Knives. Knives? Oh no. He’s going to kill him, fuck, oh no, oh fuck no._ Alexander stumbled out of the bed, but fell on his ass. _Out, out, he needed out._ James rushed in, picking Alexander up.

“Let me go! Let me go! I can’t, I can’t, je ne peux pas respirer, James, James! It hurts! I, I-I-” Alexander squirmed, trying to get away. James could feel anger bubbling in his chest. He didn’t feel like dealing with this shit right now. James brought him into the hall, shoving him into the closet and locking the door. Alexander banged on the door, but the space was too small for him to really move much in. Everything was closing in on him, he couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t, he couldn’t- Alexander pushed himself as far back as he could go and curled up as tightly as possible. His panic continued to rise until everything became like static. He couldn’t feel anything, but he wasn’t numb or empty either.

 

It had only been about half an hour, but it felt like it was days before he could breath again. Until he wasn’t wailing and sobbing. He let out a small hiccup, uncurling himself slightly, enough to knock at the closet door. “James?” He called out, his voice was soft, but he didn’t want to be any louder. “James, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry James, I shouldn’t of freaked out, this is all my fault. I’m okay now, I’ll, I’ll be better. I’ll be good for you, James, I’ll do anything you want, just let me out. Please…” The door swung open and a pair of strong arms gathered him up. He was carried silently to the living room where James sat, arranging Alexander so they were chest to chest. Alexander let a few shaky whimpers float past his lips, but James didn’t seem as mad as he was anymore.

  
“You took you punishment so well sweetheart. This won't happen again, right?” Alexander nodded against the man’s chest, silent tears slipping down his face. “That’s a good boy. We don’t have to go through that ever again.” James lifted Alexander's face and left a lingering kiss on his lips, one hand resting on the small of the boy’s back and the other threading through his hair. Alexander positively melted against him, craving any kind of touch he could get. He felt awful, seducing James like this, but James seemed to want it. Everything’s a give and take. He could be giving and greedy in return.

 

He was selflessly selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Je ne peux pas respirer - I can't breathe 
> 
>  
> 
> (Unrelated Tip: Hair dye and food don't mix)


	14. Son of a Whore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short filler chapter because I'm tired and can't think of plot

Maria limped inside, cursing her bruised hips.  _ Why did they always have to be so rough?  _ She delicately took off her shoes before shuffling silently to the kitchen, setting the wad of cash down on the counter. She opened the fridge, grabbing and chugging a bottle of water before gasping for air as quietly as she could, her raw throat feeling much better after the coolness of the liquid. She set the water back into the open fridge, closing it’s door quietly before she eased herself back against the counter, frowning at her feet. She wondered if Alexander was in bed. She had wanted this for so long, to have someone she could call her child, but she felt like a failure. She was rarely home ever since Alexander had came to live with them. Christmas was awful for him, not to mention this past few days… She sighed. She decided that she would sleep on the couch tonight, if she could fall asleep at all. She didn’t want James to be angry if she woke him up. She tiptoed her way to the couch, grabbing the throw blanket from the back of the chair on her way. She stopped abruptly, finding two figures already on the couch. She cringed, guilt making her stomach do somersaults and flips. She was about to leave, to just go to her and James’ room to wallow before a slurred voice split the silence. “S’that you, ‘ria?” Alexander breathed out, his accent thinly veiled. Maria nodded, hoping Alexander could see her confirmation in the limited light. She offered out her hand to him, she wanted to clean him up. Care for him. Like a good mother would do.  _ Like her mother didn’t.  _ Alexander saw the hand but hesitated, looking up at James. He really didn’t want to wake the man up, scared of what might happen. He figured that James would probably understand if he had gotten up, it’s not like he was allowed any medication to keep him asleep and James knew he had trouble with sleeping. So Alexander slowly rolled off of the man in one graceful movement, tugging his boxers up farther at the same time. He grimaced at how the sweat and... Other fluids staining them made the fabric stick to his skin. Maria gently laid the blanket on the sleeping man, ignoring how Alexander’s eyes lingered before leading the boy to the bathroom. She flipped on the light and closed the door half-way, gasping when she fully saw the boy.

He was covered in bruises, a large one wrapping it’s way around the front of his neck, and smaller, darker ones littering the rest of his skin from his thighs and hips to his jaw and neck and everywhere in between. Alexander looked ashamed. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Maria, I didn’t, it was all my fault, I shouldn’t of- I mean, he’s you husba-” Maria shushed him, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay Alexander. I’m not angry, I just don’t think… you should do this often,” She didn’t really have a say in the matter and she knew Alexander didn’t either whether or not he consented, but she didn’t like the situation they were in. Something that made her feel totally and utterly helpless. Alexander nodded slowly, looking torn. So Maria turned on the faucet for the tub, making sure the water was warm before plugging the drain. Alexander spoke up.

“Are you a.. Um, escort?” Maria was shocked, causing her to laugh louder than she meant to. Alexander flinched.

“You mean a whore?” Alexander nodded, regret shining evidently on his features.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t make false accusations, it’s just, well, you, uh… You act like one…” Maria felt offended, her shoulders stiffening in defense, preparing herself to pounce.

“Yeah? Do I dress like a slut? At least I don’t fuck a bunch of older men for free, you prick!” Maria wish she hadn’t said anything because the hurt that she saw on Alexander’s face made he want to gouge out her eyes so she’d never have to see that expression again. She was quick to turn off the faucet before going to comfort Alexander. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to say that, I’m not mad, shh, shh,” Alexander wasn’t crying, but dry sobs bubbled from his chest as he let Maria hold him.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t of asked.. It’s not, my, my mother… she was, and she and you, you both…” Alexander stuttered his way through his explanation, tears beginning to slip past his eyelashes. “You just seem  _ so scared _ … and she did too… I just, I just want to help, I’m so sorry!” He blubbered. If Maria had felt guilty before, she felt even worse now. He was worried about her and she just  _ insulted him _ . 

“No, It’s okay, I’m so sorry Alexander, I shouldn’t of said that, it’s not true,” Alexander continued to sob into her shoulder. “Hey, how about we get you into that bath before it gets cold, okay? We can talk then.” She pulled away to wipe the boy’s tears from his face. Alexander looked exhausted, even more than he usually did. Maria turned away to let the boy take off his boxers and get into the bath before sitting of the edge of the tub. Alexander pulled his knees to his chest, trying to hold onto some decency. Maria rolled up the sleeves of her dress before dipping her hands under the water, cupping them so she could pour some of the liquid warmth onto the shivering boy. “You weren't wrong, Alex… I’m sorry for getting upset. I, well, I am a whore..”

“I get it, I’m sorry for overreacting… You’re ashamed, right? Ma always said that she was, said that it didn’t matter though, as long as we were alive.” Maria smiled softly, humming ‘Stayin’ Alive’ in jest. Alexander giggled and Maria suddenly realized just how loud they were being just as James walked in. She was surprised that he seemed in good spirits though, bending down to kiss her cheek before kneeling by the tub. She felt her face grow warm at the sweet gesture, remembering why she married the man. James had put on some loose sweatpants before coming in, but left his shirt off. Alexander stared at his knees, trying to keep his eyes off the man. James chuckled.

“What’s wrong sweetheart? You weren't so shy earlier.” Alexander blushed, his head shooting up to look at James with wide eyes. “What? She already knows, right?” Alexander gave a hesitant nod. James smiled, a grin that showed off his pearly teeth. “See? Nothing to hide. Especially not those pretty bruises I left you. Come on, show ‘em off for Maria.” Maria looked uncomfortable. She was fine with her husband pursuing a minor if he wanted, but she personally found it wrong. Alexander must have found the situation uncomfortable too because he didn’t move until James physically pulled the boy’s knees away from his chest, bending them so Alexander had to switch positions. Alexander folded his legs under him, knees spread apart. He felt gross, embarrassed. He didn’t want Maria to look at him in such a shameful state. Alexander covered his crimson face with his hands, but didn’t dare change positions again.

“I, I think I’m going to go to bed,” Maria stood up, but James caught her wrist.

“Come on, I’m sharing with you, relax a little.” James chided, bringing her back down to sit between his legs. “Now come on Alexander, show Maria what you showed me.”

 

***

  
Angelica stared out and up at the stars from Lafayette’s bedroom window. The Frenchman was asleep, but she couldn’t even close her eyes for longer than a quick blink. She was scared for her friend. Angelica had always been good at reading and understanding people, but Alexander seemed to be like an open book of riddles. She could read him just fine, but to understand him was something else entirely. When she had discovered Alexander had cheated (or, how she saw it “cheated”) on John, she wish she could say that the first thing she thought was something morally good. That she was feeling protective or that she immediately thought that there was more to the story. No, instead she wondered if she could have Alexander to herself, completely devoid of any thought about how her friends would view the situation or how her long term  _ boyfriend _ would react to her wanting someone else. She felt lucky that she was so quick to come back to her senses before she accidentally did something stupid. She laid back down. She should get some sleep, she could wonder about her loyalties tomorrow.


	15. Phone Calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***PLEASE READ***  
> Well, this one's dialogue heavy. And short. Anyways, TRIGGER WARNING for SELF HARM, please keep safe. It comes after the triple asterisks, so if anyone doesn't want to or can't read that part it's fine, and if you'd like I can put a basic summary of what happened in the end notes, just let me know. Again, stay safe, mentally and physically and enjoy this chapter???

With a soft _thud_ , Alexander fell back onto his bed. He gazed up at the ceiling, letting the stress of the week slowly wash away. He was confused. He knew that John would have been upset with him for a while, he knew that it would put a serious dent in their relationship, but John wouldn’t even talk to him. Not a single word. _Not a single. Fucking. Word._ Alexander almost felt angry, he wanted to get upset, scream at John, scream at somebody, _anybody,_ but he couldn’t. It just didn’t make sense. _They should be back together by now._ Alexander had seen it before, both on television and real life. Someone would cheat, the other would get angry, after a day they would talk and work things out, eventually getting back together. It was a calculated risk. He didn’t like lying and he knew the aftermath was going to be bad, but the damage was supposed to be temporary. He was growing anxious that it would become permanent. Hell, he had _tried_ to talk to John, but his texts and calls went unanswered, not to even mention trying to talk to him in person. Hercules and Peggy had relaxed somewhat but both were still adamant on keeping Alexander far, far away from John. Alexander felt his heart soar when he heard his phone ringing from where it sat charging on his desk. He lept from his bed, praying that it was John.

Oh.

_Oh._

_It was Burr._

Alexander frowned, discarding the call. He couldn’t deal with him right n- Was that fucker seriously calling him again? He discarded the call a second time. So it rang again. **_The audacity._ ** Alexander snarled, finally deciding to answer, growling out a firm ‘what.’

“Someone’s grumpy. Anything that has to do with cheating on your boyfriend? Bad move Alexander.”

“Shut the fuck up Burr, quit acting like you’re my damn shoulder angel.”

“Really? Angel? You’re sweet.” Alexander groaned. _The damn cock goblin deserved to be strung up by the foreskin of his fucking chode, or God help and forgive him, Alexander w-_ “But I prefer to think of myself as your conscience.”

“Burr, what do you want?”

“Honestly I was just checking in with you,” Alexander was about to scream. “Why so hostile today?” Alexander felt himself calm down as Burr took on a more relaxed, concerned tone.

“It doesn’t matter, I just… I feel like I fucked up more than I originally thought.” Aaron hummed in affirmation.

“Are you going to fix things?”

“I’ve tried, but he won't talk to me! That’s a non-starter,” Burr chuckled softly but was quick to stifle his laughter.

“I think you might need to let it go.”

“Let it go? What? No way!”

“Well, I mean, you have Thomas, right? Why not-”

“Because I still love John, dammit!” The other man let out a long sigh.

“It’s not going to work out, why not just move on now?”

“No, I’m going to get him back, I can do it. I can.”

“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling,” Aaron warned softly.

“I’m not being prideful, Aaron. I’m doing what’s right.”

“He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool.”

“But whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered,” Alexander finished. He had never been very religious but the part of his mother who had faith in God and his plan still resided inside of him. _A piece of her heart, torn and bleeding still kept a pulse inside of him, breathing the air destined for her lungs._

“And you think yourself wise?” Alexander let out a small giggle. Whenever Aaron recited too many proverbs he always had fallen into a ‘holier than thou’ pattern of speech. Aaron knew it made Alexander laugh. “Blaspheme, you fool! I will not stand for this, spineless slug! I bite my thumb at you!”

“Doth thou bite thine thumb at me, heathen?”

“Aye, sir!”

“Doth thou have unsettled quarrel?”

“Aye, that I do!”

“Well have at it you filthy swine!” The two boys couldn’t continue, too busy howling in laughter at their own dramatics. “How,” Alexander began, catching his breath, “How did we get from the bible to Shakespeare?"

“No idea,” Aaron breathed out. “Take care of yourself, Alexander. See you on the other side.”

“See you on the other side,” Alexander responded before ending the call. His spirits had been lifted. Things would work out. Everything would be fine.

 

 

***

 

Absolutely nothing was fine and it never was going to be.

 

John sat in his tub watching a blood steadily poured from his thighs. _He didn’t mean to cut so deep._ It was his first time doing such a thing, but when he had started he couldn’t really will himself to stop. Was he over reacting? Was it usually this much blood? _He felt dizzy._ He picked up his phone, his legs gone numb. He opened Alexander’s contact, shooting off a quick text before dialing the number everyone was told to know by heart. Easy, it was easy. _What was it?_ John’s eyes blurred for a second before refocusing. _Oh yeah, nine hundred and eleven. Nine one one. One one. Eleven. Onety one?_ John laughed softly before hitting call.

“Nine one one, what’s your emergency?” John froze.

“Um…”

“Are you there?”

“Yeah, yeah. Um, I’m sitting…”

“Sitting where, sir?”

“In my bathroom.”

“Is everything okay?”

“No, there’s a lot of blood.”

“Is it your blood, sir?”

“Oh, yeah. Yes. I think I’m bleeding out?” John tilted his head back. _His father would be so upset about the stains._

“Where are you sir?”

“In my bathroom.” _Didn’t he already answer this question?_

“Can you give me an address?” John was slowly able to form a reply. His eyelids were heavy. He could vaguely hear the woman on the end of the line continue to ask him questions, but he hung up, moving back to his texts.

 

To: Alex <3

_I still love you_

The reply was instantaneous.

 

From: Alex <3

_John, oh thank God, I love you too, I’m so sorry_

 

From: Alex <3

_I’m so sorry John_

 

From: Alex <3

_How about we go for some coffee? Talk things out?_

 

John hummed happily. “He still loves me…” He rasped out, tears leaking from his eyes. _It’s not manly to cry._ He could hear sirens. His eyelids were growing heavier by the second. His thighs wouldn't stop bleeding, jagged cuts thick and deep. He stared at the blade in his hand before switching his attention back to his phone.

 

To: Alex <3

_That sounds great, baby doll_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not very good at either Biblical or Shakespearean references/wording, so let me know if anything's wrong. Thank you for reading!
> 
> (Quick Vent: I have so much work to do. So much. So much, and I haven't even started. I need to prepare for a debate, write an essay, study, paint and sketch out ideas and??? I'm too young and lazy for this??? On the plus side though I just had a Happy Meal, love me some chickie nuggies.)


	16. Flatline

_Alexander stared down at his phone_ . _He could finally fix things._

 

From: Mi Amour <3 <3

_That sounds great, baby doll_

 

_Alexander’s heart fluttered at the affectionate name_ . _John still loved him, everything would be okay._

 

***

 

Alexander let out a muffled sob, his shoulders shaking. James stood away from him, as did the Washington's along with his other friends. “Friends”. He didn’t know what to call them anymore. _He hated hospitals, they reeked of death._ John was just in the room behind him. Dying. The nurse had come in a half hour ago, telling them that only two could see him at a time. _And that he probably wouldn’t make it through the night._ John’s father and younger sister went in immediately after they were told this. They were still in there.

“Daddy, why won’t he wake up? It’s been _hours!_ Is Johnny being lazy? I hate it when he’s lazy! Tell him I want to go home!” Alex sobbed harder into his hands, listening to the young girl’s ignorance, her shouts barely muffled by the thin walls. Lafayette was about to move to comfort Alexander but Hercules was holding onto him too tightly, the boy’s shaky breaths fanning across the Frenchman’s neck. It was midnight when they had all gotten the call from Henry Laurens. It was seven when Alexander received his last text from the boy, and it was three in the morning as they all sat, waiting. Lafayette watched as James moved over to the small boy, gently pulling the boy to his chest, observing as Alexander ripped himself away violently before curling farther into himself. James dejectedly shifted away. Lafayette glanced over to Angelica, her face being the epitome of strength. Peggy was curled against her, mumbling quietly as the older girl stroked her hair. Angelica mouthed something to him. He didn’t understand, but he nodded anyways. She smiled without any real feeling. Her eyes lingered on everyone in the room, laying heavily on the lone boy, shivering, the only one openly sobbing. She wanted to scream at him, blame this all on him on Alexander. But it wasn’t his fault. Little did she know that the weeping teen had been wrestling with himself because it was. _It was his fault, he shouldn’t have cheated, filthy whore, filthy, filthy._ Everything felt like static, but cutting through was the knowledge that this whole situation was _his fault, his fault, his fault, hisfaulthisfaulthisfaulthisfaulthisfault!_ Alexander was close to ripping his hair out, his fingers grasping firmly at his greasy locks. Warm fingers pried them away. Alexander jerked his hand away from his foster father. He didn’t want to be touched. _He killed John._ He could almost feel blood crusting beneath his fingernails. Suddenly, Henry and his daughter walked out.

Alexander had never really talked to John’s father, and from the look that the man was giving him now, Alexander was certain he never would. “I’m taking Martha home…” The older man croaked out. George gently pulled away from Martha, gently offering for him to take the girl home so the man could be with his son. “No! No… No thank you George,” The small girl was half asleep in his arms, mumbling about her brother. “I’ve said my goodbyes… I just can’t be here when…” George nodded in understanding, but insisted that Henry wasn’t in his right mind to drive. The man had no fight left in him, staggering alongside the taller man out of the hallway. Alexander was quick to stand, he wanted to see John. _He needed to._ Hercules was in front of him immediately though, lips pulled back into a snarl.

“You’ve done enough damage, Alexander!” Alexander took a few quick steps back. Hercules was about to follow, but Lafayette had made his way over, holding the man back gentle yet firm.

“Hercules, please, he just-”

“No! This is all his fucking fault!” Martha and James were both quick to get involved as Angelia stayed put, watching the encounter with wide eyes as she wrapped her arms tighter around her sister. Guarding her.

“Hercules! This wasn’t Alexander’s fault, it was no one’s fault!” Martha was between the two boys, hands on Hercules’ chest. James had wrapped his arms around Alexander protectively, holding the small boy so that the two were chest to chest, Alexander’s weight leaning mostly on James. Alexander could feel himself falling apart, he was absent. He wasn’t aware of James pulling him back to the hard plastic seats, wasn’t aware of the time passing as the rest who were there filtered in and out of John’s room, saying their goodbyes. He was brought back though by James lightly shaking him, telling that he should go in now, that everyone else had said their piece to the dying boy. So numbly, Alexander stumbled into the dimly lit room.

The local hospital was terribly understaffed, no nurse was inside, waiting on John. Although, there wasn’t much to wait on. John laid motionless, breathing, his heart monitor beeping irregularly. The doctors couldn’t do much more than make his death less painful. They were able to stop the bleeding from John’s nicked artery in his right thigh, but the excess amount of pills along with the large quantity of beer he had taken earlier left him in a coma. An unrecoverable coma. Alexander collapsed beside the bed, grasping one of the limp, freckled hands. “I didn’t want it…” Alexander whispered. “And it wasn’t Jefferson, I promise,” The small boy’s voice cracked as he let out a shuddering sob. “Mi amour… oh, mi amour…” Alexander mumbled, leaning over to press kisses to the unresponsive face before shoving his nose into the loose curls. _He still smelled like coconuts and smoke._ Alexander couldn’t stop himself from crawling into the bed, nestling himself against John’s side, careful of the wires connecting him to all kinds of machinery. He slowly moved John’s arms so the were loosely wrapped around his small frame. With one of the larger hands still grasped in his own, he let his other trace patterns on the rising and falling chest his head rested on. He slowly moved his hand up to the serene face. It was uncanny. “Each freckle that rests upon your face is like a fleck of gold… a star,” Alexander’s hand trailed down to the other boy’s neck. “A galaxy sprawled across the canvas of your body, as if the Gods decided they had too many supernovas so they gave them to you to wear as if a cloak…” Alexander continued to recite his poetry, briefly wondering if John still had that Christmas present. His soft voice wavered with each word that fell from his numb lips. His hand slid to John’s forearm where a large burn still warped his caramel skin into a wrinkled white. “Your scars are as if a scriptor used candle wax instead of ink to tell your story…” His fingers shook.” Alexander propped himself up onto one of his arms, letting his free hand trail back up to John’s face, his fingers delicately tracing lips and cascading through feathery soft hair, each word that dripped from his tongue pure muscle memory. He admired the boy’s fingers and caressed lightly rosy cheeks. “What else am I able to say so that I can convey, you, my dearest Laurens, are beautiful,” Alexander was sitting upright now, eyes fixated on the hands intertwined with his. “Understand that you, my dearest Laurens, are beautiful….” He left a lingering kiss on the other’s plump lips. He pulled away slowly, choking out a sob when he felt fingers faintly squeeze his own. “And understand that I, my dearest Laurens, am so, so sorry…”

  


The heart monitor flatlined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, my hand slipped


	17. Warmth and Safety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK!!! I'm so sorry for being away so long, but I'm here! With a new chapter! There's excuses at the end if you want any kind of reasoning, but anyways, enjoy!

John had always joked that open-casket funerals were weird. Staring at John’s lifeless corpse, Alexander understood why. He had never had the pleasure of going to a funeral before, his mother was far too poor to afford one and his cousin had no family to pay for one at all. Alexander was tempted to touch John. He didn’t really think of the corpse as _his_ John though. It wasn’t filled with the same fiery yet free-flowing passion that John always had. He briefly wondered if they used the same coconut shampoo John always used when cleaning the dead boy’s hair. Before Alexander could make the irreversible mistake of sniffing a corpse's hair he stepped away, gazing at the vibrant flower arrangements before walking down the pews. He sat himself at the back where both Madison and Thomas spoke softly. The front two rows were reserved for friends and Family. Alexander was neither. They were quick to make room for him, making sure the Caribbean sat between them. The two older boys glanced at each other before deciding to strike up conversation. “How are you feeling Angel?”

“Tired…” Alexander whispered, not trusting his own voice.

“How about both you come to my place after this is over? We can watch a few movies, sleep over if you’d like?” James suggested timidly, readjusting his hearing aid. Alexander nodded numbly. _That sounded nice. Maybe they’d let him cuddle? He felt so empty._

“That sounds great,” Thomas replied verbally, gently putting an arm around Alexander’s shoulders. Alexander was quick to snuggle in closer, desperate for some kind of physical contact.

The few days before the funeral Alexander hadn’t left his bed, but he hadn’t slept either. Maria was always out and Alexander had continuously forced away his foster father’s attempts of comfort. He had refused to eat all together as well. _Maybe that’s why he’s tired._ From across the room he caught Hercules’ eye. They stared at eachother for a few seconds before Alexander tore his eyes away. The service was about to start.

  


***

  


Alexander didn’t want to be here. The Washingtons had offered to hold the reception at their home, and Alexander felt awkward without Lafayette by his side. So he stuck close to his two friends. He was glad they came with him despite his protests. He had been afraid it would look bad, bringing the boy he supposedly cheated on his now dead lover with for said dead lover’s funeral… and he was right. There were constant stares and whispers, but if Jefferson could hold his head up high, so could Alexander.

He watched people mill about, sharing watery smiles and lingering hugs as hey mourned. Alexander didn’t know who most of the people here were to John. _Extended family, perhaps?_ Alexander startled as his phone began to ring. He murmured a soft apology and excused himself from his friends, walking the familiar route to the main washroom as he answered the call. Luckily for him, the room was free, so he slipped inside and locked the door behind him. “Aaron,” He breathed out, pressing the phone to his ear with shaky hands.

“Alexander, are you doing okay?” Alexander tried not to laugh.

“No…” He choked out.

“Oh, Alex… I, I’m busy right now, but I’ll call back tonight, okay?”

“No! No, Aaron, please, I can’t, I can’t-!”

“Shh, Alexander. Calm down, just relax, okay? I’m basically your conscience, remember? I’m in the back of your head, so don’t worry about me not being there, yeah?” Alexander let out a wet laugh, remembering their last conversation. “I’ll call back tonight. Be good,” Aaron hung up, and Alexander couldn’t hold back a sob. Quiet and raw sounding. He tried to muffle himself when he heard light taps coming from the other side of the door.

“Alexandre? It is me. May I come in? Thomas is very worried.”

“N-No. No, I’m okay,” Alexander flinched when the door knob was rattled by the frenchman.

“Alexandre… Please? I have not seen you for a while, I miss you.”

“No you don’t,” Alexander had moved to lean against the cupboards below the sink. His heart jumped as he heard a click. The door swung open.

“You forget I have keys, mon ami.” Lafayette shut the door softly behind him and sat across from Alexander. “Why are you in here?”

“Unimportant.”

“Alexandre…” Lafayette’s tone was chiding, but it didn’t hold the same bitterness Alexander expected. _It’s not like Lafayette was ever bitter with him in the first place, but still, he was the one that murdered John._ The thought slipped through his mind so quickly that he almost didn’t realize what information and truth it held. He felt an imaginary weight tug harshly on his shoulders. _He killed John. Murdered him._ His breath began to pick up rapidly. “Alexandre? What is wrong? Respirez avec moi, tu peu fair. Seulement regarder moi,” Lafayette scooted closer to Alexander and began to take exaggerated breaths.

“I killed him, Laf! Il est mort à cause de moi!” The frenchman’s eyes widened.

“Non, non, Alexandre… That was not your fault, it was no one’s fault,” Lafayette tried to reason, but Alexander wasn’t listening, focusing on controlling his breathing. He was able to force his panic down just long enough to get up.

“I need to go.” Alexander stood only shaky legs, his hands and lips trembling.

“Mon ami, please, you are not well-”

“I need to leave.” Alexander’s voice was firm. Or, well, as firm as he could make it. _He needed out. Out, out, out!_

Every movement felt lethargic and heavy, he heard Lafayette’s protests but ignored him. In his rush to get back to Thomas and James, even his foster parents, _anyone,_ he didn’t notice the broad figure in his way.

He slammed full force into the chest and replied back. He was able to find his balance before falling flat on his ass. “What are you doing here? You shouldn’t have come.” Alexander looked up, searching for the owner of the booming voice.

“H-Herc, I’m sorry, I-”

“You don’t get to be sorry Alexander! He _killed himself_ because of _you!”_ Alexander recoiled at the force of the words and the sheer betrayal etched onto his old friend’s face. Before he could stop it, tears were rolling down his cheeks.

“You think that I d-don’t know that!?” A sob bubbled past his lips. “I know what I did Hercules! I cheated on him! I broke his damn heart! He didn’t kill himself, I did! I killed him!” Alexander’s voice was shrill, it felt like coughing up shards of shattered glass. His face was scrunched up and blotchy, his shoulders shook and he roughly wiped the snot and tears away with his sleeves. Lafayette had come over now, scolding Hercules harshly, but Alexander’s head was too foggy and the ringing in his ears had reached an all-time peak, all noise being drowned out. He could feel all eyes on him as the pressure built up. He couldn’t handle it anymore. His legs moved without him asking for them to, and in all too quick of a blur, he was out of the front door, feet pounding rhythmically on the sidewalk.

 

***

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you!?”

“I-”

“You do not just tell someone that they are the reason of their boyfriend’s death!”

“ _Ex-_ Boyfrien-”

“That does not matter!” Lafayette was livid, vision tinted red. His heart was hammering in his chest. _How could Hercules be so insensitive?_ “Get out of my house!”

“Laf, I-”

**_“Leave!”_ ** Hercules flinched and glanced around. No one knew what to do, how to react to this outburst. So Hercules left, shame and guilt wrapping tight around him.

“Gilbert, what’s going on?” Lafayette looked to George after everyone turned back to their own conversations.

“I, I am sorry Papa, I could not just let him stand there and talk to Alexander that way, I kn-”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay Gil. What was he saying?” George led his foster son from the hall and into the kitchen, sitting the boy down.

“He said that it was Alexander’s fault that John…” Lafayette trailed off, but George seemed to understand, nodding solemnly.

“It wasn’t wrong to make him leave. I hate to say it, but his behavior has become kind of...”

“Toxic?” Lafayette suggested. George nodded his head. “He is just hurting…” George shrugged.

“Maybe later once you’ve both cooled off you should talk to him.” Lafayette considered the prospect, slowly nodding. “Anyways, where is he?” Lafayette paused.

“Who?”

“Alexander.”

“Oh, he is…” Lafayette froze. In the heat of it all he had barely registered his friend leave. He quickly stood up. “I will go look for him, he is most likely not far.”

“He left?” George looked concerned.

“Yes, right after I stepped in. What is wrong?”

“Nothing. I just need to tell James and Maria. You go look for him, but bring someone with you.” Lafayette mock saluted at the command and George huffed out a laugh at the action. “And be safe. Martha will kill me if you get hurt.”

“Do not worry papa. I will be fine.”

 

***

 

Alexander was shaking with energy. He stopped running and had slowed to a walk, but he was nervous. It was the evening and even though Virginia was considerably safe at night, Alexander was still attuned to New York. His city. _God, he missed his city._ Alexander turned into a park and sat on the creaky swing set. He swung his legs, gradually propelling himself higher and higher.

All previous panic had worn off, leaving him in a dull, numb state. He wanted John, wanted him to make this awful feeling go away. As Alexander swung, he took off his black suit jacket and loosened his tie. He hated the formal wear. Why wear something for a dead person? The wind whipped against Alexander’s cheeks and his basked in the sharp, frozen feeling. He felt a vibration against his thigh and he slammed his heels into the ground, stopping all motion. He prayed for it to be Burr, but it wasn’t. He answered.

_“I swear to fucking God Alexander, get your ass back here before I find you and drag you back!”_ Alexander didn’t trust his voice, but responded none the less.

“I-I’m sorry, I’ll come back James, just please give me… just a few more minutes?” Alexander spoke timidly, not wanting to upset his foster father further. An irritated sigh sounded from the other line.

_“Nevermind, it’s fine. I’m sorry for shouting sweetheart. Just tell me where you are and we’ll pick you up, we were going to head home soon anyways.”_ Alexander frowned. _But he wanted to go to Madison’s place._

“Actually, um, I was wondering if I could maybe, uh, go out ton-”

_“It’s your boyfriend’s fucking funeral and you want to go out? What the actual fuck Alexander?”_ Alexander whimpered quietly.

“Please, I jus-”

_“No. Tell me where the fuck you are Alexander.”_ Alexander hesitated. _“I’m not in the mood for games! When the fuck are you!?”_ Alexander could hear the sound of an engine starting on the other line.

“Kinsmen park…” Alexander admitted defeatedly.

The other line went dead. Alexander turned off his phone and stood up. He bent over to pick up his jacket, and by the time he was looking ahead of him again, three familiar figures were in sight, jogging towards him. Alexander stood frozen, waiting for them to make it into his immediate area.

“Angel,” Thomas panted, stumbling to a halt. “Why’d you run off? Laf told me someone said something to you?” By the time Thomas had finished, the two others had made their way over. Angelica looked sympathetically at him as Lafayette gave a soft smile.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t, I wasn’t thinking…”

“It is okay, mon ami. Hercules should not have said that.” Alexander tried to force a smile, his lips forming into a tight grimace instead.

“Don’t worry, I’ll talk to Herc later, he-”

“It’s fine, Angelica. Thank you for your concern.” Alexander nodded before turning to Jefferson. “I’m, uh… Can you tell Jemmy I’m going home? I’m sorry to ditch, but James, I mean, _my_ James…” Thomas looked disappointed, but nodded anyways.

“I’ll tell him, don’t worry.”

“Are you okay though, mon ami?”

“Yeah, Alex. It wasn’t your fault, it was John’s decision, you didn-” Angelica started.

“Don’t. Please. It, it doesn’t really matter hat he said, he was just upset. Like the rest of us.” Alexander heard a car horn blare loudly. “I’ll, uh, see you all on monday, I guess…” Alexander turned to leave, not wanting to be with them any longer.  He didn’t want them to tell him that it wasn't his fault, didn’t want them to lie to him. They blamed him as much as Herc did. _As much as Alexander did._ He jogged to the car, climbing quickly into the back seat. He was barely able to put on his seatbelt before James was speeding off.

  


The car ride was silent. Alexander found it suffocating, watching his foster father seethe quietly, the steering wheel in a vice grip. When the car was parked, James spoke. “Out,” He commanded plainly, leaving no room for disagreement. Alexander was quick, stumbling out of the car and into the house, Maria behind him. Alexander looked at his foster mother in fear. _Why was James so angry?_

“Oh, Alexander..” Maria mumble, stepping towards the boy. She rubbed gently at the tear treks staining his cheeks. “Go change and wash up, I’m sure James will want to talk to you.”

“I, I’m s-sorry,” Alexander choked out, tears filling his eyes. _She looked so disappointed in him._

“I’m not upset… Don’t ever worry about me being upset with you, I just don’t want James to…” Alexander bit his lip and nodded. Maria patted his cheek with a soft, fearful smile. “Go on, clean yourself up. I'll see if I can calm him down.”

“Thank you so much,” Alexander whispered, quick to dart off to his room. He grabbed a pair of loose shorts and a large t-shirt _(when did James’ shirt get in here?)_ and sped off to the bathroom. He stripped quickly and turned away from the mirror, not wanting to look at the pathetic state he was in. he grabbed a washcloth and soaked it in lukewarm water before proceeding to scrub his face raw. He threw on the clothing and tied his loose hair into a bun. Warily, he crept into the living room where he heard the mutters from his foster parents. The floorboards creaked beneath him, and James whipped around to face him.

“Alexander, what the hell was running off about?”

“I’m, I’m sorry James, I panicked, and I-”

“Do you have any idea how that reflects on me!? We’ve had this fucking talk before! Not to mention bringing fucking- I just- I can’t fucking _believe!_ ” James had started to pace and both Alexander and Maria stepped out of the way. James seethed for about a minute, spewing out half finished sentences before grabbing Alexander by the shoulders. On instinct, Alex tried to move away, struggle, but James wasn’t having it. With a swift _smack_ , James slapped the boy across the face. “Stay fucking still!” Alexander froze, staring up at James, eyes wide. James let out a long exhale, slowly relaxing his shoulders. He let go of Alexander, smiling gently when Alexander stayed in position. Now, in close proximity, Alexander could smell the alcohol on James’ breath. _Why would anyone think it’s a good idea to serve alcohol at a funeral?_

James rubbed the shirt Alexander wore between his fingers, the other hand caressing the boy’s face. Ever so slightly, Alexander leaned into the touch. He wouldn’t say it because god knows how James would react, but he imagined Johns’ calloused palms opposed to James’ soft ones, the smell of weed and cheap beer opposed to wine and cigarettes, Alexander got lost in his memories. That was, until, James captured his lips in his own. He could hear Maria audibly whimpered, obviously feeling helpless to the entire situation. Alexanders eyes were wide open. He wanted to push the older man off of him, but at the same time, he was scared. Not scared if James would hurt him upon rejection, but feared that James would never touch him again. It was irrational, he knew it, but something screamed at the back of his mind, demanding some sense of touch, so pathetically deprived that it feared even rejecting unwanted attention. So as James moved drunkenly to his neck, he gently waved off Maria with a reassuring smile and submitted.

 

***

 

Alexander laid curled up against his foster father. He didn’t feel as much disgust with himself as he used to, no nausea, no tears, just the underwhelming vacant feeling of mild self-loathing. A tiny voice murmured at the back of his brain begging him to read the signs, understand that he had seen this downwards spiral happen to others before. That voice was incomprehensibly easy to squash. He forgot all about it’s warning the moment he snuggled closer to the man beside him. He embraced the warmth, ignoring all doubts. He was safe here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> Respirez avec moi, tu peu fair. Seulement regarder moi - Breathe with me, you can do it. Just look at me.  
> Il est mort à cause de moi! - He's dead because of me!
> 
> Excuses:  
> Funerals are had for me to write. Not really because of emotions, but rather... a lack there of. I've never been really been emotional at the prospect of death because I feel like death is kind of what give life it's value. And I'm also a lucky person considering the majority of people that I have lost have not played a very large role in my life. So I had a bit of trouble trying to find out how Alexander would react at a funeral, for example was he denying it before, but this make it final for him and he loses what little cool he had, or is he kind of just awkward around the entire idea of death or is he just kind of empty??? Besides that, I was kind of stumped with writers block, and I have a feeling it will hit again (Plus I kinda forgot about this, whoops). I hoped you enjoyed!


	18. What am I to You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember chapter ten? Get ready for the answer.

Hercules sat on his living room's floor, needles moving rhythmically. _Through, straighten, thread around and pull. Through, straighten, thread around and pull. Through, straighten, thread around an-_ Hercules dropped his needles when he heard knocking on his front door. In a panic he shoved them beneath a couch cushion before rushing to answer the door. “Dad, hey,  I didn’t think you’d… oh, hi Gilbert.” Lafayette smiled gently at his friend, trying to sooth his stiff posture.

“Hello Herc. I was wondering if um, if we could talk?” Hercules paused for a second.

“No shouting, okay? Will’s sleeping.” Lafayette chuckled.

“I’m not here to yell at you petit lapin. Just talk.”

 

***

 

Alexander groaned as he awoke. The curtains had been left open and the sun hit his eyes directly. After a few seconds of struggling with the sheets wound tightly around his legs and torso, he was free. He quickly pulled on some discarded pajama pants (which were not his as he figured out just after pulling them up past his knees) and drowsily stumbled to the kitchen.

The sugary smell of french toast and waffles made his mouth water and stomach churn simultaneously. Maria hummed gently in front of the stove, basking in the morning light as James trailed kisses along her bare neck. Alexander was amazed that the man didn’t have a hangover. As Alexander thought about it now, it was a miracle James hadn’t crashed the car if how strongly he smelt was any indicator to how much the man drank. Alexander took a deep breath. “Should I set the table?” Maria looked over at him and smiled widely before turning back to cooking. James pulled away from Maria to look at Alexander.

“Aw, no good morning? Not even a hello?”

“James, be nice,” Maria chided lightly, smiling.

“Oh, sorry, good morning. B-Both of you.” James closed the short distance across the kitchen to Alexander in a few, short, bouncy teps.

“Good morning sweetheart,” James kissed his cheek. “Sunshine, darling, sugar, apple pie.” James punctuated each sugary nickname with an even sweeter trail of kisses, and Alexander couldn’t help but giggle at the attention. James grinned, honest and dazzling. “The tables all set. But how about you put on some coffee for us sweetheart.” Alexander nodded, about to proceed with the task before James stopped him. James lightly tapped a finger to his cheek, and without complaint, Alexander gave him a lingering peck before he shuffled in beside Maria, preparing the coffee pot.

“How are you doing?” Alexander startled.

“Oh, I’m really good actually.” Alexander glanced over at James who was digging in the fridge to find some maple syrup. A smile played across his lips, happy and relaxed knowing that James was as well. “Why do you ask?” Maria didn’t reply, only stared at his chest for as long as she could without burning the food. Alexander glanced down after finishing reading the coffee machine for operation. He couldn’t see the bruises too well, but they were there. He clicked start. “I’m fine, they don’t hurt a bit.” Maria nodded.

“Good. Now, do you like cinnamon?” Alexander nodded excitedly and Maria grinned. “Than get ready for the best breakfast of your life!

  


***

 

“I’m sorry for my behavior last night, Alexander really didn’t deserve that.”

“You did behave poorly, and I would be lying if I said I forgive you completely, but I do, erm, appreciate it. But with that said, I am not the one you should be apologizing to.” Hercules frowned at the words, handing Lafayette the sugary, frothy, cream concoction the frenchman had the nerve to still call coffee. “I am not saying you have- thank you- to get him flowers or knit him a huge blanket with huge block letters shouting ‘I am sorry’, but do make an effort on monday to really talk to him.” Hercules took a sip of his tea, basking in the aroma of ginger and lemon before answering.

“Fine.” Hercules conceded. Lafayette chugged half of his sugar drink and grinned brightly, licking froth off of his upper lip. Hercules snorted into the cup before leading his friend into the living room. “So anymore heavy topics to discuss, or can we put on some good ol’ reality T.V and relax?” Hercules asked, setting his cup on a coaster before digging out this knitting from beneath the cushion. After Lafayette’s prolonged silence, he looked over. “What?”

“Maybe-” Hercules groaned, and Lafayette gave him a gentle smack. “Do not groan at me!”

“Hush, Willy Billy’s still sleeping!” Herc stage whispered, grinning ear to ear.

“Maybe I want him to wake up!” Lafayette stage whispered back. Hercules smirked mischievously before tackling Laf to the couch, trying to wrestle the remote control from the other boy’s hands.

“If you wake him, I won’t let you choose what station!”

“That is only if you can get the controller, Monsieur Mulligan!” Hercules grinned. _Classic diversion._

 

***

 

They all chatted happily over breakfast, shooting jokes back and forth. Alexander glanced down at his plate, about to take the last bite of his wonderfully made cinnamon french toast before a wave of nausea hit him full force.

 

_“Hey baby doll,” John kissed his temple and Alexander couldn’t help but grin. The smell of sugary syrup and cinnamon filled his nostrils as he stretched, slowly sitting up to take in the sight before him._

_John stood in his shirtless, freckled glory, an excited smile gracing his features. The way the warm morning light reflected off of the snow and through the window made the boy’s stray hairs that stood separately from his tumbling curls glow, forming a halo around his head. Alexander’s heart picked up. God, he was so perfect. His eyes trailed down to his boyfriend's hands, holding a tray. “Hah, what’s this?” John rushed  to put the tray on the night stand and sit beside his sleepy boyfriend, grasping his hands in his own._

_“I know you said you didn’t want anything for your birthday, but I couldn’t help myself when I saw you sleeping there,” John leaned closer to Alexander. “All curled up,” He pressed a kiss to cheek. “With those cute little kitten snores,” Alexander giggled as John’s lips trailed to his neck and his hands made their way from his own hands to his waist. “So relaxed,” John rested his head against the younger boy’s. “So peaceful. And do you know what I thought?”_

_“What did you think, Mister Laurens?” Alexander whispered. Their lips were so close that they could almost feel short electric shocks between them._

_“That you deserve not just the best breakfast,” John moved  so his hips were against Alexander’s, guiding his boyfriend to lay down so he could pepper more kisses across the expanse of Alexander’s neck and chest. Alexander placed his small palms against the older boy’s cheeks, gently tilting his face back up to him. John gave a dazzling smile before finishing his thought. “But the entire god damn world.”_

 

“Alexander, hey, are you alright?” Alexander shot his head up to look at the woman across from him. He hadn’t even realized he’d zoned out. Both his foster parents looked concerned. Alexander touched a hand to his tear stained cheek and roughly wiped at the moisture.

“Yeah, of course, I’m fine.” Alexander's voice was shaky, and he could feel his stomach acid chewing through his insides, creeping slowly up his esophagus. “I’ll, I’ll be back to clean up.” Without wasting any time at all, Alexander got up and sprinted to the bathroom, swiftly closing and locking the door behind him. He couldn’t get to the toilet in time, so he emptied his stomach into the sink, cinnamon toast splattering the white porcelain. Alexander heaved for a few more seconds before crumpling to the floor, breaths uneven.

He hadn’t eaten all too much in the last week, and had just gluttonously stuffed himself with  three slices of french toast along with a good serving of fruit. Not to mention with the memories of John _precious, undeserving John_ weighing on him, squeezing him, pressing harshly on his stomach, he couldn’t  keep it down. He crawled over to the toilet and lifted the lid. He rested his forehead on the seat for a few seconds before lifting himself up enough to lean over the bowl and retched violently until the last contents of his stomach was gone. For a few seconds after he spluttered and coughed. He reached over and grabbed some toilet paper to wipe his mouth with and threw it in the toilet before flushing and closing the lid. He stood slowly, bracing himself against the counter, whimpering quietly when he heard a knock on the door, pounding in time with his throbbing temples. “Alexander, are you alright?”

“Yeah…” Alexander choked out. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a few minutes Maria.” When he heard footsteps leading away from the door, he cracked open the window and began to clean the sink. Once it was spotless, his rinsed out his mouth and looked into the mirror. Dark hickies covered him, and he looked tired. So tired and beaten down. He smiled into the mirror but cringed to see it so he quickly stopped. His eyes and cheeks were far more sunken in than he remembered. His mind floated back to Christmas and he frowned. _Now’s not the time._ He took one last glance before heading out of the bathroom, struggling not to stumble. Maria stopped him in the hall.

“You’re so pale… What happened? Did I cook something wrong?” Maria looked guilty, clearly upset.

“No! No, everything was so good, I’m sorry for throwing up, i just, I think,...” Alexander trailed off.

“Were you thinking about John?” Alexander swallowed and nodded. “I’m so sorry Alexander, let’s get you to your room so you can lay down.”

“But the table’”

“I cleared it, it’s okay”

“And James?” Maria paused.

“He’s upset.” Alexander looked worried, just noticing the redness of Maria’s left cheek. “I’m fine, he thought it was my cooking...  Alexander, don’t give me that look, he was just upset that our morning was ruined.” Alexander looked down in shame as he let Maria pull him into his room and tuck him in. “It’s not your fault baby, just rest up.” Maria patted his cheek before leaving, shutting the door half way.

 

***

 

The two boys sat, watching T.V. Lafayette snuggled close beneath Hercules’ arm. Neither of them were really paying attention to the show, both of their minds elsewhere. Lafayette, chasing a question he knew he had wanted to as earlier, and Hercules silently wondering how just one man could be so beautiful. Lafayette snapped his fingers and shot up, startling Hercules from his blissful daze. Lafayette grabbed the remote and turned off the television before straddling Hercules’ lap. Hercules looked up at the frenchman in shock. _Did he have any sense of personal space? Or did he know what this did to Hercules?_ Hercules tried to fight off flushed cheeks, focusing on the boy’s eyes. _Bad idea._ “You distracted me when I was going to talk to you!” Hercules groaned, not wanting to deal with Lafayette’s prodding questions. “No, do not do that. Listen to me. Why did you turn so quickly on Alexander?” Hercules looked scandalized.

“Why? He _cheated_ on _John_ , I don’t care how nice he was before, John always comes…” Hercules paused and bit his lip as he felt a gentle sadness wash over him. “Always came first.” Lafayette frowned. “Besides that, the situation reminded me of Hugh.”

“Herc, I’m sorry,” Hercules shook his head.

“I knew Thomas was cheating on my brother, God I _knew_ , but I didn’t do anything. Didn’t stand up for him. And I thought if I stood up for John…” Hercules saged. “Maybe his fate would of been different. But it wasn’t.” Lafayette grabbed at tissue from the side table and gently wiped away the tear that had trickled down Hercules’ cheek. “But how come you didn’t? How come you didn’t just drop Alexander like me and Peggy?” Lafayette looked away, biting his lip.

“Oh, my other question-”

“Hey, no. You don’t get to do that.” Hercules shifted so that he was sitting straighter, more attentive. “I answered your question. Answer mine.” Lafayette sighed and picked at his shirt.

“I think… I think something else is going on with Alexander.” Hercules tilted his head. _What?_ “ I’m not saying that he didn’t cheat… I am just thinking that it may not have been… completely voluntary.”

“You mean, you think Thomas… Thomas rap-”

“No! Non, That’s not what I mean. Thomas is very cunning, might have tricked him into-”

“And that’s any better!?” Hercules stared at his friend in horror. “How long are you going to defend him for?” Hercules quieted his voice.

“I’m not defending him, I just-”

“You are, though!” Hercules struggled to calm down. “He could have _raped_ ” Lafayette cringed at the word. “Alexander, ruined his relationship with John and you mask it as ‘trickery’!? What the fuck, Laf!?” Lafayette put his hands on Hercules’ shoulders, begging him to calm down, to take deep breaths. Hercules complied, but continued to seethe.

“I do not even know if it was Thomas…”

“Who else would it be? Mr. Reynolds? Please, Thomas is the only one that’s been pining after Alexander that Alex showed any interest back in!” Lafayette sighed, nodding.

“I am, I am just worried, Herc. It is not like Alexander to cheat.” Hercules nodded, Bringing the Frenchman to his chest.

“We’ll ask him together, okay? _Both_ of them.”

 

***

 

Alexander was drifting peacefully between awareness and slumber, enjoying the darkness of his room when his phone began to ring. It took a few seconds before he was able to tear himself away from his bed and stumble to his desk, answering his phone. “Hello?”

_“Alexander, finally you picked up, I’ve been calling you all day!”_ Alexander frowned, not remembering having his ringer off or having any missed calls displayed on the top of his screen. _“I’m coming up, okay?”_

“Wait, what do you mean coming up, wh-” Alexander heard the thud of feet behind him and turned to see Burr, just now hanging up the call. “Are you crazy?” Alexander hissed. “Some one could have seen you!” Burr shrugged before taking in Alexander's appearance. Cautiously, he walk forward, ghosting his hand over Alexander’s chest. Alexander, looked away. “That’s pretty creepy, Aaron,” The darker skinned boy pulled his hand away.

“That doesn’t look good, Alexander…”

“It’s none of your damn buisness, _Aaron,”_

“Alex, seriously, I’m worried. You gotta get out of here, it’s not safe.”

“Fuck off, the fuck do you know about ‘safe’. Go choke on a dick,” Alexander turned back to his bed, irritated with his friend.

“Like how you choke on Jame-” Alexander spun back around, eyes narrow.

“Don’t. You. _Fucking_. Dare.”

“What? Tell you the truth? God, for someone who brags about being so fucking smart, you really are an idiot.”

“Shut _up!”_ Alexander lunged for Burr’s collar, but the other stepped out of the way, causing Alex to stumble.

“Quiet down, dammit. Talk less. Listen more.” Alexander sat heavily on his chair and stuck out his tongue. _This god damn thunder cunt was getting on his last fucking nerve._ “I can get you out, just if you follow my lead we can-”

“I don’t _want_ to leave. I’m safe here. I’m happy.” Burr raised an eyebrow.

“But you- No. Fine, I won’t fight with you Alexander, but if you come to you senses, call me.” Alexander didn’t turn to look as Burr crawled back out the window, Just leaned forward in his chair and put his head in his hands. _He was safe here. He was happy._

 

***

 

“What was the other thing?” Hercules whispered. It had been a little over fifteen minutes of the two of them holding each other, enjoying each other's company as Hercules played with his friend’s hair, but he was too curious now to wait any longer. Lafayette stopped tracing invisible designs into the other’s are and sat up.

“Where are we?” Hercules snorted.

“We’re at my house?” Lafayette shook his head.

“I mean… in our relationship….” Hercules blinked slowly before settling back into the couch.

“Well, you said you didn’t love me, then proceeded to drag me back to your place, fuck me, and never bring it up again, so I think I should be asking _you_ where we are.” Lafayette frowned.”Gil, I love you. Romantically. And I probably won't stop even if you're not interested, but I won't keep chasing after you if I’m not who you want, okay? Sure, I’m upset, but this ‘friends with benefits’ thing is making it worse.” Lafayette gulped.

“I, I do. I love you. Merde-” Gilbert sobbed. “I love you so much, but I’m _scared_ Herc! They’re going to think I’m faking it, faking being a boy just to, to be in the same _change room,_ I can’t-!”

“Hey, shh, it’s okay…” Hercules brought the trembling boy back to his chest, rocking him back and forth. “No one’s gonna think that. And if they do, I’ll punch them.” Lafayette sniffed, giggling. “Look, if you want, we don’t even have to be open about it. All I want to know is what I am to you…” Lafayette sat back up slowly, cupping the shorter man’s face in his hands.

“English… can not describe my feelings for you. No language can. ‘Everything’ does not even come how much you mean to me, what you are to me, mon petit Lapin. Je t'aime.” Lafayette swooped down, connecting their lips, setting off fireworks. In broken french, Hercules responded.

 

 

“Aussi je t'aime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lapin - Bunny  
> Je t'aim - I love you


	19. Knowledge, Both Old and New

Alexander sat with James in a tense silence, fingers tapping rhythmically against his knee as James drove. He wasn’t an idiot, he could tell that James was mad at him for ruining their weekend. He wanted to shout and scream at the older man,  _ John was dead, screw your fucking weekends,  _ but he knew he was the one in the wrong here. There was no need to act out like he he had done, no reason to cry like a bitch. John had been dead for a week now, and nothing was going to bring him back.  _ He just needs to move on.  _ His lips twitch. He can’t stand the silence any longer. “I’m so sorry James… god, I really am, I just-”

“You’re rambling.” James was firm, cold. Alexander winced. “And stop tapping your damn fingers Alexander.” Alex stilled his fingers, choosing to sit on them to make sure they wouldn’t move by accident. James took one glance at the distraught boy and sighed. He didn’t drop Alex off at the doors like usual, and instead parked with Alexander still with him. He turned off the car and took off his seatbelt, turning more fully to Alexander. “Take your seatbelt off and face me.” Alexander complied as quickly as he could. He grew nervous as his foster father’s eyes raked over him slowly. “You can make it up to me tonight. I expect you on your best fucking behavior today, so no trouble with  _ anyone _ . Understand?” Alexander nodded vigorously.  _ He could do that. He could be good for James.  _ James smiled sweetly cupping Alexander's face in one hand. “Good boy,” Alexander preened at the praise, almost purring as James ran a hand through his hair. “Now go on, class is going to start soon.” Alexander quickly got out of the car, wishing James a good day as he grabbed his bag before jogging back to the main entrance. Alexander was exhausted by the time he got there. He wondered if it was because of fatigue from lack of sleep…  _ No, he was just getting fatter. Lazier. He needed to stop eating. Yeah, that’s it, no lunch for today.  _ Alexander nodded to himself, though he briefly wondered if he was really good this week that maybe James would let him start taking his pills again.  _ But maybe it’s better not to push his luck.  _ He got inside and made it to his class room, sitting just before the first bell rung. Or maybe it was the second, he had been too spaced out to notice if one had rung already. He glanced between the two people that sat on either side of him. Hercules stared at him, guilt radiating off of him. Before the teacher began, he slid Alexander a quick note.

**_“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said what I did. Hang out at lunch, catch up a bit?”_ ** Alexander positively beamed. He scribbled down a quick yes, and Hercules beamed back. Alexander glanced at the frenchman on the other side of him and shared a small smile with him as well. Alexander felt so light that he could almost float away. 

 

 

***

 

It was awkward at first, trying to bridge the gap between the three of them, repair what they had lost before, but after they began talking everything else came easily. The dynamic they had before shone through the clouded, heavy layer of unsaid apologies and unasked questions. Hercules telling stories of his younger brother, Alexander throwing in short facts whenever Herc questioned his siblings behaviour, and Lafayette cracking jokes. I felt natural, like they were all made to find each other, but without John there....

 

 

_ “Guys, I’m  _ telling  _ you, he scaled the damn counter for  _ broccoli _!” _

_ “Herc, no offence, but I do not believe that  _ anyone _ in your family would willingly touch a vegetable,” Lafayette joked, nudging his friend playfully. _

_ “Wait, that could make sense,” John started before looking to his boyfriend. “Can that make sense?” Alexander pondered for a second before nodding. _

_ “Actually, didn’t your mother eat a bunch of broccoli when she was pregnant with him?” Alex questioned. Herc nodded firmly. _

_ “That she did.” _

_ “And breast feed him?” Herc nodded, confused as to where Alexander was going with this. “Makes sense then, considering what someone eats during pregnancy is what nourishes the baby, and a woman's breast milk can be flavored depending on what she eats.” _

_ “ _ What?”  _ John was bewildered. “That’s insane.” Alexander chuckled. “Why do you know that?” Alexander blinks. _

_ “I… I actually have no idea why.” The group laughed, finding the answer absurd. The way John grinned, laughed, how his eyes went wide at new information, Alexander loved it. _

 

 

He had stopped talking by now.  _ He still loved it.  _ That wasn’t all that was missing though. John's tendency to ask strange questions always helped keep conversations lively, but John was the only one who could find middle ground. Sure, he had strong opinions, but he could almost always find middle ground, whereas Hercules and Alex stuck to their guns, and Lafayette didn’t like fighting, but was never really in favour of compromises either, always trying to find what side of the argument was the right one.

 

 

_ “Al, I’m just saying you work yourself too hard. You need to take a break!” _

_ “The world doesn’t wait for people to take breaks!” _

_ “Fucking Hell, you’re only sixteen!” Alexander rolled his eyes. He needed this essay  _ done.  _ Why didn’t Herc understand that? _

_ “Herc is right, Alexandre. Come, let us get you home and to bed.” Alexander groaned in exasperation. He wasn’t even tired! And now Lafayette was ganging up on him? Who was next, John? _

_ “Guys, it’s only four in the afternoon.” _

_ “Hah!” Alexander felt victorious, John was on his side. _

_ “But he needs sleep, John!” Lafayette protested. _

_ “I agree.”  _ What.

_ “But you just-” John shushed Alexander, looking at the boy sternly. _

_ “You need sleep, but you need to get into a proper sleeping schedule first.” Alexander let out a whine from the back of his throat. It was Lafayette’s turn to look smug. “So you’ll go to bed,  _ and fall asleep,” John emphasized “ _ at nine tonight. I’ll make sure of it.’ Lafayette snorted, sticking his tongue out at Alexander. “But for now, get that essay done.” Alexander smirked, blowing a raspberry back at Lafayette. “Hey, both of you cut it out, you’ll put each other in a mood. Both scoffed. _

_ “I do not get in a ‘mood’!” Hercules laughed loudly, causing the frenchman to blush and glare at the shorter boy. Hercules didn’t stop laughing. _

_“Excuse you,_ Jonathan, _” Lafayette and Hercules stopped their respective pouting and laughing to ‘ooo’ at Alexander’s use of John's full name. “I_ _am not, will not, and have never been in a ‘mood’. Understand?” John snorted and kissed Alexander's cheek, easily defusing his boyfriend’s attitude._

_ “Of course not, baby doll.” _

 

 

“Alexander, hey buddy, breathe.” Alexander sucked in a deep breath. “There you go, now exhale, nice and slow for me,” Alexander slowly let out his breath. He blinked a few times. When did they get to the court yard? “You okay Al?” Hercules was the one sitting with him, concern plastered on his face. Before he could stop himself, a question he had been holding back slipped past his lips. 

“Why are you being nice to me?” Hercules looked taken aback. “I mean, you were so upset with me, why the sudden one-eighty?” Alexander masked his voice as calm, but he was secretly terrified of the answer.  _ Is there something he wants from him? What does he want? People don’t forgive that easily…  _ Hercules sighed.

“I’m still upset with you.” Alexander flinched. Hard.  _ He was just faking it to get something out of him, of course.  _ “But I talked to Laf,” Laf gave him a stern look. “Or, well, Laf hunted me down and forced me to talk to him, and I realized that you really don’t deserve the shit I’ve been saying to you.” Alexander blinked.  _ Yes he did. _

“Yes I do.” Hercules frowned. 

“What, no, Alex, I was unnecessarily cruel, you don’t-”

“I do though,” Alexander stood up, feeling panic rise. He wasn’t really sure why, but something felt wrong about the situation.

“Mon ami, you don’t. Listen to us-”

“I cheated on him! I can’t come back from that, that’s the worst thing you could do to someone! And then he killed himself-” Alexander’s voice broke. “...he killed himself because of me.” He finished, tears rolling freely down his face. “I killed him…” He whispered.

“Alex, no, I didn’t mean it when I said that, it was never your fault…”

“Oui, mon petit lion, it was John’s choice, he-”

**_“A choice he wouldn’t have made if I wasn’t a fucking slut for once in my fucking life!_** **”** Alexander nearly roared, his pent up frustration and anger with himself exploding. Alexander quickly realized his mistake and covered his mouth, shocked at his own outburst, praying that no one would tell James about this. _That’s what he was. A slut. He seduced Frederick, seduced James, just because he couldn’t keep it in his fucking pants._ Both Lafayette and Hercules stared at him, gazes soaked in pity. _Why did everyone pity him? It was his own fucking fault!_

“Alexander... “ Lafayette whispered. “Come sit down…” Alexander stayed put. “S’il te plait, mon ami, we just want to talk. We just have a question. Then, if you really want, you can leave.” Alexander didn’t move.

“Fine,” Hercules sighed. “You don’t have to sit down. But can we still ask?” Alexander paused before nodding meekly. Hercules looked expectantly at Lafayette, to which the french man stared back. Finally, Herc let out a long exhale and asked. “Did you consent to it?”

Alexander froze, his mind riling. He didn’t know what he expected the question to be, but it certainly wasn’t that.  _ Was it consensual?  _ He didn’t know. He was drugged into oblivion when it was with Frederick,and it was always a little forced when it was with James, but he never  _ really _ tried to get either of them to stop, so it must have been consensual right?  _ That answer didn’t sit well in his stomach.  _ Apparently he had been silent too long, because Hercules had a controlled rage set on his face and Lafayette looked close to tears. Alexander didn’t know what to do.  _ He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe.  _ “I need to get to class,” he choked out, slinging his bag over his shoulder. He hurried back to the school, glancing over his shoulders a few times. No one chased after him.

 

***

 

Thomas was irritated.

He hadn’t seen Alexander all day, and the boy hadn’t responded to any of his texts. A shame too, considering he was going to ask the boy out today.  _ Maybe he’d be in debate.  _ As he strolled down the halls to the after school club, the last thing expected was to be shoved back into a wall. “What the fuck!?”

“What the  _ Hell  _ did you do to Alexander?” Hercules hissed, fire dancing in his eyes.

_ “What?”  _ Thomas asked. Hercules growled.

“Did you seriously think we wouldn’t find out about you fucking  _ raping  _ hi-”

“Hercules, that is enough!” Lafayette pulled the boy away from Thomas. “I’m sorry Thomas, he-”

“Are you kidding me!? Alexander just said-”

“He didn’t say anything!”

“His silence was answer enough-”

“What’s going on!?” Thomas shouted over the two of them, clearly rattled, unusual compared to his normal, suave exterior. Lafayette held Hercules back from pouncing on the other man again.

“We... “ Lafayette began slowly, picking out his words so that he wouldn’t offend his friend. “We asked Alexander if what had happened between you two was consensual, and… he didn’t really answer the question, so we wanted to ask you your side of the story…” Hercules seethed, clearly protective and angry. Thomas cooly regained his composure before answering.

“Listen, you can’t tell anyone I said this,  _ especially _ Alexander,” He couldn’t believe he was about to betray Alexander’s trust. But his angel wasn’t going to know anyways, so there wasn’t really a problem. “but we didn’t actually fuck.” The two stared at Thomas, their confusion clear as day. Thomas elaborated. “I don’t know what’s going on with Alexander, but he called me up and begged me to pretend I was the one he cheated with. I don’t know anything else, but I think it wasn’t a complete lie. He definitely cheated, I saw the hickies, I just don’t know with who.”

“How the Hell are we supposed to believe that?” Hercules asked. Thomas shrugged. “I mean, you’ve been after him ever since he got here, and he always flirted back, I don’t- I don’t-”

“Perfect cover, right?” Lafayette stared at him in disbelief. “He wouldn’t tell me what was going on, but I think it’s because whoever it was might’ve been too old for him and he didn’t want them to get in trouble, but that’s just my best guess. I was going to go over and see him after school anyways if he doesn’t show up to debate, so I’ll ask him then, alright?” And with that Thomas left the two boys standing in shock at the new information.

“Oh, Alexandre…” Lafayette whispered. All Hercules could do was nod in agreement.

 

***

 

Thomas scowled slightly to himself. Alexander hadn’t been at debate, and Angelica had no idea where he was either. Thomas strolled down Alexander’s street and knocked on the door he knew to be Alexander’s.  _ He had to be home if not at school, right?  _ What he wasn't expecting was a familiar female face to appear. Thomas’ eyes widened, but he slowly melted his resolve into a mischievous smirk. “Maria, what a surprise. May I come in?”

 

_ Sure, his plans may have changed a bit, but he found dirt on Reynolds and there was no way in Hell he wasn’t going to put it to good use. _

 


	20. Saviour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit short, but I hope you enjoy!

Alexander startled when he heard Maria’s voice ring from the living room, announcing a visitor’s presence.  _ Who would be here?  _ James cursed against Alexander’s neck and pulled away, putting back on his discarded shirt. A quiet whine sounded from Alexander’s throat before he could stop it. Embarrassed, he watched James chuckle and press a kiss to his nose. “You’re being so good for me sweetheart. Just stay here and wait, okay? I’ll be back.” Alexander nodded readily. James smiled and kissed him quick before leaving to the living room, asking who had come. 

Alexander sat and relaxed back against the headboard, glad to have some time to compose himself. He knew that a single wrong move would push James over the edge, and he was terrified of what would happen if he didn’t do exactly what he was told, although a little part of him wanted to rebel, run away, fight back. He entertained this part of him for a few seconds before his mind wandered to when he was locked in the closet, voice raw from screaming and he shuddered. “Swallow your fucking pride Alexander. Do what you're told, and keep your mouth  _ shut, _ ” He scolded himself before letting his mind drift elsewhere for the time being.

 

***

 

Out of all the people James expected to see, it wasn’t Thomas Jefferson. The kid sat comfortably on the couch making small talk with his wife, his posture relaxed. Or, well, it looked like small talk. “James!” The kid sounded happy.  _ Way too fucking happy.  _ “I didn’t know you were a pimp?” James was startled by the how casually the line was delivered, but as soon as the words settled in, he was glaring at Maria, a calm rage settling on his face. She was quick to scurry out of the room, leaving the two alone. James pondered for a second, debating whether or not to play it off.  _ Play it off as what?  _ He groaned.

“The fuck do you want, kid?” Thomas grinned.

“Straight to the point, no huge denial, I like it.” James rolled his eyes. “Now you know that my father’s a regular, probably you main business partner, right?” James nodded slowly. “So, what I’m offering,” Thomas took out a checkbook from his bag, waving it slightly. “Is half price for Alexander.” James stared at the kid.  _ What.  _ “Don’t look at me like that. I’m still paying, and you get my silence. Sounds like a pretty one sided deal to me.”

“Alex isn’t for sale.” He responded simply, causing Thomas to raise his eyebrows. “Besides, it’s not like anyone’d believe you, your silence means horse shit to me.” Thomas frowned.

“Really?” James had to admit, the kid was good at making him nervous. “My family is very influential, James. Not to mention I have Hemings who would most definitely testify against you in court”  _ The little cunt would, free of charge too.  _ “And even if we couldn't get you arrested, child services would come in, take Alexander. Your relationships in the inner circle? Destroyed. Sounds like too any burned bridges to me, James.” Thomas was standing now, looming over the older man. James swallowed and clenched his teeth.  _ He couldn’t afford severed connections. _

“Fine. Fifty bucks a night,  _ only you are allowed to touch him”  _ Thomas smirked. “And you keep  _ quiet.”  _ Thomas nodded, holding out his hand. 

“Deal.”

 

***

 

Alexander was roused from his daydreaming by Maria bustling into the room, near tears. “Hey, what’s wrong? Who’s here?” Maria made her way over to the bed and wrapped her arms tight around Alexander.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” The woman sobbed and Alexander held her to his chest.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Maria shook her head. “Shh, shh, can you tell me what happened?”

“I told him…” Maria whispered. “I told him what James was up to and he’s going to be angry. Fuck I can’t even keep my mouth shut, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m scared, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” Maria sobbed harder and alexander was at a loss for words.  _ Told who what? Why was she sorry?  _ His mind was running at a mile a minute, but the woman latched onto him was in no condition to talk. He opted to rub soothing circles into her back instead. Alexander looked up when the door reopened, James stepping into the room.

“Get the fuck off of him.” Maria moved away quick, already on the other side of the bed in less than a second. “Alex, sweetheart, I need you to get up.” Alexander looked confused, but stood obediently. James went into Maria’s wardrobe and picked out a small, black dress before nodding. “Take this and go pretty yourself up, okay darlin’? You’re going out tonight.” Alexander stared at the dress and then at James. 

“Where are we going?” 

“ _ You  _ are going with Thomas.”

“Thomas is here?” James sighed.

“Yes, now stop asking questions.” James thrusted the dress into Alexander's arms and Alexander headed for the bathroom. “Maria, be useful for once in your fucking life and help him.” Maria hesitated. “Don’t fucking make me ask you again, you ungrateful whore!” Maria ran after Alex, quick to get away from the fuming man. When she met up in the bathroom with the boy, the dress was already on, and he was marveling at how well it fit. She giggled quietly, trying to lighten her own mood.

“Do you like it? It’s one of my old ones.” Alexander looked at her and timidly responded.

“How old is it?”

“Well, I got it when I was thirteen-”

“Thirteen?” Alex asked.  _ He fit in clothes made for a thirteen year old girl, how comforting.  _ “Why do you still have it?”

“James wanted me to keep it.”

“...How old were you guys when you met?” Maria thought for a second.

“Well, I was thirteen, hence the dress... and I think he was twenty at the time.” Alexander stared at her wide eyed as she got the make up from the cabinet. “Hey, don’t judge me, okay? Love is love, regardless of age.” Alexander tried not to cringe at the comment. Sure, he was ten when he was ‘with’ Frederick who was in his early thirties, but he didn’t really consider that… completely consensual. “Hey, um… I’m so sorry for this, I really am. I didn’t think...” Maria trailed off.

“I, I don’t really understand what’s going on, but it’s okay… Just, keep safe?” Maria gave the boy a small smile.

“Thank you, hon…” Alexander tried to lift the weighted mood.

“Why a dress? I got a closet full of clothes.” It was a shit attempt at some kind of joke, but Maria laughed anyways. 

“No idea. Hop up on the counter, I’m going to shave your legs.” Alexander followed orders obediently, keeping up light chatter with the woman. She was quick to finish, only half an hour and Alexander was shaven clean, including the peach fuzz that began to grow on his chin. He smoothed the fitted dress and looked in the mirror.  _ He looked like a girl.  _ It didn’t really look bad, but it just wasn’t… him. It was a her.  _ And he wasn’t a her.  _ Light blush, smoky eyes, winged eyeliner and ruby lips. He hated it, but he didn’t want to mention it. He briefly wondered if this was how Lafayette had felt before he began to transition before he slipped on the ballet flats that Maria had went to get him at some point and smiled wearily.

“Don’t try and make James anymore upset, okay?” Maria nodded and smiled gently.

“Of course not. You look beautiful…” Alexander inwardly cringed. “Thomas is waiting in the livingroom.” Alexander nodded before pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek and made his way into the living room. James and Thomas were discussing payment, and he couldn’t help but feel betrayed.  _ Maybe he did need to get out of here.  _ Thomas glanced to the doorway, and when seeing the boy that stood in it, whistled lowly. James turned to see, smile stretching across his face before dropping it. Thomas stood from the couch and offered his hand. Alexander let out a long exhale before taking it.

 

*** 

 

The two boys sat silently in the back of a taxi before pulling up to a large house.  _ Again with the fucking pillars.  _ Thomas payed the driver, stepped out of the cab and walked around to open the door for Alexander. As soon as the taxi sped off, Thomas spoke. “Are you okay?” Alexander looked at the taller man as if he grew another head.

“Fuck no, you massive dick hole! What do you think? My fucking foster father just  _ sold  _  me to someone I  _ thought _ was a friend and do you fucking know what Maria said!? Sorry! Like sorry’s going to fix this steaming hot pile of  **_bullshit!”_ ** Mascara ran down Alexander’s cheeks, and Thomas was quick to console him.

“No, no angel, no, I’m not, I wasn’t going to do anything without your consent. That place just, it isn’t safe for you, I wanted to get you out.” Alexander sniffled, looking up at his tall friend with a trusting, yet cautious stare. “I promise, beautiful. Let’s get you inside and into some comfy clothes, okay? You don’t look happy in those.” Alexander nodded, chin crinkling as he tried to hold back tears. He let his friend sweep him off his feet and carry him into the mansion.

“Thank you…” Alexander choked out. He hadn’t realized how truly terrified he was at home until Thomas got him away.  _ Maybe Burr was right…  _ “Thank you…” He repeated, tears and mascara freely running down his face. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” He curled closer to Thomas, shoulders shaking.

“Shh, baby angel, I have you… you’re safe here. Don’t worry.” Before Alexander new it, he was dumped onto a bed. He let out a loud, desperate whine when he felt Thomas pull away. “I’ll be back, I’m just going to grab a shirt and boxers for you, Angel.”

“Sweater?” Alex asked, voice cracking.  _ He wanted sweaters and cuddles, he wanted to feel safe again. He wanted Joh- no. He wanted Thomas.  _ Thomas called back an affirmative response and was quick to come back with the items he said he’d get, along with a warm washcloth. He helped Alexander out of the dress and into his own clothes, the sweater engulfing the small boy completely. He wiped of the remaining make-up from the boy’s face, and as soon as he was done, Alexander latched onto him.

“Do you want to watch some shows?” Alexander nodded against the larger boy’s chest, and Thomas situated them both against his headboard among the many plush pillows before turning on the TV adjacent to his bed, returning the strong hold that the smaller boy had on him.

 

All Thomas knew was he needed to keep the poor, tortured boy away from harm's way.  _ Needed to keep him here, all to himself. _


	21. Emotions, Cake and Beer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, so Spanish is completely lost on me, so feel free to correct it if you know how! Same goes for the French. Enjoy!

_“Un, deux, trois, un deux trois! Bravo Alexandre!” Alexander beamed up at his father, still holding onto his brother tight after the quick waltz they had practiced. “Qu'est-ce tu dit? Dans anglais?” Alexander thought for a second, tiny lips squeezed together as his brother muttered small words of encouragement._

_“Th-Thanking you?” Alexander’s accent was layered thick over the language, his mouth struggling to form the English words._

_“Très proche! Thank you.”_

_“Thank you!” Alexander repeated. He squealed in delight as his brother picked him up and spun him in the air, praising Alexander for his skill in the language._

_“Pas de bêtise dans ma cuisine!” Alexander’s mother demanded, though the laughter in her voice was evident. James sat the small boy into a chair, grinning innocently at his mother as his father chuckled heartily._

_“Ah, c'est pas de problème Rachel,” The woman scowled at her husband before breaking out into a smile. “J’ai pensé nous peut aller à la plage aujourd'hui?” James cheered and Alexander squealed. “Qu'est que c'est plage dans espangol, Alexandre?”_

_“Beach!”_

_“Non, non, Alexandre!” the man laughed. “Dans espagnole.”_

_“Playa! Alli es pescados, agua y arena!” Alexander had a much better hold on Spanish, almost as good as his French. James clapped and nodded happily._

_“Magnifique!”_

 

Alexander woke up slow, eyes blinking lazily. Sun had just begun to filter into the large room, covering furniture in hues of gold and pink. Alexander shifted slightly to look up at the boy holding him. Alexander had never felt safer in his life, pressed close to the softly snoring man. Alexander could feel his heart began to swell. He struggled to squash the feeling. What about John? Is he seriously going to forget about him so soon? He slowly traced patterns on the strong chest his head rested on, trying not to admire the way the muscles beneath it tensed and relaxed, unknowingly flexing. Alexander could feel his face go hot as he could feel his interests growing. He cursed quietly as the man’s thigh shifted, brushing against his groin. “Like what you see, beautiful?”

With a yelp, Alexander shot up, fully awake now, his face turning from pink to red in embarrassment. “How long have you been awake?”

“Just woke up, Angel. Don’t worry though, I know you were jacking off,” Alexander stared at the lounging man in disbelief.

“I was not!”

“Really?” Thomas sat up and flexed, striking a few silly poses. “I mean, how could you not?” Alexander giggled as the curly haired man made a kissy face, lips as puckered as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Cut it out, tonto.” Thomas grinned and leaned inward.

“Ooh, what’s that mean? Sexy? Handsome?” Alexander shoved him away playfully.

“No, it means goofball you idiot. Didn’t you take Spanish?” Thomas shook his head.

“I took French instead.” Alexander raised his eyebrows.

“As if your southern drawl wasn’t sexy enough, now you’ve learned the language of love? Everyone hide your lovers, Thomas Jefferson’s gonna steal them away with his silver tongue.” Thomas scoffed.

“Yeah, sure. My accent butchers the langua- wait.” A smirk stretched across Thomas’ face, and slowly (slightly seductively), he crawled over to Alexander. Alexander leaned back in time with the other boy’s advancements, so by the time Thomas had gotten over to him, straddling his hips, Alexander lay flat on his back, hair spilled around his head. “You think my accent is sexy, huh, baby angel?” Thomas practically purred, his cheshire grin still plastered on his face. Alexander blushed and stuttered for a few seconds before settling on an appropriate answer.

“That was sarcasm, jackass!” Thomas pressed a quick kiss to Alexander’s nose, laughing as the boy’s blush grew impossibly brighter.

“If it’s of any consolation, beautiful, I think your accent’s very cute when you’re not hiding it,” Alexander rolled his eyes, trying to preserve what little chill he had.

“Yeah, I guess for being illegal I’m pretty cute.” Thomas snorted.

“I was testing you! Don’t tell me you have a grudge from when we first met!”

“I have a grudge, and I’m never letting it go, Mr. Sex God!”

“Ooh, Sex God, huh? I usually just go with ‘Daddy’ or ‘Sir’, but i think I can grow to like the name you’ve chosen for me,” Alexander groaned.

“Shut up, we need to get to school.” Thomas immediately frowned.

“What? Really? You actually want to go to school?”

“Um, yes?”

“Alex, angel, I don’t think it’s safe there, you know, with Reynolds…” Alexander frowned, remembering his class with his foster father. “How about you stay one more night? At least? We don’t have to go to school today, we can just stay here and take a break. My parents aren’t here and staff are on holiday, so it’ll just be us beautiful.” Alexander pondered the notion, rather enjoying the idea of a day alone with Thomas, maybe actually get to know his friend.

“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds nice.” Thomas grinned excitedly.

“Then let us begin!”

***

Thomas gave the Caribbean a tour of the expansive house. Alexander couldn’t help but gasp in awe at each room, fully furnished with furniture from different eras. Who the Hell owned an Iron Maiden, the fuck? When Alexander voiced his disbelief, Thomas only laughed and shrugged, asking Alex if he wanted to step inside. Alexander glared at the tall man poutily until he was dragged into the next room. Next was the pool (A fucking indoor pool), one of the kitchens, the family sitting room (opposed to the massive one on the first floor), and the last stop, the music room.

Alexander stared at the room, a strange and overwhelming feeling of nostalgic melancholy filling him. Thomas slowed his narrative to a stop as Alexander slowly made his way to the grand piano, gently tapping a few of the ivory keys. Thomas smiled sweetly. “My girlfriend plays when she’s over. I usually accompany her on cello.” Alexander looked over at the taller boy.

“Girlfriend? What? Since when?” Thomas shrugged, strolling over to the boy.

“Since before I was born. She’s older than me by a year.”

“Uh, care to elaborate, Mr. Mysterious?” Thomas chuckled and turned Alexander to face him completely.

“Fine, nosy.” Alexander stuck out his tongue. “I’ve been in an arranged marriage with Martha Wayles forever, gotta keep the money growing, right?” Alexander nodded, urging the boy to continue. “She was pretty adamant on me never finding anyone else until she came to the realization that she’s a full blown lesbian.” Alexander snorted as Thomas wiggled his hands sarcastically. “I was a little upset, but I’m pretty sure I only liked her because she seemed to like me. We’re good friends though, so we agreed that we can date whoever we want despite our responsibility to be married. I don’t know if that will continue after we’re married, but I’m pretty sure it will considering she has a long term girlfriend who’s fine with the whole arrangement.”

“Oh…” Alexander nodded. That was a lot of information to take in. Alexander sat on the piano stool. “Are your parents okay with that?”

“Oh yeah, they don’t give a shit. They have the same arrangement.” Alexander blinked and Thomas chuckled at the reaction. “My father hires Maria a lot, that’s how I was able to get you outta there, at least for a little bit.”

“You knew?” Alexander was startled. How long did he know? How full of secrets is that hair of his?

“Only figured it out since Maria opened the door. Didn’t know James was her pimp.”

“So… you blackmailed him? Thomas, the fuck is wrong with you?” Thomas scowled, face contorting from a light expression to one of rage as quick as the flip of a switch.

“I did it to get you out of there! The fuck is wrong with me?” Alexander stepped away from the angry boy, but found himself caught between Thomas and the piano. “You’re the one who asked me pretend to fuck you so you could defend that abusive prick!”

“It wasn’t him, Thomas!”

“So he actually whored you out!?” Thomas seized the small boy by the shoulders, staring deep into the frightened eyes.

“No! He wouldn’t-” Alexander faltered. He would, wouldn’t he? Tears gathered at the corners of Alexander’s eyes. “That… that’s not what happened, but, I just, I, I’m scared you’ll get yourself hurt, Tommy…” Thomas melted at the affectionate nickname, just now realizing his mistake as he loosened his grip. Alexander sobbed softly. “Too m-many people get hurt because of me-me, and I, I-!” Thomas gathered the boy into his arms, letting him cry.

“I’m sorry Angel, I didn’t mean to get upset... Do you want to go back to the drawing room? Explain to me what’s going on with you? I’m worried about you, Beautiful.” Alexander nodded against the boy’s chest, not giving any sign of protest as he was picked up and carried out of the room and sat down on a plush couch.

“I’m sorry for crying, it’s just,” Alexander wiped at his eyes. “It’s been a little too much to handle recently, you know?” Thomas nodded. “And,” Alexander laughed at himself. “I’ve always been a bit of a crybaby anyways.” Thomas stroked his cheek affectionately.

“That’s fine. You’re allowed to cry.” Alexander smiled.

“I think you’re the first person to ever say that to me…” Thomas shrugged, offering a soft smile back.

“It’s natural, don’t be ashamed of it. Now, did you still want to talk?”

***

The two boys were in the kitchen, roaring with laughter as they alternated between attempting to bake a cake and chucking the ingredients at each other. Alexander had earlier spilled his heart out to Thomas, talking about his previous arrangement with Fredrick, how the man had come back, how Alexander blamed himself and didn’t want to be moved so he made up the story between him and Thomas. Even after some prodding had admitted to sleeping with James, although didn’t think of it as anything less than mutual, albeit slightly forced.

Alexander clambered onto the kitchen counter with an egg in hand, desperate to get away from Thomas’s vicious attacks of flour. Once he was standing on the counter he chucked the egg at the boy's head, laughing maniacally as it splattered against his skull, egg shell and broken yolk caught in the perfect curls. “Take that, ya egghead!” Thomas touched a hand to his hair and nearly screamed at the mess of it.

“You little gremlin!” Thomas made a grab for Alexander, but the small boy was able to jump off of the counter and out of the way before he could. He tried to sprint out of the kitchen, but Thomas had pivoted and wrapped his arms around his waist tight before he could escape. Alexander squealed as Thomas picked him up and slung him over his shoulder. “You’re not allowed down until we’re done baking.”

“Au contraire!” Alexander wrapped his legs around Thomas’s chest propping himself back upright. Thomas was quick to grab his hips, making sure the boy wouldn’t fall. Alexander slid down so his legs were around the tall boy’s upper waist, their noses touching. Alexander froze. “Oh, uh, hi there…”

“Hey there, Angel…” Thomas whispered, eyes fixed on Alexander’s lips. Alexander noticed and licked them nervously. Thomas slowly leaned forward, and immediately Alexander snapped out of it, taking the small pile of flour he had previously placed in the sweater pocket and shoved it in Thomas’ face.

Thomas shouted in surprise and dropped the boy in favor of rubbing the thick powder out of his eyes. Alexander landed flat on his ass and cringed in pain before forcing himself to laugh. To be honest, he was kind of scared as to what Thomas would do back. Had he gone too far? But all Thomas did was drop to the ground in front of the boy and stole a quick kiss, lips still covered in flour. Alexander’s face flushed and once Thomas had pulled away, he had to stop himself from leaning in for more.

After the high of it, both of the boys spluttered for a few seconds, flour sticking to their tongues as they desperately tried to rid themselves of it. After a few minutes of simultaneous choking and wiping, Thomas burst out laughing, causing Alexander to follow with short bursts of giggles.

***

By the time the cake was finished and ready to be frosted, the two boys had already cleaned both themselves and the kitchen. Alexander was discomforted after Thomas had washed his hair. He looked weird with his hair flat. He chose not to comment though in fear of Thomas’ retaliation being with the bag of flour that had yet to be closed. They were about to start icing, Alexander’s hands already wrapped around the tube of green, pasty sugar before Thomas stopped him. “Wait, wait, wait, green? We’re making the base _green?_ ”

“What’s wrong with the color green?” Thomas took the frosting out of Alexander’s hands and chuckled condescendingly. Alex stepped away from the cake and crossed his arms defensively.

“Please, nothing’s wrong with the _color_ green, just why would you ever make a _cake_ green? You’re not supposed to eat green things, it’s an off color.” Alexander raised his eyebrows.

“Have you ever _seen_ a vegetable?” Thomas looked taken aback.

“Yeah, sure, but this is something sweet, vegetables aren’t.”

“Fine. What about pears? Apples? Grapes?” Thomas huffed and held up the tube.

“This is _moss green._ It doesn’t look fresh, doesn’t look like anything you should consume.” Alexander saw his point, but didn’t feel like admitting defeat.

“Then why do you have it?”

“For cake detailing, obviously, not the whole damn thing.”

“Fine, but you said green as a whole.”

“ _You_ said green as a whole.” Alexander pouted irritably.

“Screw off.” Thomas rolled his eyes and leaned in close to Alexander, smirking.

“I prefer to ‘screw on’, beautiful,” Alexander flushed, stuttering as he shoved the man away.

“Just decorate the damn cake, ass wipe. Teach me your ways.” Thomas smiled and pulled Alexander in front of him, hands on the boy’s waist and pressed his broad chest against the other’s slim back as he began the instructions.

***

The two boys sat on the couch, a plate of cake in each of their hands. They looked at each other from across the couch and nodded, both taking a bite.

Alexander couldn’t stop himself from moaning at the taste. The sweet confection was dense and moist, sweetness dancing across his taste buds. His eyes drifted closed as he savored the bite. He opened them again when he felt eyes on him, piercing his skin. Thomas was watching him, a light blush on his cheeks as he slowly chewed. Alexander realized how overly sexual his actions were and blushed for what felt like the millionth time that day. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t realize-”

“I don’t mind.” Thomas smiled, feigning innocence to what his words implied. Alexander rolled his eyes as his blush reached his neck and ears.

“Cut it out, you cock sock.” Thomas snorted and went back to eating, making a short comment appreciating how well the cake turned out. Alexander nodded in agreement and took a few more bites before setting the plate down, barely touched.

“Are you not finishing?” Thomas looked at Alexander with a small frown.

“Oh, no, I’m full thank you.”

“No wonder you look so thin and feminine, you barely eat!” Alexander’s stomach dropped at the word feminine. He was a boy for fuck’s sake.

“I’m not a girl, and I’m not feminine, Thomas,” Alexander scowled.

“I never called you a girl. And what’s wrong with being feminine? It’s not like women are inf-”

“I’m not saying anything against women, I’m just, I’m _not_ a girl, and I’m _not_ feminine!” Akexander repeated himself, frustration evident on his face. Thomas frowned seeing the boy so distressed.

“Hey, hey… Come ‘here.” Thomas sat upright and opened his arms. Alexander stared at him for a few seconds before hesitantly crawling over to the older boy, resting against his chest. “Talk to me Beautiful, talk to me...” Alexander settled and closed his eyes, trying to hold back tears.

“I’m sorry, just after last night…” Alexander sighed. “I’m sorry.” Thomas decided not to push the subject, not really wanting to deal with another heavy subject today, no matter how much he wanted Alexander to confide in him.

“Wow, it’s already six?” Thomas had glanced at the clock on the wall, surprised by how quickly the time had passed. Alexander hummed curiously until his heart skipped a beat.

“Is James going to be mad? I don’t want him to be upset again, did you pay him for tonight too? Fuck, I don’t want you to waste your money, I-” Alexander had tried to squirm away, but Thomas held the boy to his chest.

“Shh, it’s okay. Don’t worry, I’ll pay. Money doesn’t mean much to me, have you seen this place?” Alexander let himself chuckle softly, happy the other boy was quick to defuse his panic, although the underlying doubt and guilt lingered. “Hey, how about a movie? We can go upstairs, back to my old room and-”

“Wait, wait, old room?”

“Yeah, the one I’m in now doesn’t have a T.V.”

“Show me your actual room first, then we can watch a movie.” Thomas nodded.

“Only if I can carry you. I don’t feel like letting you go,” Thomas pouted and held Alex closer. Alexander laughed before nodding, giggling in delight when Thomas easily scooped him up, running off with the light boy in his arms.

***

James bit at his thumbnail, pacing the hall. Maria was out, luckily enough for her considering he was about to snap. Alexander hadn’t been a school and hadn’t come home and James was just as much worried as he was upset. He kicked the empty wastebasket and watched it tumble down the hall. He stalked to the kitchen and grabbed a beer out of the fridge, twisting it open and finishing it in a few swift chugs before reaching for another one. Might as well drink the emptiness and boredom away, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations  
> Très proche - Very close  
> Qu'est-ce tu dit? Dans anglais - What do you say? In English  
> Pas de bêtise dans ma cuisine - No foolery in my kitchen  
> C'est pas de problème - It's not a problem  
> J’ai pensé nous peut aller à la plage aujourd'hui - I thought we could all go to the beach today  
> Qu'est que c'est plage dans espangol? - What's beach in Spanish?  
> Playa! Alli es pescados, agua y arena - Beach! There's fish, water and sand  
> Au contraire! - On the contrary! 
> 
> Sorry this took a while to update, I just had a hard time figuring out how Thomas and Alexander would interact. I hope you enjoyed!


	22. Fairy Lights, Lightning Bugs and Cool Streams, All Within A Memory of a Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, I'm aliiiive *jazz hands*  
> I'm sorry for not updating, excuses and what not are all bellow. Um, please enjoy this chapter though! Thank you for sticking around.

_Alexander tilted his head back, unkempt hair gently brushing against his bare shoulder blades as his nose pointed skyward bound. He gaped in awe, eyes transfixed on the shimmering whites and golds that contrasted celestially with the vast darkness that distanced each star so greatly, a deep backdrop to their bold luminosity. Like a wall behind dangling fairy lights. A canopy of rich greens just barely obstructed his view, and he reached out for the warm, gentle palm he knew was resting slack at the side of the Aphrodite beside him. Soft fingers intertwined with his nimble ones, and he let out a bubbling laugh, joyfully disturbing the heavy, awe-inspired silence that hung between the two creatures foreign to the surrounding area._

_Suddenly, the thick forest around them burst to life, small flashes of light coming from within it’s depths, small insects striving to be like the lights of heaven that twinkled and gleamed above them. A light summer breeze filtered through the trees, grasshoppers insistently rubbed their wings, and you could distantly hear the shy croak of a frog. The most compelling noise of all was the river, cool water trickling down miniature waterfalls, lapping at rocks and steadily flowing downstream. Down, down and away, ever changing. Ever shifting. Alexander let out a soft and slow exhale, scared any sudden or loud movements would make it all disappear. He let his eyelids flutter shut and breathed in deep, the smell of dew covered grass and freshwater invading his senses, stilling the ever-turning gears inside his brain. The ever changing, ever shifting river of thoughts lapping at the inside of his skull and trickling down miniature cliffs of self-doubt and hatred. Halting this stream and letting him sit with every idea, thought and feeling he experienced in that moment, smoothing the miniature, yet jagged cliffs into rounded, gentler mentions of helpful self-betterment and improvement. “It’s beautiful…” The shy whisper from the girl beside him caused his river to begin flowing yet again, but only this time more steadily. More relaxed._

_“As are you…” He whispered offhandedly, still enraptured by the scene. He didn’t realize that the girl stood helplessly enamored._

_“Alex, please, you know…”_

_“I know.” He turned to the girl. “Eliza, I…” He almost leaned in. Her round face was plump and giddy, trust and kindness permanently carved into every dip and rise. Her lips soft, eyes already bright in nature shining more vividly with the aid of the untouched sky above them, no moon nor city lights to obstruct the view. He gently brushed the stray, flowing raven hairs behind her ear and withdrew, not wanting her to lose faith in him. Not wanting her to sand down the rest of her face so that the trust that was carved into it no was no longer visible. She was in love with another, and he would not be the one to destroy that love. “In another life.”_

 

_But he wanted it to be this one._

 

Alexander woke, eyes damp as he longed for the touch of a lover. He turned his head to the boy beside him. The sun hadn’t even risen yet, and he had glanced to the clock across the room, squinting until the numbers were clear enough to read. _Three twenty-two._ He let out a quiet groan. He had just gotten to sleep half an hour before, and he had been hoping to get a proper nights sleep without waking up in the middle of it. As per usual, his wish wasn’t granted. He didn’t want to wake up the other boy because Alexander was the one who wanted to stop cuddling before, skin sensitive to the touch, but now the gaping hole in Alexander’s chest craved some kind, _any kind_ of contact. _Just to remind him that he’s alive. He’s real, and he’s there._ Slowly, he reached out, gently clasping his fingers around the one's resting on the older man’s chest. He held his breath as the boy shifted slightly, but smiled giddily to himself when even in his unconscious state, Thomas returned the hold.

Over the course of fifteen minutes, Alexander dragged himself to the other boy, latching tight onto his upper arm, fingers still wrapped around larger ones. Suddenly, Thomas shifted, turning to face Alexander before his eyes opened groggily. “Oh shit, did I wake you up?” Alex whispered as softly as he could, and even in the incredibly dim light, Thomas was able to flash a dazzling smile that Alexander could see.

“It’s fine, Angel. What’s eatin’ at ya?” Alexander hummed softly, enjoying how the man’s husky voice brought out his southern drawl in an incredibly alluring wa- _had he forgotten about John? The boyfriend he killed?_ Alexander shuddered, arms latching around the larger boy’s neck and holding on tight, chest pressed tightly against the other’s.

“I just...” Alexander whispered into Thomas’ neck, snuggling closer when the man’s arms wrapped securely around his mid-section. “I need to be, oh God, this is going to sound weird…” all Thomas did was wait patiently for the boy to talk. Alex let out a shaky breath before continuing. “I need to be, I need to be _touched._ Like, I don’t know or really care how, but… It’s just… I need to _feel_ something, you know?” Alexander was hoping the man would understand, but he felt judgemental eyes on him through the darkness.

“I don’t really understand… But, uh, what should I do?” Alexander hated that. He didn’t want to decide. He wanted someone to decide for him. He was lost, sinking in his feelings. So he shrugged. “Well… how ‘bout I try, and you tell me if you don’t like something.” Alexander blinked before his lips curled up into a tiny grin, happy that Thomas knew exactly what to say.

“I, yeah. Okay, that’s good.” Alexander felt a hand hesitantly run up and down his waist and he felt his skin began to prickle and burn without warrant. “U-Um, maybe something, uh, firmer? More.. stagnant?” Alexander could feel Thomas nod against the pillow, shifting closer. The large hand settled on Alexander’s hip and held strongly but not bruisingly. Another hand slid under his resting cheek, gripping the base of the boy’s head, and Alexander felt more at ease. He ignored the nagging in the back of his mind, shouting about his disloyalty to John, instead opting to melt into the firm grip.

Suddenly, without warning, lips were on his. Alexander wanted to be startled. Wanted to be appalled and pull away, but the kiss was so firm, so expected, so commanding and _exactly what he wanted,_ so he gave in without complaint. His mind continued to supply the name ‘John’, but this was very much _not_ how the boy had felt. Had smelt. Had sounded like, or kissed or _loved._ Alexander’s mind raced, comparing pros and cons to each experience as he let Thomas’ lips press harder against his, but found they came at a stalemate. Thomas pulled away very slightly. “I can hear you thinking. Stop and let me kiss you,” and with a simple command, Alexander’s mind had shut down, and he happily accepted as Thomas changed their positions so that his broad chest was weighing down on Alexander's, tongue slipping past the smaller boy’s parted lips, warm and slick. The muscle filled his mouth, and his chest ached pleasantly from the weight on it. Alexander enjoyed how the pressure made him feel, a force stopping the body above him from touching the mattress beneath because _he’s there. He’s real, and he can feel it._

Thomas pulls away slightly, licking his lips, some sort of possessiveness filling him after finally being able to kiss the boy he had been chasing after. His silent claim on the boy now finalized, now _his._ “Thank you,” Alexander breathed out, but silently craved more, and by some miracle, Thomas can sense it. So he swoops back in, moving roughly against the smaller pair of lips instead of firm pressing. He moves his hips between the boy’s legs and slides his arms beneath his back and holds on tight. He basks in the closeness and intimacy as Alexander wraps his arms around his broad shoulders and legs around his narrow hips, pressing him impossibly closer.

They only pulled away to catch their breath, quick to go back to the bruising kiss. They nipped at each other's tongues and lips, teeth hitting against each other. Thomas changed the position so his back’s against the headboard and the small boy was on his lap, forced to tilt his head back, hair brushing against his bare shoulders, nose pointed skywards bound. _The boy was suddenly thrown back into the forest, water rushing and stars glowing overhead. He felt a cool breeze brush over his bare skin, but Eliza wasn’t the one with him. It was Thomas, fingertips digging into his hips, lips feverish against his own. He could feel dew on his knees, grass printing a design on his legs._

The experience was so vivid, so _real,_ that he pulled away with a sharp gasp. The world around him returned back to normal, the darkness of Thomas’ room surrounding them. Thomas gave him a second before leaning back in, but Alexander pushed him back gently. “I, I think we should stop now,” He whispered, but Thomas wasn’t having it.

“You woke me up for this, and just as we’re getting into it you want to stop?” Alexander felt guilt grip at his heart. _Why was he so selfish?_ “What the fuck Alexander, make up your mind.” Alexander hesitated and Thomas groaned, pushing the boy off of him. Alexander’s eyes went wide. As Jefferson moved to sit up, Alexander had quickly grown desperate. He had felt guilty, both for leading Thomas on as well as continuing to not remain faithful to John. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be anything more than friends with the boy beside him, but in the moment he was convinced he had lost the opportunity for soly friendship. So without thinking it through, he scurried over to where Thomas sat, about to leave, and wrapped his arms around his chest. Thomas was about to shrug him off, but Alexander was quick to kiss his neck and nibble gently on the boy’s earlobe.

“I’m sorry, Tommy. I just,” Alexander gave his neck a few more kisses. “I panicked, I don’t really want to stop,” He felt Thomas relax against him and gave a gentle bite and lick to his jaw for good measure. “I was being stupid, I’m sorry.” He nuzzles behind his ear. “Please don’t leave me here,” He murmured before adding more gently, “I’m helpless…”

For a second Alexander’s heart raced in panic, Thomas had leaned away and Alexander feared he wasn’t able to convince the other boy, but all he did was flick on his lamp, keeping it dim. Thomas turned back to the boy and caressed his cheek. Alexander stared at the man, perfectly sculpted face looking down at his pathetically thin and hollow one. But the way the man stared made him feel like the most beautiful and loved creature, so he couldn’t help but blush. He shivered as the boy leaned close to him, lips against his ear.

“I want to see your face for every second of this. I’ve been waiting too long not to.”

And Alexander enjoyed every second, ignoring his heavy guilt until morning.

 

 

***

 

 

Thomas slowly woke, turning to see the time. _Eleven forty-seven._ He hummed, realizing they were late for school, but when he glanced back to the heavily sleeping boy, _his boy,_ he couldn’t bear to wake him up. He didn’t really mind anyways, already excelling at school. The problem was his parents were coming home that day, and though they were accepting of polyamorous relationships, they weren’t as accepting of homosexual ones. The boy sighed, glad he had a good seven hours before they were home. He detached himself from the boy, making sure not to wake him before standing to dress. He shivered when his bare skin hit the cool air of his room and stretched, yawning silently. He padded out of his old room and into his current one, opening his wardrobe. He glanced at his bed and chuckles to himself, remembering Alexander’s conflicted emotions the night before.

 

_“Hey, wow, this room is way big- wait does your bed- is that-” Alexander stared in disbelief, chuckling uncomfortably. “Is, is the only way into your office… over your bed?” Thomas glanced down at the shorter boy, shrugging as if it was the most normal thing in the world._

_“Yeah.” Alexander blinked before laughing, pausing and staring in confusion at the bed for a moment, laughing again and repeating. Thomas shoved him lightly, thinking the tiny, gentle snorts coming from the smaller were tooth-rottingly adorable._

_“Shut up,” He muttered, nudging the Caribbean boy playfully_

_“Hey, it’s convenient. Humans are supposed to work, fuck and eat, and you have the possibility for two in one room. Impressive.” Thomas turned to the boy, wiggling his eyebrows._

_“I could impress you with my love-making, then impress you with my lawmaking,” Thomas winked, his heart swelling in victory as Alexander became flustered. Alexander opened his mouth before closing it, turning his head away as he blushed harder. Thomas grinned._

_It’s not every day one could make Alexander Hamilton speechless._

 

Thomas smiled. _He did, in fact, impress his boy with his love-making._ He pulled on sweatpants and an undershirt. “Thomas? Where are you?” He grabbed a sweater when he heard the timid call and hurried back to his Alexander.

“I’m sorry, beautiful. I was just getting dressed.” Thomas sat on the bed beside the sleepy boy, catching a small kiss. He caressed the boy’s cheek, chuckling as Alexander blushed and stuttered. “No need to be flustered, baby angel. You weren’t earlier this morni-”

“Shut up!” Alexander’s blush grew to his ears, remembering his embarrassingly loud moans. Thomas smirked, kissing his cheek before handing his a sweater. “Oh, uh, thank you.”

“Not an issue, beautiful.” Thomas watched as Alexander shrugged on the large sweater, lifting himself slightly so that he could pull it to his mid thighs. “So,” Thomas began, brushing some hairs from Alexander’s face. “Are those glasses you always wear just decoration?” Alexander laughed lightly.

“No, everything's been super blurry these past couple days. I just forgot to grab my glasses on the way out…” Alexander went silent, not wanting to remember the emotional wreck he was that night. Thomas looked at the boy sympathetically. “But speaking of not having glasses, can you tell me what time it is? I can’t see.” Thomas turned to face the clock.

“It’s noon now.” Alexander choked on his spit, stumbling to stand. He pulled the sweater down farther after nearly tripping on the discarded boxer shorts and briefs at the side of the bed. “Hey, hey, what’s the rush?”

“We have school!” Thomas shrugged.

“By the time we get there it’ll be well into third period, so what’s the point?” Alexander shook his head.

“I’m not like you, Thomas, I need to be there! I’m barely getting and A in math and-”

“Woah, woah, what do you mean ‘barely’?” Alexander huffed, looking for his jeans.

“I’m only getting a ninety and- where are they?- I need to make sure- oh, there they are- I maintain my GPA so I can apply for a scholarship.” Thomas blinked.

“Aren’t you fifteen?”

“ _Sixteen”_ Alexander corrected. Thomas looked him over.

“But you’re in grade ten, aren’t you?”

“First semester I was. I started grade eleven this semester, I want to graduate early.” Thomas moved to sit on the bed and Alexander followed.

“What’s the rush?” Alexander smiled softly.

“I can’t wait to live alone. Be just, completely independent, you know?” Thomas leaned back, and Alexander moved to cuddle up to his side.”

“Yeah, but why?” Thomas prompted, interested in what his Alexander thought and why he thought it. Alexander smiled, happy that Thomas was so relaxed, approachable. Easy to talk to.

‘Well, you know I’m in the foster system,” Thomas nodded. “I just feel like I’ve relied on strangers and friends for too long. I want to make something of myself. Be a new man.” Thomas hummed.

“Are you gonna stay in Virginia?”

“No, I want to go back to New York. Get into Columbia on grades alone if I can. I got an eight point ninety-five GPA, and if I can make that A in English an A plus, I’ll have a nine point zero, increasing my chances of getting in without paying tuition. Plus, I’m getting a ninety-nine percent in law, and that’s what I want to go into, so… Maybe I could get some kind of scholarship.” Thomas whistled.

“I don’t doubt you can get in, but just know that I’ll pay for you if you can’t.”  Alexander laughed, but Thomas looked at him with no amusement apparent on his face.“I’m not joking.” Alexander stopped laughing.

“Oh.” Alexander looked at his hands shyly. “You won't have to, I’d kill myself before I’d make you pay for my tuition.” Thomas frowned at the offhanded mention of suicide but didn’t say anything. “Where are you gonna go?” Thomas hummed.

“I’m not sure. If I’m not going back into private schooling I’ll be going to Harvard or Virginia University. But I have connections in Columbia, so I could go there…” Thomas trailed off. He didn’t really have connections in Columbia, but rise Hell and high water if he would let Alexander go there alone. “So basically I’m completely undecided.” Alexander giggled.

“Well, I can help you look through universities sometime. See what’s best for you. Though it would be good to have a familiar face if I end up going to Columbia…” Thomas smiled, nodding in agreement. “Wait- Thomas!” Thomas flinched at the cry, and Alexander shot out of the comfortable position he was in. “You distracted me! We have _school!”_ Thomas glanced at the clock, the time near one o’clock.

“Forget it, school’s gonna be done in less than an hour when we get there anyways” Alexander huffed, looked at the clock and then back to Thomas.

“Fine,” he grumbled, curling back up to the lounging boy. “But I need to go home tonight.” Thomas deflated slightly, and even though Alexander tried not to show it, he was scared.

“I’ll give you the money when you go… Text me to let me know you’re okay.” Alexander hummed, nodding against the boy’s chest.

“I will… Anyways, I want to see your crazy office.” Thomas chuckled.

“It’s not crazy. It’s a normal office, angel.”

“Nonsense! You have to slide over a bed to get to it, there’s gotta be weird stuff in there. I bet you have a pickled brain in a jar or some crazy shit like that.”

“Well, kinda…” Alexander laughed in disbelief.

“No way! You gotta show me!” Thomas smiled at the boy’s excitement. He stood and lead Alexander to his old room, smiling at how his boy had a spring to his step that usually wasn't there.

 

 

***

 

 

Lafayette sighed, biting his thumbnail nervously as he walked with Hercules. Hercules tapped his fingers against his thigh anxiously, the silence only growing tenser between the two. “Park?” Hercules asked. They both needed to talk, and the park at the elementary school just a few blocks away from their own school was always a place they had gone to in order to do just that. Lafayette nodded, and the two continued to walk in anxious silence until they arrived. With a sigh they slumped onto the bench, hands intertwining.

“I am scared, Hercules…” Lafayette looked at the ground, picking nervously at his nails. Hercules hummed quietly.

“I haven’t seen him since he ran off on Monday… Has he responded to your texts? He hasn’t even read mine…” Hercules gripped the taller boy’s hand tightly, observing silently as the school’s bell rung and kids began to flood out. A few of the younger ones quickly ran to the set, dropping their bags to clamber on.

“Non,” Lafayette admitted. “He did not respond to my calls either. Do you think he is ignoring us because of the lunch period? Or maybe he is ill?” Hercules shook his head.

“When he was mad at us before… everything, he never ignored us. And he always responds when he’s sick. Do you think that the person he was with when he was with John,” Hercules winced saying his deceased friend's name. “Do you think that they’re keeping him away- holy shit do you think he’s being abused?” Hercules’ eyes widened at the potential of his friend being hurt repeatedly as such. He ha witnessed it happen with his father and he didn’t want Alexander to be a shell of a boy he was like his father was when his mother was still in the picture. The more Hercules thought about it though, the more it became clear that something was truly wrong with whatever situation Alexander was in.

“No!” Lafayette stared at Hercules in shock. “He would tell us, we are his friends!” Hercules hushed him, the children around starting to stare.

“When has he ever told us when something was wrong?” Hercules whispered. “Remember when he sprained his ankle but continued to walk on it until he couldn’t hide he was limping anymore? We had to drag him home because he refused to go to the hospital.” Lafayette frowned.

“Yeah, but…. No, Mr. Reynolds would protect him from that.” Hercules settled against the back of the bench.

“But what if he doesn’t know?”

“Please, James is very involved in Alexander’s life. Maman would not have allowed him to be a foster parent if he wouldn’t be. Besides, every, um, how you say…” Lafayette paused, trying to find the right words. “Ah, every check in with Alexander and James has been positive. Maman said that they have both been consistently happy with the arrangement.”

“Yeah, but when was the last check in? February?” Hercules frowned, not liking where his train of thought was going. “Do you think-”

“Do not imply what I think you are about to imply,” But Hercules couldn’t stop now.

“What if Reynolds is the one hurting him?” Lafayette ripped his hand away, turning violently to fully face the other boy.

“Maman said that _both_ of them were-”

“But that was _months_ ago!” The children were openly staring now, confused and concerned.

“He would tell us, quit acting like you know Reynolds!”

“I do know him!”

“Not like I do!”

“Well, at least my conclusions are unbiased!” They were getting dirty looks from the parents now.

“At least my conclusions are educated!” Lafayette startled when a small hand tugged on his pant leg.

“Why are you two shouting?” A little girl, no older than the age of eight stared up at them, eyes wide. The two boys softened.

“We…” Lafayette started.

“We’re just worried about our friend,” Hercules confessed. He laughed at himself internally. _It’s funny how such simple discussions can escalate._ The girl's mouth made a small ‘o’, and she clambered onto the bench, sitting between the two boys. All of the children and adults went back to their own conversations, ignoring the trio on the bench.

“Is he being hurt?” The two boys glanced at each other.

“We are not sure,” Hercules nodded in agreement with the Frenchman's statement.

“Why don’t you talk to him?” Hercules sighed.

“He won’t answer us…” The girl nodded and Lafayette had to suppress a chuckle, the intense contemplation not suiting the young face it was set upon.

“That _is_ tricky…” Hercules and Lafayette shared a look of similar amusement, but their worry still lingered. “Maybe he’s embarrassed about it?” The two boys felt their hearts drop slightly. _Alexander never did like it when his pride took a hit._ “I don’t know him, but I think you should get him out of the situation he’s in, even if you think he’ll hate you for it.” Hercules chuckled heartily.

“That’s some solid advice. Thank you, kiddo.”

“My name’s Harriet. Not kiddo.” Lafayette grinned as the girl hopped off the bench. “You don’t need to tell me your names though. That’s private information.” The two strained to not giggle, finding the child adorable. “Nice to meet you guys, though!”

“Nice to meet you too, Harriet,” the two boys echoed. With a big grin she waved and ran off, going over to a young woman and grasping her hand tightly. Hercules and Lafayette sat in a light silence.

“She was cute,” Lafayette hummed in agreement.

“Good advice too. Let us give Alexandre one more day. Then we will talk to James, oui?” Hercules looked down.

“Yeah… I just want him to be okay…” Lafayette wrapped his arm around the shorter boy’s shoulders.

“Moi aussi,” He whispered. “Moi aussi…”

 

 

***

 

 

Alexander stood nervously on his front porch, a wad of cash in his hands. Jefferson had dropped him off, making sure the boy would text him before driving off. Alexander wore the dress beneath one of the older boy’s sweaters. He swallowed nervously before raising his hand to knock. His hand shook. He was only inches away from hitting the wooden frame, _why couldn’t he_ \- He landed three knocks in rapid succession before taking a quick step back. He heard light steps coming from the other side and the door swung open. Maria stood fearfully, hair hanging in front of her face. “Oh,” She looked relieved. “Alexander, honey, come in, come in.” The woman ushered him inside, closing the door behind him.

“Is… Is everything alright?” Alexander asked, shoving the money into his pocket. Maria nodded quickly. Too quickly.

“Yes, of course. James has just been a little anxious. You forgot your phone!” Maria let out a nervous laugh. “We couldn’t reach you, and,” She ran a hand through her messy hair, exposing a black eye. “And-” The woman had begun to hyperventilate. Alexander was quick to get her to the livingroom and sit her on the couch. He wrapped a throw blanket as tightly as he could around her frame and knelt on the ground in front of her.

“Hey, it’s okay ‘Ria. I’m here now. There’s nothing to be afraid of, we’re safe here, alright?”

“N-No, he’s going to come _back,_ ” Maria’s makeup had begun to run, her tears turning black.

“Who?”

“J-James, he’s coming back soon and, and-” She let out a sob, her hands and knees shaking uncontrollably. Alexander swallowed nervously, but tried to keep himself calm. _Maria needed him right now._ It was a truly disgusting thought that crossed Alexander's mind, but his own ego inflated when he realized that in her panic _Maria needed him._ He felt sick, self-worth boosted for helping someone through something as awful as a panic attack, but he couldn’t help himself.

“Hey, hey. I’ll protect you, remember?” Maria let out a sob.

“I don’t want you hurt because of me!” She wailed, the tremors wracking through her body becoming more violent. _She was right. Why should he be hurt because of what_ she _did?_

“It’s not because of yo-”

“It is, though! I’m the one who wanted a child, I _knew_ this would happen, I knew it!” Her sobs had seeped into her speech, muddling her words together. Alexander had to fight off the urge to blame her for everything. _It isn’t her fault, but it would be so easy just to blame her instead of yourse-_

“Stop that…” Alexander whispered to himself, trying to keep his unjust anger at bay. Every thought, feeling, and emotion screamed at him to hit her, _give the bitch what she deserves,_ but his logic still reigned supreme, keeping him in line, rationalizing his feelings as products of high stress and unresolved tensions.

“Wh-What?” Maria stuttered out.

“Don’t-” Alexander sighed. Telling her that blaming herself was stupid wasn’t going to get them anywhere. “I know it feels like your fault, but it isn’t… You aren’t responsible for you husbands actions.” Maria calmed down slightly, just enough so her sobs weren't painful. “And anything I do, or have done to me if your fault.” Maria looked uncertain, but slightly reassured none the less, sobs calming down into tiny hiccups. “Can I hug you?” Maria nodded quickly, scooching over, an indication for Alex to sit beside her. He quickly clambered up and she threw herself into his arms, still trembling. He rubbed soothing circles into her back and exaggerated his breaths, letting Maria fall in time with them. The two sat on the couch holding each other in silence. All of Alexander’s rage had died down, no longer blaming Maria.

The woman had begun to snore lightly, and Alexander shook her slightly, keeping her awake just long enough to get her to bed. When she was finally tucked in Alexander slipped out of the room, closing the door silently behind him. Alexander padded to the living room, taking the money from the sweater pocket and placing it on the coffee table before plopping onto the couch. He let out a long sigh, shutting his eyes as he tilted his head back. The boy drifted between dream and sleep, catching glimpses of something that wasn’t really there as he drifted.

He was startled to full awareness when someone stumbled in through the front door. Alexander sprung to his feet, quick to check. Upon seeing the man he was certain it was going to be, he felt anxiousness build up in his gut. “J-James,” He breathed. The man looked slightly startled, letting the door swing shut behind him.

“So you’re back?” The man kicked off his shoes before closing in on the boy, tugging on the sweater that hung loosely on his shoulders. “With a new article of clothing. _From another man.”_ Alexander flinched. “Lovely.”

Alexander scrunched his nose slightly, the man smelling of hard liquor. “The money’s on the table,” He whispered timidly.

“Good slut,” James growled in the boy’s ear before peeling off the sweater, tossing it to the floor.

The man herded Alexander against the wall, a hand pinning his slim wrists above his head. With his free hand, James brushed his fingers over the boy’s chin and jaw. “Your stubble coming back,” the man observed. Alex let out a nervous chuckle. James smiled slightly. “I missed you so much, sweetheart.” Alexander shuddered as the man spoke huskily into his ears, trailing kisses down to his neck.

_This was going to be a long night._

 

 

***

 

 

It was slightly past midnight when James was finished with him, passing out on the couch. Alexander limped to the bathroom and cleaned himself with a damp rag as quickly as possible. As soon as he made it into his room he stripped himself of his dress. He was lucky enough to have grabbed Thomas’s sweater on the way back, so he shrugged it on, inhaling its scent of light cologne and cedar wood. He briefly pondered whether or not it was odd before tugging on some boxers, flicking off his light and curling up in bed. He stared at his ceiling, exhaustion hitting him but not pulling him into slumber. He felt lonely, lying in a bed alone. He had quickly gotten used to sharing a bed with Thomas, and now he felt… incomplete. He rearranged his pillows so that they resembled a stretched out torso and curled up beside it, head resting on the uppermost area. He sighed, eyes fluttering closed.

He pondered as to what kind of relationship he had with the other man as he laid in the suffocating loneliness and darkness of his room. Thomas was obviously interested in a romantic relationship, he had never tried to hide the fact, but Alexander was just getting over John and didn’t want his friend to just be a rebound. But the comfort he felt around the boy, and how he was kissed with such intensity was intoxicating. He allowed himself to ignore the weight of the question for at least a night in favor of trying to convince himself to sleep and forget.

He groaned as his phone began to ring and was quick to snatch it from its charging port near his bed and dismiss the call, putting it on silent. His tired eyes were too bleary to read the caller ID, nevermind all of the notifications, so he ignored them for the time being, curling back up and relaxing until his body decided it would allow him to sleep. Allowed him to slip into his dreams.

_He dreamed of white that night. Cold, frigid and biting white._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What The Fuck I Was Doing When I Wasn't Writing This:  
> -Summatives!  
> -Exam practice and review  
> -Completing my collaborative artwork for city hall and meeting the Mayor (still have no idea who he is though, whoops I'm not involved in politics of any kind)  
> -Figurin' out summer school (please, I just wanna graduate early)  
> -Dealing with fuckin' family issues for no reason other than people reFUSE TO COMMUNICATE, DAMMIT  
> -Procrastinating, mostly
> 
> What The Hell Is An Update Schedule:  
> So, I know an update schedule for this may be preferred, but I'm pretty bad with committing to things, and I don't feel like I'm disappointing anyone as much if I don't commit to a certain time. I also feel like a schedule interrupts my creative flow for things such as this. I'm pretty busy with school until August (I'm also going to my first Pride, whoop!), so please forgive me if I just drop off the map for a while... again. OhmyGodI'msosorryfornotupdating
> 
> Stuff About The Actual Thing I'm Using This Website For:  
> -Sorry if the beginning was shitty, it's just me tryna be poetic  
> -Projecting onto Alexander a bit because a) My skin gets super sensitive for no reason at all sometimes and I hate it??? Like, even super light touches sort of burn and ache? Does anyone else get that and know why? b) Sometimes I wake up and get really upset cause no one's there to hug me. I also forget I'm real sometimes c) It's really hard for me to communicate what I want as well as decide what I want, but I'm sure many people experience the same kind of thing, and d) Being crushed by someone is comforting for some reason. I heard it's because it mimics being in a womb, but if anyone knows more about it, please tell me! I'm super curious  
> -No idea how American GPAs work, all I know is they're out of ten and mine's out of four, so tell me if what I said for Alexander doesn't make sense  
> -Thomas didn't have a pickled brain, but he had a pickled pig fetus. Alexander thought it was incredibly cool.  
> -This isn't really relevant to the plot, but the young woman who picked up Harriet was Sally Hemmings, and historically, Harriet was Sally's (only, I think?) daughter
> 
> Translations:  
> Moi aussi - Me too
> 
>  
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading, and I hoped you all enjoyed!


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